My Mind is Time, My Mind is Space

Hey guys!

2010-09-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

I am movin on up, and not posting on here anymore. I've always had a tumblr, just haven't used it a whole lot, and now I think I'm going to start. I will eventually post it on facebook, but just ask if you want the link if you want to keep updated on my crazy busy life. :)

I will miss you blogger! We have been friends for quite some time :(

Peeeeeace!

Are you going to get a release form before or after he cheats on you?

2010-09-22T06:50:00.000-07:00

I've recently discovered I have some fans who like to creep up on me. I realize that I am literally all over the internet, who isn't? But for someone to take time out of their day, to google me, find my blog, my website, or anything else...there must be a reason.

9/10 times people have seen my blog, and my website on facebook. I have posted links to it, and mostly share it with my Omaha friends, to keep them updated on my life and my work here in this crazy city. When I'm not friends with you on facebook, I begin to wonder. Sure you could've gotten it from someone else, but I just don't know that many people in chicago for all of them to be connected.

So here rises the question....WHY?

When you tell someone you don't want anything to do with them, that usually means you are scum of the earth, and not worth even talking to, or knowing. Why they would take the time to google my blog to find out how I am, or what I'm all about it, is ridiculous.

Why do you care? Sure as hell didn't before.

I've had a lot of things stolen from me, but my pictures....this is the first time. You don't really think to get release forms from your boyfriend or girlfriend the time you are with them, because you think "oh hey...they won't give a shit" right? You don't ever think about the after effects, or think they have a crazy girlfriend who wants to check up on your pictures also. But when they deliberately go out of there way to find it, and then put it on their facebook, like "oh i just think its a cool picture" and then get all these comments on it about how people like it, and not tell them who took it....could that be considered stealing?

There is a reason (believe it or not) why I don't have any of my photo's on facebook.

1. I don't have a watermark, or know how to put one on there.

2. Once it's on facebook, facebook owns it.

So to my very special fans reading this, or creeping on my pictures....grow up. I know...it is hard for you, you don't know how, and I'm flattered you're jealous of me, but really...leave me alone.

Looking up

2010-08-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd give everyone a lil update on my happenings here in the windy city, (seeing as its been awhile since I've really blogged).

There's been a lot of bad things that have kept happening to me here, and after this last one I decided it wasn't going to bring me down anymore.

My wallet was stolen from again, right out of my purse, without even knowing it until I tried to get on the bus after getting off the train. Within a half hour, they bought 2 $92 bus p

asses, and spent $130 in groceries at Dominicks. I STILL haven't gotten all this money back.

A couple days later, the guy I was seeing had his so called girlfriend break up with me in a text message. Of course this was followed by lots of harassment, threats, and telling me he fucked 4 other girls when he was with me. Good guy right?

I started to work at the Museum of Science and Industry a lot more.

It's on the south side, and it takes me awhile to get there, but I enjoy the ride. From the view on the train, it kind of reminds me of Omaha a lil bit.

I take touristy pictures of people in front of the U505 submarine, yelling at people all day. I literally just buried myself in work, and tried to work as much as possible and be as positive and happy around everyone as much as I could. To my surprise, this actually worked out tremendously well. The people there are really great. Not just the people I work with at photogenic, but the people that work at the museum are truly awesome.

Since I've been working my ass off there, my supervisors put in a good word for me and one of the managers called me asking if I wanted to get some more training in to become a trainer/lead. What did I say?

Hell yes!

I've never been a lead or a supervisor/manager anywhere I've worked. I had the opportunity lots of times, but never wanted to take on all the responsibility, or didn't think I could do it. This time, I really want to. It's easy to be good at this job, and there's no reason why I shouldn't try to move up and do it to the best of my ability.

I'm being trained tomorrow, and I'm nervous as hell. BUT I'm also excited. :) I've met a lot of really cool people through this job, and I'm finally feeling ok with everything and where my life is going. Because of this training, I will receive my own id badge which allows me to get into every museum in Chicago FOR FREE! And I can also bring up to 3 people with me. How amazing is that? I had no idea.

I am also moving to the west side of Chicago in 3-4wks. I'm talkin like waaaay the fuck west. I will be sad to leave the north side though. It's very quiet and I will definitely miss the lake.

A girl that I work with, her family rents out their basement to people, and she showed me it one day. It was amazing. I'll have a kitchen, a living room and my own separate bedroom, a giant window letting in lots of light, all utilities included and pay cheaper than what I'm paying now. Not only that but her mom is super nice. Her family is Guatemalan, and they make delicious food, and said I could come hang out upstairs sometimes, or when they have family reunions, or whatever. I think this will be a really really good experience for me and to be with a family. I am so stoked. AND now there really is no reason why I shouldn't speak spanish fluently.

I start school the week of Sept 7th, and I am totally not ready. It's going to be so much more work this semester, and I haven't really given it as much thought as I should be. I'm really anxious about it.

I've also FINALLY put all of my work on ONE website. Check it out here. For those of you photographers, illustrators, graphic designers, photoshop gurus and all you other arsty fartsy, if you haven't heard of deviant art, definitely check it out. It's an awesome website.

Alright guys, I'm all typed out.

UNTIL NEXT TIME!

Much love

Thoughts

2010-07-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore..

I wish everyone had blogs, it'd make things a lot easier.

I'm going through some things I'm not sure I'm ready to handle. I feel like I'm trapped in a 3oyr olds body, thinking "this is it." I hate it. I want so much more, yet lack any motivation, or any confidence. I don't understand it. I've never felt like this to this extreme ever before in my life.

I have to get out of this, and I have to push myself more now than I ever have.

I have too much alone time, and too many thoughts racing.

My mind is always in the past, and the future. It needs to be in the present.

"Step right this way, alright. Smile big for me now!"

2010-04-08T22:17:00.001-07:00

I have finally found a new job!! Well, another job. Unfortunately it doesn't pay as well, but I am there for the experience, and from what I've seen so far, it seems like it will be a really fun job for the summer.

I found this company called Photogenic on craigslist, thought it sounded cool, so I sent an email with my resume attached. I didn't hear anything back for like a week, but was invited to a group interview. At the interview I met some really cool people and ended up getting hired! :)

Basically, the job in a nutshell is taking tourist pictures of people. The cool thing about this is they're stationed on 3 different boats at Navy Pier (one of which you actually get to ride on the cruise FO FREE!) and also at the Ferris Wheel. The other locations include The Hancock Building, The Sears (Willis) Tower, and The Museum of Science. EVEN COOLER THING ABOUT THIS IS.....I've never been to any of these places except the pier, and the first time I do I can get in free? Helllll yeaaah! Sometimes I can also get free cruises for my friends and family too. Sweeet!

I will officially start next week! I am currently still looking for a job at a club or some high end restraunt downtown as well so I can finally leave Office Max. It is doing nothing for me except giving me a headache and making me angry.

I had applied to the Cubby Bear in Wriggleyville a couple weeks ago and was rudely told to "get some more experience," so that didn't work out. I was so bummed. I really wanted to work there. I was talking to a girl who used to work there and she said she'd pull in $500 in an 8hr shift sometimes on game days or weekend in the summer. Isn't that insane??!!

For now I'm just going to keep my head up and try to stay positive. I've been feeling real shitty lately, and I hope this new job is just the boost I need.

On a different note.......

I love this picture.

The past 3 months..

2010-03-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

MAN OH MAN DOES TIME FLY!

This semester has been totally insane. I've had soooo much work to do, and have even gotten behind on a lot of things. My darkroom teacher is absolutely crazy. I'm convinced. She gives us assignments on top of the assignments we already get in my lecture class, which means twice as much shooting, and twice as much

printing. OY! She keeps wanting us to join all these weird blogs and made a twitter just for our class, and no one has done any of them, but she keeps trying. She also contradicts a lot of things she says, and forgets half of it and just says "Oh I didn't say that, that's not right." OOOOOKKKAAAYYY....

Other than that class, I've really come to enjoy my painting class a lot. My teacher is in love with color. It's so great. She can sit there and talk to you about paint and colors all day if you asked her to. She's so laid back too, its a huge relief. All we do is come to class and paint and talk and listen to 50's music. I'm in the process of p

osting pictures of some of the stuff we've done so far.

On another note, I've been seeing someone for the past couples months as well. :)

His name is Pedro and he's an exceptionally good looking puerto rican man, (not that that really has anything to do with it, but he speaks spanish and lets face it, thats pretty damn hot.) He is so great, and so supportive. Things have been really good with us. (minus you know half my job thinking I'm a shady bitch....buuuut thats a different story). Ha.

We've been having so many good times together, and finding lots of new things. We randomly came across this cute little diner not far from my apartment and I absolutely fell in love with it. It's quiet and has red vinal seats and mirrors surrounding the place. Surprisingly, I haven't taken any digital photographs of it yet. I'm currently documenting it and taking a series of photographs for my documentary assignment, but it might just turn into my final. (Again...haven't had the time to scan in any of my color stuff yet, and probably won't till after finals.)

We have also been starting to go on bike rides together, (considering how the weather is of course). Pedro rides his bike everywhere to get around and he had an extra one he gave me.

Pretty bad ass eh? Eventually I want to ride on the streets by the time summer comes, but I am terrified! I don't want to get hit by a car and die! But it's been a lot of fun riding on the lake so far. We came across this bad ass skate park the other day, and I didn't have my camera and I was so upset. I will definitely be going back there soon. I've never seen so many fine dudes on skateboards and bikes on such a huge skate park!

We also found this really dinky little movie theater that only had 4 theaters in it. It was so cute though. It was by the Loyola campus so I assume a lot of college kids go there.

AND

On Thursday, we went to see P.O.S, Dessa, Astranautalis, and F. Stokes.

Man was that a great fuckin show. Pedro had never heard of them, but he was down to check them out, so that was fun. Astranautalis is crazy mother fucker, and I love him. His voice is so low and raspy and he just kept talkin to us about how if we hated our jobs, that we should just quit and become a rapper and drink a lot of whiskey. He even put on an epic freestyle for us. Dessa was amazing too. She got on the stage and said, "We're gunna sing some sad sad love songs, fuck yeah." P.O.S just blew my mind. I can't get over his lyrics man, it's insane.

On a good note, I am allllmost finished with my black and white portfolio. I'm hoping I can have it done by the end of the week to show you guys!

Until next time....PAAAYYCE!

Keith Carter

2010-03-11T20:34:00.000-08:00

What a freakin cool ass dude. I never thought I would see him right in front of me.

For those of you who don't know anything about him, he's a self taught photographer from a small town in Texas. His mom was a photographer in the 50's, and he said he never paid attention as a kid, but that his mom would always turn their kitchen into a darkroom at night and print photographs to sell to the neighbors and locals around the area.

You can check out some of his work......here.

And thats not even the half of it! In a lot of his work he likes to create fantasy throughout his photographs, but also like nature and animals a lot too. I didn't know this but he did a lot of commercial work also and some bands have his photographs as their cd labels, and authors have them on their books, and that the Gap called him up once and asked him to make a photograph for their shoes. He showed us that photograph and he placed their shoes in the mouth of an alligator and sent it to them and got a call back saying, "this isn't what we're looking for." I just thought was hilarious. He also told us a story about how he got a call from the band The Hives one day wanting one of his photographs for their cd label. The photograph was of a man carrying his girlfriend on his back in a lake. (I've looked for this photograph online and can't seem to find it anywhere) They asked him if he had a release for the people in the photograph and he told them, "Well, no. I was walking around and saw this couple and just thought they were beautiful and just said... 'Stop' and made this photograph." He said, "Now this is the first thing they teach you at Columbia....never forget a release! But....I'm a dumbass," and he laughed.

Throughout his lecture he gave a lot of great advice. He told us The 5 things to keep creativity:

1. We all need to work of others.

2. Make friends with uncertainty.

3. It's all about making choices.

4. Belong to a place, belong to something.

5. The full weight and mystery of your art rests upon the relationship between you and your subject.

He spoke a lot about what each of these means, and he even added, "You don't always need weed to be creative."

He even showed us a sneak peak on what he was currently working on. He's doing a series of photographs of women with ridiculously long hair, (which let me tell you is incredible). Some of these women he found have hair as long as them!

He concluded with his lecture by saying,

"Don't ever think you can't make a difference. Don't ever be afraid someone is going to "copy" you or think you're crazy, just do it. Take a secound to look around you, look in your backyard, your block, your street, it all starts there."

Why...

2010-03-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling with a lot of things lately.

I haven't really come across the answer yet.

I saw photographs from Nan Goldin's book, The Ballad of Sexual Dependency last week in class.

It inspired me so much. This woman took a piece of her life, photographed it, and put it out there for the world to see, showing us the relationships between men and women. Even though these were shot in the 80's, the same things still happens today.....different styles, and different worlds. She uses such a harsh flash indoors making a lot of her photographs orange and yellow, but it just adds more to the scene. If you get a chance, check this book out.

Wish I wrote more....

2010-01-07T20:16:00.001-08:00

SO!

I didn't really take the time to think about my new years resolutions up until a few days ago, just been in this weird/nostalgic/comforting/reassuring kind of mood.

First, I guess I'd like to try my hardest to stop smoking cigarettes. It seems like everyone says that, (I know I have a lot as well), but I don't feel like its an addiction as more as it is an enjoyment of smoking. You know? So its HARD.

BUT, I'm all about being healthy this year.

Second, I'm taking out the trash. I'm letting go of all the excess people and things that just bring me down. Some people just change beyond my grasp, and I can't do anything to stop it or help them. I'm done dealing with other peoples childish drama.

Third, I'm tired of being alone. Not even in a relationship type way, but in general. When I first walked in my apartment again I was overwhelmed with this sense of solitude and loneliness. I'm determined to change it, no matter how hard it is to let people in.

Fourth, I'm done trying to chase after guys, and I'm done settling for the first guy thats there for me. It's dumb. Loneliness does not equal feelings for someone.

Fifth, I want to figure out why our generation has become so selfish. Why are we so obsessed with tv shows, facebook, and being tagged in the next picture from the night before? I mean, don't get me wrong I have been sucked in too.....but why? It sucks. It's like we can't even sit around in a room full of friends without being on our phones wondering what the rest of the world is doing.

Being home has opened my eyes again. It has made me appreciate it so much more, but also worried me. Everything about it is just beautiful. The people, the neighborhoods, the houses, the lights, the streets, and the trees. Man, I just can't get over the trees! You don't see trees like that in Chicago everyday. It's mind blowing. But at the same time, with this weather and this solitude its created, I'm not sure what's going to happen. There were times I wished I were back in Chicago, but when I actually get here....I'm alone all over again. It makes me more appreciative of those late nights in the attic, movie nights, sitting around with my family, and laying around on the floor bull shitting with the greatest people in my life. I'm worried about my family, and my friends. It was so good seeing everyone, and I wish I could've spent more time there. Everyone just kind of seems like they're in a funk. I'm blaming it on the weather, the bitching, and the negative vibes spreading. I just hope we can all pull through until spring.

I love you,

Christine

It's been awhile...

2009-12-02T09:38:00.000-08:00

So I figured I'd give everyone an update on whats goin on with me lately. I feel like I never blog anymore!

Basically I've just been really busy with school. Working on my photo project has been taking up most of my time. A lot of my negatives were underexposed so its been a lot of work trying to make them perfect. I'm really stoked about a lot of them though :) My 2D class has been horrible lately. Everyone in that class doesn't give a shit, and doesnt put any effort into anything they do, and I feel so bad for my teacher. Last class he nicely told us we suck and we need to do better. I just want that class to be over. Even though I try and put effort, he still thinks I don't give a shit. It's nerve racking.

Other than school, I've been sick with this horrible cough and runny nose. It's really draggin me down. Makes me reaallllly tired all the time, and just kind of puting me in this funk.

Visiting Omaha a couple weeks ago was crazy. I was so fuckin excited when I was at the airport and when we finally landed. I walked down to the baggage claim and saw my dad standing there, and I started to cry I was so happy to see him. I was so over-filled with joy just driving home and being home. It was an incredible feeling. But then I go and see literally everyone I wanted to see, (and some people I didn't really care to see), and it was mind-blowing. It felt like I never left. Everything was still the same. It's a very strange, and nostalgic feeling. I'm sure it will always feel like that from now on. Diana told me once, "You'll be so excited to come home, and then you'll just want to go back Chicago again." She was so right.

Being here has opened my eyes to so many things.

I truly feel like I belong here, like this is where I'm supposed to be, doing what I've always wanted to do.

Work.....has been kind of crazy drama filled place lately. I don't like it. I've made friends with some of them, but I don't really feel like I can trust any of them with anything, because the next day the whole store will know about it. Blaaahh

It's time for me to head to class....3wks left!

Something more

2009-11-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

I'm in search of an artist,

for someone who actually WANTS to learn and be in school,

for someone who is creative, and different, and amusing,

who can make me take a step back and think twice,

who can INSPIRE me.

I'm in search of a dreamer,

for someone who believes that NOTHING is out of reach,

that the world is ours for the taking,

and that only we decide how it ends.

I'm in search of a musician,

for someone that can reach in and touch my soul through the rhythm of the beat,

who can make me want to dance for hours upon hours.

I'm in search of something

someone

new.

HOOORAH!

2009-10-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

Alright kids, I know its what you've all been waiting for......

MY PRINTS!!

I realize I've been in school for almost 2 months now and haven't shown anyone back home my work. At first, I didn't want to and wanted to wait till the end, or try to find some website to put them on where people can't jack my shit, BUT I'm too excited about them I just wanna put them out there.

You can check them out on my

<------flickr over there on this page.

as well as other stuff I've shot (mostly from last year).

Note: They are very high in contrast (dark) because of the lighting in my apartment. They are better right in front of you of course, but once I get the time and start to develop a portfolio they will be 10x better.

Enjoy, and feel free to leave me feedback (even if you totally hate them).

TODAY:

We watched a video on Jenny Holzer. She does these bad ass text portraits, using HUGE projections onto buildings, water, stairs, windows, trees, you name it. A+

TOMORROW:

I will be seeing a lecture given by Jodi Adams and Curtis Mann

Bummed

2009-10-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

I didn't think living without an ID would be this bad.

I can't go out with anyone.

No one wants to come chill.

I can't even go see some music anywhere.

No one wants to do anything period unless it involves a club.

He barely talks to me anymore.

I don't know if he's really busy or if he thinks I'm tryin to holler at him, but all I wanted to do was hang.

I keep getting blown off and I don't know why.

BUT

At least I'm trying.

I just need to try harder.

I'm just going to bury myself in school.

It's the only thing I want to do.

I miss you, Omaha.

Smart Bar

2009-09-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

I have found it! I have found new drum n bass, dubstep, house, industrial, and techno!

This place is HUUUUGE! The lightning gets really wild, you can't really see in the picture but the walls light up green in the lounging areas. On Weds, Thurs, and Fri they stay open till 4, and Saturdays till 5! So nuts!

I got done with all my darkroom stuff last night, just making prints of my own stuff because I bought the wrong paper, and still have to shoot 2 rolls and make 6 prints before Wednesday. While I was walking out my teacher assistant was behind me, saying "Look at you, gettin a jump start." I told him I'd already done all of this before, and then we ended up sharing a cigarette and telling me a little about photography events at the school and then we exchanged numbers and he invited me to come out to this place.

HOLY BALLLZZZZ

WAS

ECSTATIC!

I saw Caspa + Timid, Whoa-B, and J Courage. Sadly, I didn't bring my camera to show pictures. I wanted to dance more! It was fucking incredible. Just what I needed!

平和と愛

Nothin but good vibes

2009-09-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

The past couple weeks I was feeling very blue, and out of touch from everyone and everything. I started to question my motives, my desires, my ambition, and my over all strength as a person.

Up until a few days ago, I decided to stop.

Stop worrying.

Stop questioning.

Stop being self concious.

Stop being another student sitting in a classroom and not saying anything,

and BE someone more.

Everyday I go to class, It gets a little better. I learn a little more, and I slowly make my mark.

I've decided that I'm not going to post a

ny of my photographs until the end of the semester, or maybe when I make my own website.

Today in my Photo class we t

alked a lot about light, what it does for the photograph, the mood it gives off, and the texture it creates. We looked at this photographer by the name of Elinor Carucci. We took a look at her series of photographs titled, "Closer." This series was essentially just everyday life of her family, mostly her parents, her husband, and her sister. Some of them so simple, yet they seem to make you look at the simple things in life differently. I think it's extraodinary how close she is with her parents, and how they are willing to let her photograph these nude pictures of them and portray them as how she sees him. They almost make you step back and look at your own family, how similar, or how different it may be to hers.

You can check you her other work at http://www.elinorcarucci.com

On another note....

For my 2-D Design class we are starting on this outrageous project. Essentially we grabbed a box, and filled it with all kinds of arts and crafts, and random stuff he had for us, and we put it inside this box to create shape, and lines, and texture. WELL....this is literally a 24hr project. We are supposed to take and hour and half out of our day to sit down and draw this 3-D image, 2-dimensionally, on a 22x28 paper, WITH A PEN! This should be very interesting...

This is my totally absurd box that's going to be hard to draw. =/

Until next time kids.....

Anticipation

2009-09-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

Photo 1

My teacher is awesome. I did some research on him and found some really great stuff. He's been in exhibits all over the world, mostly in New York, Philadelphia, The Netherlands, and of course, Chicago. He grew up in South Side Chicago and got a MFA & BA at Columbia. He really inspired me to live and breath photography. You can check out some of his work here. He's laid back, but particular about what he expects out of all of us. As most teachers do, he advised us to use the school, The Museum of Contemporary Photography (on campus), the Art Institute of Chicago, the library, and everything around us, to soak up every ounce of information that we can. This class is going to be so awesome. It's kind of a refresher for me, but I have a feeling I am going to learn a lot. (Not to mention that it's on the 8th floor and I have an amazing view of Lake Michigan EVERYDAY!) It just blows my mind. Everyone in the class seems really cool, isn't from Chicago at all, it's crazy!

Darkroom 1

I have the same people in this class as I do in my Photo 1, just a different teacher. My teacher seems really serious about everything, but very cool. She's older and has been teaching at Columbia for awhile. One of the first things she told us was, "You can check out my work at karenglaserphotography.com" SERIOUS BUSINESS. She said as of recently she's been doing a lot of underwater photographs. I checked some of them out, and they are extraordinary.

On the first day of class she showed us a 25 x 38 print of this.

She also showed us the darkrooms (which are huge) and where to develop film, and then we got to see some work that was at the Museum of Contemporary Photography. Upon walking in the students working there we're talking amongst themselves and saying, "Oh Karen's here you guys..Karen's here." I felt honored to even be in her presence. I didn't know this but, you can request to see an artists work anytime during certain hours. And everything is the original prints! How crazy is that?

2-D Design

Definitely not the class I thought it was. I thought we would be doing things on the computer, and designing using shapes and patterns and what not. Completely wrong. It's mostly drawing and painting. FUCK! I don't mind it, I just can't really do either of those things very well, so it'll be interesting to see how this class works out for me. Right when we started he gave us an assignment to pick out seven images for a scale and have one side be the good, and one side be the evil, what comes in the middle, and everything else in between. The first thing that came into my head was images of rich people, images of poor people, and images of the middle class, so I just went with that. Everyone in that class is mostly Art & Design majors, or Advertising majors. AND there was only 1 person in the class that was actually from Chicago. WILD!

Art History

My teacher is wild about art history, let me tell you. It's your typical lecture class, but he's so scatter-brained it's hard to keep up with him. It's almost as if he has too much information and he just wants to get it all out at once. I met a couple new people in the class, so hopefully that should make it better.

School is amazing. It feels good to be back.

31st Annual Chicago Jazz Festival

2009-09-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

Fareed Haque & The Flat Earth Ensemble

Crazy Masks!

St Charles High School

Such a nice day.

Columbia College!

Esperanza Spalding.

So many people...GODDAMN!

These dude's were just jammin. That guy's playing 2 saxophones at once! There was a good 10-15 people standing listening to them, and then they stopped and started preaching about God and throwing Jesus in our faces and only 5 people, (including myself) were left standing. After awhile it just became repetitive and I had to walk away.

Sadly because of work, I was only able to attend on Friday, but it was incredible. I felt so at peace. I met a photographer there who took some pictures of me. His name was Jerry Goldner and he's a wildlife photographer. He just kept telling me about how he was really stoned and that he's just been going around freelancing and said he basically gives his photographs away for free. He said to me, "It's such a reward to not get paid to do what you love, but to simply just love what you do." You can check out his work here.

Until next time....

School supplies, Hobo's, and Bomb Bakeries

2009-08-31T21:26:00.000-07:00

Here it is! My first actual blog about my whereabouts and happenings in this crazy, random, totally off the wall city that I now call home.

First off, I can't even begin to describe how in love I am. I wake up everyday and sometimes I still can't believe I am here. There's so much to do, and so much to explore. Everyday is an adventure waiting to unfold.

I started work last Monday, and it is extremely wild. Unfortunetely their back to school started that week, and will continue through the 2nd week in September. THUMBS DOWN. Back to school was rough in Omaha, and here it is just as busy and I am running everywhere constantly. The way they run this store is outrageous, and totally not efficient in anyway. Instead of restocking in the morning, they restock at night.

This

means

staying

later.

On my first day we stayed an extra 2hrs later, and didn't get out until 11. This week we close at 10.....I can't even imagine how much that's going to suck. I don't really mind this because when I go to work I feel like I have friends, and generally have people to talk to about the city. Everyone I work with is crazy.

No, I'm dead serious.

My General Manager, John (heavy Chicago accent, somewhat hispanic looking) seems like he doesn't really do anything but is constantly stressed out asking what's going on with everything. This assumption was confirmed by Phil (who I'll get to later) saying, "He basically sits in his office all day, and we can do whatever we want on the floor."

Fuck.

Yeah.

My Assistant Manager, Patrick (big black dude), is hilarious. He generally likes to have a good time at work, and crack jokes, but still gets work done. One of the first days I worked with him I told him I had a "cash-on-hand-warning" and he kept forgetting about it. Later when we closed he said to me, "I don't do those, I used to work in the projects before I came here ok...if we needed to pick up cash from the register, we had to close the whole store." Fair enough.

My other manager, Jodi (really short white guy) is off the wall nuts. He's the kind of guy that will tell it to you like it is, and won't really care either way how it makes you feel. But he is overally nice to customers, and talks in a quiet old woman's voice. Upon closing one night with him he found a labeler in the office and ran out screaming at all of us. "WHY IS THIS HERE?!"....."It's not on planogram, we can't find a place for it." We all kind of said at the same time. "WELL LETS MAKE A FUCKIN PLANOGRAM FOR IT! COME ON YOU GUYS!" I was so terrified. His face got so angry, and then turned straight and said, "I'm just kidding, I'll take care of this tomorrow." When he checked my bag after the first night I worked he saw my pills and asked, "Oooooo what pills you got?" and I couldn't help but laugh and say, "It's Ibuprofen."

My Logistics Manager, Helen (short big black lady) I've only worked with twice. From what I have seen so far, she works her ass off and is constantly moving. She also likes to fuckin yell in the headset, which hurts my ears.

My associates are generally all around my age, which is awesome. There's Phil (half Mexican, half white), who's really fuckin cute, but is 18, just starting college, and just talks to me about all the wild shit he does when he's drunk. He definitely likes to P.A.R.T.Y. Amir (middle eastern lookin dude who goes to Depaul), who I thought was real fine when I first saw him, turned out to be a total bro when I heard him listening to Lil Wayne videos on youtube on his break. Not a fine dude anymore. Ana (22yr old who's from Guatemala) is a super nice, friendly, and fun girl. She reminds me a lot of Rosie in a lot of ways, so I think we could potentially be good friends in the future. Stephanie (white girl from Milwaukee), goes to some fancy smart school (that I can't remember the name of, but she said it was similar to M.I.T.) and majors in physics. She's the kind of girl that automatically assumes you're dumb and don't know anything, and will try to teach you in a nice way, but it just comes out all wrong. So I'm not particularly a a huge fan of her. Nancy (29yr old from Mexico City who could pass for being Russian any day with her accent) literally lives in the building next to mine, so I have someone to ride the bus and the train with. Nick (25yr old tall dark haired white dude) basically thinks he's the shit and knows everything. Every time I ask him a question I feel like he's talking down to me, and I HATE THAT. But he gave me his number on Saturday and said, "We should go out sometime, I'll show you the hot spots." I don't really like his vibes, but I figure I'll give him a chance anyways because I don't have any friends here yet.

All of these people are so different, and so unique in their own ways, (and I haven't even met everyone I work with yet!). I love coming into work just because of that. It's crazy because I feel like the minority, there's not many people white people that work there, and it's awesome.

On my walk to the beach, I waited for the walking symbol to cross the street and an African guy ran across and turned back looking at me and said, "Afraid to die?" I just said, "Uh....yeah..." and he walked with me to the beach telling me his story of how he came to Chicago. He said he came from Africa, and that he used to be a teacher at Berkley and decided one day that he was going to leave and take nothing but his backpack and just go to Chicago for the hell of it. He said he didn't know anyone and that now he knows me. And then of course that was followed by a series of "You got a husband? Serious boyfriend? If I was your husband I would treat you right, honor you, cherish you. How does one get to know you better?" "Uh..I don't really know, do you live around here?" "Oh no no I go to the shelter, do you have a phone number of some sort, so that I could see you again sometime?" "Um...I don't really give it out..." We had come to the bike trail and it was made obvious that I was going to keep walking, and he said "Oh ok, I see you again sometime Christine, we shall meet again!" and I just smiled, said "See ya," and went to read my book. Hobo's are crazy. I get asked for change probably 5-10 times a day everywhere I go. Some of them only ask you once, but some of them sit there and give you a whole speech about how everyone should help the homeless. I've noticed there's one on my street that literally walks up and down Bryn Mawr 24/7 fidgeting with his hands and talking to himself at times. I guess it's not too appealing that there's an institution for mental illness people across from my building either. They have this fenced in patio where they're able to get fresh air, but all they do is pull their chairs up to the fence and stare at you as you walk by.

Basically the past week I have just been getting familiar with my neighborhood, walking around the block every which way, or riding the train and getting off at each stop exploring. On Thursday I was determined to find a good bakery close by.

I walked into this place and its filled with everything you can think of and everyday they put out new things. Muffins, cookies, loafs of bread, pastries, donuts, and cream filled cakes. You grab a tray and pick out whatever you want and bring it up to the register when you're done. I grabbed a muffin, a cookie, a donut, and an apple pastry and had no idea what the price was going to be, but didn't even care. It was literally, $2.50 for everything. I was in heaven. I ate the donut on my way to the train, and I about had a party in my mouth it was so good. MMMMM

I'll be blogging soon, there's a lot of Jazz happening at Millenium Park this week, and weekend that I am really looking forward to. And the best part of it is, IT'S FREE!

I can't wait for school to start.

I can't wait for tomorrow, and every other day that follows.

Decorated

2009-08-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

This is my door, (obviously) I put the smile that Jake painted there so that everytime I leave I'll remember to smile =) And then there's turntables, a signed Crystal Method poster (thanks to Ali), a picture I took of Chicago when I first visited, and a Marilyn Monroe little poster that Keith didn't want.

My dresser has random stuff on it right now, as you can see....

This is mostly where I keep my cameras, camera supplies, shoes, pants, and school shit.

I have too many clothes. The closet actually goes to the right pretty far back also.

I got this couch for free. Neil stole it from Creighton and had another one exactly the same so he let me have it.

My tv doesn't work for my dvd player. I didn't find this out till a couple days after I moved in, so I mostly just listen to music, or watch movies on my macbook.

I LOVE THIS CHAIR! I also got this chair for free too. My counselor that I used to see was going to throw it away, so I said I'd take it. It's way comfortable. I also scored the hanging picture thing at Urban Outfitters for like $10. I was just going to put Omaha pictures on it, and right now I just have Lightning Bug, a picture of the Zoo, and a polaroid of Steph, Emily, and I.

This wall is dedicated to SAM EVANS!

And this one is dedicated to Erykah Badu. Mhmmm

This is my kitchen. My stove didn't get turned on till about 2 days ago, and my microwave currently doesn't work. I don't know why, but it just doesn't heat up so I've been calling everywhere to try to get it fixed. I don't want to return it because its from Nebraska Furniture Mart and that'd just be a hassle.

You can't really see it very well, but I have a drawing/writing that Nic drew/wrote while we were all really stoned one night at my old house. Then I have a senior picture of Rosie. I have lot's of other pictures, but I just think she looks gorgeous in that one, so I put it up. And then there's a Film Festival, and Free Yoga coming up in Sept that I'm going to check out. And then Jeff and an awesome Thai restaurant within walking distance from my apartment that delivers! (Even though I don't really need them to.) I also have all those words from my old house that I haven't messed with at all yet. My mom was trying to write me a sentence and could only find "love you man" that was appropriate.

You can't really see, but the trains over there.

This is my view, another apartment complex WOOOO!! lol

I did actually make a video of this, but it was too long for youtube, and it wasn't uploading on here, so I just took pictures instead. I'll have to fill you in on what I've been doing since I've been here in a different blog. I've just kinda been busy taking care of shit, and trying to get familiar with my surroundings.

I MISS ALL OF YOU SO MUCH!

Hmmm..

2009-08-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I try to make things work at the most inconvenient times.

I'm sorry I never gave you a chance earlier.
I hope we can enjoy this time together while we can.

9 more days till I leave....crazy. It still hasn't hit me yet. So much to do, and so little time. I just can't wait till I'm in my apartment. My OWN apartment, full of my OWN SHIT!! I feel so accomplished.

Also, I'm feeling a lot better about who I am, what I want, and the people I don't need in my life anymore. I've realized I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. If that makes me a shady bitch....so be it.

I'll be back for my trial and everything, and my manager is nice enough to let me come home for Christmas. =)

(This is one big random blog, cuz I'm on break at work and I have no money for food so I'm just sitting back here.)

I've run out of things to say.....
PEACE

I dont know why

2009-08-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

But lately, everyday has been filled with laughter. Non-stop, crying, make-your-stomache-hurt laughter. It's mind blowing.

You have no idea how much I'm going to miss all of you in my life everyday.

On another note, I feel horrible for my friends hurting and going through some stupid shit. (it's funny how karma works and how ironic this is) I promise you, it is not the end of the world. You will get through this, just like I did.

I couldn't ask for more.

2009-07-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

Chicago was amazing. Everything has worked out, and happened all so fast it's crazy. It was like one thing after the other just fell right into place.

Tuesday, after much walking and going in all different directions, we finally came to an Office Max on Fullerton Ave in a shopping center called "Riverfront Mall." I spoke to the general manager there about a transfer and he said he would call my boss and get back to me. The rest of the day consisted of nothing but walking around downtown, enjoying the scenery, and great food. Grant Park had festivities going on all summer, and that day they had a rehearsal for a show they were going to put on later in the week. It was awesome!

These kids were havin a blast.

LOOK AT THIS GODDAMN BLOODY MARY!

Wednesday, we walked around neighborhoods Bucktown, Wicker Park, and Wriggleyville. All of these neighborhoods are extroardinary. They're a lot like Midtown and downtown Omaha, (only way cooler of course).They're filled with bars, clubs, music venues, and a lot of shopping. I found this store called "Vintage Underground," where I found a gold capricorn ring. No one ever has capricorn stuff, EVER.....they're always out. I had to buy it. This store was pretty similar to Joe's Collectibles downtown, (only smaller and full of jewelry).

Afterwards we went back downtown and saw this restaurant they used to have in Lincoln called "The Reagle Beagle." My mom was freakin about it, and said her brother used to go there and hang out all the time. So needless to say, we had to take a picture. They played nothin but 70's and 80's music, and had "Three's Company" playing on the tv's. (I used to LOVE that show!)

The city all lit up!

On Thursday, I had an appointment with a company called "Chicago Apartment Finders." Basically what they do is drive you around and show you different apartments in your price range, and match you up with everything you're looking for. We had an agent named Louie. He was a really cool dude who knew a lot about Chicago and traveled all over the world. (Even to Egypt and Jerusalem!) After a lot of driving around, and being locked out of several apartments, the last one I saw I fell in love with. It's kind of small, but its livable.

I will be in a neighborhood called "Edgewater." It's pretty far north, but is a half hour from school and work, and 5 miles from North Avenue Beach. PERFECTOOOO! The lease starts Aug 15th, but I won't be able to officially move in until the weekend of the 21st. Kind of shitty paying for rent when you won't even be there, but hey....I got a place to live.

Friday consisted of nothing but taking care of school business. We had an appointment with the photography advisor at 10am, and were running late. The lady at the desk told us if we were more than 15mins late, we'd have to reschedule. We got off the blue line at 10:10 and literally ran 4 blocks to the wrong building. HA! When we made it there she was with another student and said she would see us in between appointments. THANK GOD! She went over all of the classes I need to start out, and also informed me that I had about 4 core classes I still needed to take. 78 credit hours at Metro, and only 48 of them transfered. I was upset. I still have to take more Math, Science, and History. FML. My photography classes didn't transfer so I had to go see one of the photography administers to see if I could convince him to transfer them. I showed him my portfolio, he said it was "not bad," gave me a quiz, and asked me general questions. Finally he said he was able to transfer one of them as an elective for my major.

Later on, my mom had a convention for work and I wasn't about to sit at the hotel all night so I decided to go to a place called "The Kinetic Playground." I saw online that they were having a hip hop/trance/experimental show going on that night, but when I actually got there, no one was in there except 3 people. Apparently, there was not a show at all. I decided to walk around the area and went into a bar called "The Crew." I was super hungry so I decided to eat and have a couple drinks. All of a sudden the place started getting packed....FULL OF DUDES! At first I was confused, and then realized I was the only girl in the bar, and knew why. I found out later I was in a part of town called, "Boystown," aka Gay central.....nothing like the one in Omaha. I decided to ride the train back to Bucktown and ended up at another bar. I met some guys there from Ohio. The only thing we had in common was the band, "The Black Keys," and they invited me to go to an irish bar with them down the street. I went and met some of their other friends that were actually from Chicago, and just asked them questions about the city. It got to be around 11 and I figured I should probably head back. The train was PACKED. As soon as I got on I put on my head phones and zoned out. The next thing I saw was 2 girls yelling at some dude, throwing shit at him and hitting him. I have no idea what they were saying, but when we came to the next stop the CTA guys kicked the girls off and the guy being harassed handed some other guy $20 and told him thanks and got off the train. The guy handed out $2 to me and everyone around him. People are nuts.

Saturday, my mom had a convention again all day. I decided to find my way to the beach, and relax.

It was super crowded. They had volleyball courts, a bar, gift shops, places to eat, and even a dodgeball court. The water was extremely cold, but the sand was just right. I got a call from Office Max while I was layin out saying they would transfer me to their store. =)

The rest of the night I had really bad cramps. So bad, that I couldn't even walk or stand up. Such a bummer.

Sunday, I saw a flyer for the Wicker Park Festival and we decided to go check it out.

It was very similar to the Summer Arts Festival in Omaha, only better. They had a lot of sidewalk sales and incredible stores.

Before we headed back to the hotel, I had to see the beach one last time as the sun went down.

LOOK AT THOSE CLOUDS!

I'm in love with this city. I'm terrifyingly excited. There's a new chapter in my life ahead...and I can't wait to watch it all unfold.

I'll be having a going away party August 14 or 16th. I don't have details yet, but it will most likely be a BBQ at my parents house during the day. I'll make a facebook event for it sometime this week.

MUAH!

"Do I look fat in these jeans?"

2009-07-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

It's taken me awhile to actually sit down and write this specific blog. And it's not because I'm targeting one person in particular or because I'm angry in anyway, but because I want you to hopefully see where I'm coming from.

I've been hanging out with a lot of girls the past couple months. At first this was really uncomfortable for me, and I was socially awkward. (Considering, of course, the last 4 years of my life have revolved around nothing but loud music, and sweaty dudes sitting around talking about how fine the girl that just walked down the street is.) I had no idea what to talk about, or how to even begin to relate to their everyday insecurities and drama filled lives. Everything was a competition, and somehow no one ever won.

Growing up, I was always the tall, sickly skinny blonde chik who had braces, wore huge glasses and was always stuck in a book. The only thing I can really remember being insecure about, looks-wise, was my face. (Acne took over and planted itself everywhere) Being 13, I didn't have much else to care about, (besides the fact that I wanted huge boobs so guys would like me), so I never really worried about anything else on the outside. I was more scared of the things I said, and how I acted.

When high school hit, I had a whole world of insecurities (just like everyone else). When I transfered to Millard North for the first time, I had a problem arise that I had never been faced with: Life without uniforms. Suddenly I could wear whatever I wanted to school, and in girl world this just meant who could wear the best jeans, the best shirt, the best shoes, and even breaking it down to who had the best backpack with the best school supplies to match it. Everything was a constant competition. It was like thriving off of compliments everyday so you could prove to yourself that you were in fact "stylish and cool." I also couldn't and didn't feel the need to say things like, "Ugh, my thighs are huge" and "Look at my rolls, they're so gross." (Because we know if I did, people would think I was actually in fact, annorexic.)

As I started attending Metro the fall after I graduated high school, I started learning a lot on this subject. Upon talking about expectations women hold, I announced to my class that I in fact only had 3 good girl friends, and all the rest were guys. My English teacher asked me once, "Why do you think it is you have more guy friends than girl friends?" I told her what I knew from my experiences, that girls tend to be very judgemental, dramatic, and obsessed with how they look. When you're in a room full of guys all the time, they're most likely not going to care what you look like. Besides, if you're attractive and you're the only girl in the room, what do you have to be insecure about? More power to you, right?

In most ways I think this is why I wasn't your average insecure girl. I never obsessed about the way I looked, because I didn't have any reason to. I never had a girl constantly with me to remind me everyday that I was pretty, to tell me that those jeans don't look good one me, that my hair's beautiful, or that outfits just not me. I based my judgement on myself, by me. (I don't understand why you need me to constantly tell you if you look good or not.) Someone can tell you a million times you're beautiful or that dress looks good on you, but if you can't look in the mirror and say "Damn, I look good" by yourself every once in awhile, you're better off not even looking in the mirror to begin with. It's true you can change the way you look (whether it be working out everyday to gettin boob jobs) but if you don't make any effort to do so, no one wants to hear you bitch about it.

This is where the confusion lies when I say things like this because I come off as some cocky bitch that thinks she's hot shit. Believe it or not, I'm not. Yes I am confident in the way I look the majority of the time, but that doesn't mean I don't have other insecurities on the inside as well. Everyone has SOMETHING their insecure about, it's just how we were made. It's all about how you choose to look at it.

Here lies my problem: I've found myself slowly turning into the girls I despise. Because after all, it's easy to be THAT girl. All you have to do is gossip all the time, talk shit about everyone, and talk about how much you hate yourself and the way you look. It's so annoying.....

I don't enjoy talking shit on other people.

I don't live for the thrill of telling someone someone said this, and someone did this.

I don't care to hear over and over again about how shitty some guy treats you, when you let him do it.

I don't care who's fucking who.

I'm not going to base my opinion on someone you know by your opinion, and I'm not going to be a bitch to them just because you don't like them.

I DON'T LIKE DRAMA.

Is it the pressure of being like every other crazy dramatic and sensitive girl, or is it the girls I hang out with?

What do I do? This isn't me....

Upcoming:

2009-06-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

July 14th: DOOMTREE

YES!

July 20-27: Chiiiggy

SO EXCITED!

Still haven't come up with an exact move date. It looks like I will most likely be living by myself in a studio, (which is kind of scary, but something I'd rather do). I'm lookin at mid-late August, just all depends on how the visit goes.

ecaep & evol

EDC REcap:

2009-06-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

Just got back from the Electric Daisy Carnival today around 2:30. Hands down one of the greatest shows I've ever been to. 5 different stages, 4 different rides, painting, GLOWSTICKS, mimes, people walkin on stilts, and so many beautiful people everywhere you turn.

When we arrived we first stopped at the Aurora Mall, and grabbed some Chik-Fil-a. I took pictures of everything, documented literally everything we saw or did. We had a couple hours to kill before the show, so we just hung out around the mall. The guys went to Tilt while Jenna and I changed into our outfits. Upon meeting up with them, I took a picture of Jake playin DDR. Little did I know, this would be the last picture I would ever take on my camera. 5pm rolls around and we decided to be on our way. We were not even 10mins away when I noticed that my camera was not in my purse. I started freaking out. I looked everywhere in Nic's car before I told them, "We have to go back." Well of course, on our way there we got lost, taking us over an hr & 1/2 to get there. When we finally arrived, my camera was in fact, no where in site. I walked into Tilt, thinking it fell out of my purse and it was laying on the floor somewhere. Nope. I asked the guys workin at Tilt if anyone turned in a camera, or saw one, and if they found one to give me a call. I did the same at Customer Service. I got so upset walking out of that mall. I started to cry, sitting on the curb next to Nic's car, burying my face in my lap. That was the worst feeling in the world. I had lost a huge part of my life because of some asshole that stole it. We all got back in the car and Nic & Jenna were scrambling around, looking everywhere in his car. I finally just said, "Let's just go you guys."

8pm

We had arrived. Jeremy, Jake, Cameron, & Justin were waiting for us by the entrance. We walked up to talk to them and Jeremy looked at me and said, "I'm sorry about your camera Kramer." I wanted to cry all over again and said, "You don't understand dude, that camera's my life," flailing my arms up. "Yeah, but you can always get a new one, its replacable. All of this kramer," waving his arms wide open, "this isn't, so don't worry about it, and just have fun." I told him he was right, and from that moment on, I didn't even think about it. Luckily, Nic has the same camera I do, and let me bring it in the show to take pictures. When we first arrived, the sky was BEAUTIFUL. It rained a little bit around 6, but didn't rain the whole rest of the night, just kinda cold and windy.

As the night went on, I started venturing off by myself, going in and out of the different stages, taking pictures, and dancing my ass off.

First of all, this is who we saw:

Stage 1: kineticFIELD

house & trance

paul van dyk

infected mushrooms

james zabiela

michael myers

joaquin bamaca

dragon

trajikk

jonas tempel

manufactured superstars

Stage 2: circuitGROUNDS

electronica+electro

the crystal method

live

a.c. slater

nadastrom

computer club

alex k

sureshot

blend

Stage 3: bassPOD

drum & bass, broken beats

Monster of Jungle

Diesalboy

Mayhem

Infiltrata

The Upbeats

Evol Intent

Dido

mystical influence

fury

pete smalls

ishe

beekay

breakbeat mafia

Stage 4: neonGARDEN

breaks, house, techno

wyatt earp

sir thomas

tom hoch

scott paradis

alan endorfun

cognition

shawn astrom

steve synfull

Stage 5: cosmicMEADOW

breaks, drum & bass, house, electro, trance

kostas k

hycloud

ghosh

guy

ascension

nevin vs. entropy

stone-e

smash bros.

Numero uno shortly before this.

When we first walked into the bassPOD I immedietley started thinking of Jeff. I kept thinking I was seeing him everywhere, and I wished he was there so bad. He would've LOVED IT!

This guy gave me the first light show I've ever experienced, and it was amazing.

Numero dos shortly before this ride. My mind was telling me I was scared shitless, but I didn't feel it at all. We stood in this line for over an hour, taking turns stayin, and dancing. It was cold and windy, and we all just stood there rubbin and huggin on eachother. At one point Jeremy said, "I just need to dance dude," and went back in one of the stages. When we finally got up to get on the ride, some dude puked everywhere getting off, and that got me a little scared. That was the last thing I wanted to do. When we got on it started to rock us back and forth, and then stall us in the middle of the air, followed by spinning us upside down front and backwards. All I could hear was Jeremy sreaming, "LOOK GUYS I'M STALLING, LOOK!" I couldn't look. I couldn't even move. I felt like my body was paralyzed. It was the biggest rush of my life. All of a sudden I heard something drop under me, and Jake screamed, "What was that? Thats your phone! Step on it!" I tried, but failed miserably. We rocked back in the air and Jake and I literally watched it float right in front of us. Again, I couldn't move. Jake started to grab for it screaming, "OH SHIT! OH SHIT!" and by the time I tried it was too late. BAM CRASHED TO THE GROUND. When we got off the ride all I could find was the top half of it. This girl waiting in line asked me what I was looking for and I told her what happened and she said, "Oh shit! That sucks girl! I say you look for it for like 15mins and if you don't find it, fuck it and GO DANCE!" I thought to myself for a second, thinking, 'That girls got the right idea' and as soon as I went back to the kineticFIELD, I forgot all about it, and danced till the show was over.

Jeremy was determined to drive back right after the show. That kinda freaked me out a little bit, but we made it. When I got in Nic's car after the show, I instantly got cold and tired. We started to drive and my stomache started to hurt really bad. I sat up, and realized I had drank 4 bottles of water, and only peed once. I had the worst pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. I called Jeremy and said, "Dude I need to go like NOW, pull over somewhere, or on the side of the road I don't care."

After we stopped and I went pee, (which was the longest piss I've ever taken, by the way) I was out within 10mins of getting in the car, and slept for 5hours.

This was probably the most amazing night of my life. My mind was completely blown for 8hrs straight. I was floatin on a totally different level guaranteed. I can't even fully describe how amazing this was.

So many beautiful, friendly, and loving people.

So much new music I've been introduced to that I've been looking for.

L.A. next year.

2 days of heaven, nonstop.

Ohthislifeofmine.... =)

It's Electric

2009-06-12T10:12:00.001-07:00

Im so excited for this! It's probably going to be one of the greatest shows I ever go to.

Pictures, and a blog following when I get back. =)

Dancin to the beat of my own drum

2009-06-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. There's always somethin goin on, and theres always people to hang with. It's awesome. I feel so much better about my life, and all the people in it.

I finally just

let

go.

Life is too short.

I'm helping my friend Thom work on his senior art project for school this weekend. I don't want to go into details just yet, but it's going to be one of the greatest things he's ever done. I'm really excited to take pictures for him and be apart of it.

ALSO...

check me out on my tumblr, and sign up for one and follow me!

It goes on and on

2009-05-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

Alright kids, its been a minute since I last blogged.

I've been busy busy busy! I moved back to my parents house on Memorial day. It feels like yesterday I was just moving out. It's so weird being here, and coming home here. I wanted to be in the basement and kind of have the whole basement to myself and come and go as I please, but it's still not finished yet. They still have to put the carpet down and the counter top surfaces in, so who knows how long that will take. All of my shits just kind of everywhere in the garage. We only have till Sunday to get the house cleaned up and get the rest of Dobel's shit out. GAH! Overall, I'm kind of sad to leave. Sometimes, I really wanted to scream and choke all of them, but in the end I had a really good time. I'm still incredibly angry with Jade. The next time I see that girl I don't know what I'll do. How do you steal peoples shit, think its yours, not clean shit, and then peace out for a month to California? I don't understand how that girl's mind works.

On a good note: I scored a free couch, a free tv, and some tapestries.

I've started talking to a boy. I've kind of known him since high school, hung out with him all the time, but never really got to know him very well. (I'm finding I did this a lot in high school) He's actually not the person I thought he was at all. He's really sweet, and generally a nice guy all around. So we've been talking for a little bit and I'm not sure what to think about it just yet. I like him, but I haven't been in any kind of relationship or dating or whatever it is in a long time and I don't really know how to act. Plus....I feel like if I am going to start dating, why should I keep going back to my circle of friends? AND I don't really want to start anything crazy since I will be gone in August. I don't know. I'm just going with the flow, and just havin a good time for now. I think thats pretty much all I can do.

Before I know it, summer will be over....=[

Who wants to throw me a going away party? =D There will be one at Rookies for sure, but just don't know when yet.

TIME IS FLYIN

In Progress

2009-05-10T21:37:00.001-07:00

Still not anywhere close to being done, but I like what I've got so far. I forgot how relaxing and peaceful painting is. Just kinda wish I was better it. Ha. The words are lyrics from the intro and outro of Common's "Be" album, one of my favorites of all time. I'm still trying to come up with all the pictures and stuff and still not really sure how I want to go about it. Hopefully I'll be finished with this sometime soon. =]

Peace.

Ramblings

2009-05-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

My mind won't stop. There's so many things running through my head.

When you were younger, did you ever think that this is where you would be? That this would be your life? That each decision, each embrace, and each path would lead you straight to here, to this very moment? Don't get me wrong, I don't despise or regret anything I've done thus far, but sometimes I wonder if it's really freedom of choice, or if God has some mysterious plan for all of us.

I just got done watching the season final of Taking the Stage. I haven't seen all of the episodes, but have a pretty good idea of what's going on. Even though I despise MTV with a passion, this show seriously inspires me. These kids are in high school and they go to a fuckin amazing art school in Cincinnati and they're unbelievably talented. They literally blow my mind. It makes me want to dance my heart out everytime I watch it. I can remember when I was 5 years old when my mom took me to a small dance studio called Milldred Collins by Nobbies on 120th & center. My mom lifted me up so I could see the dancers in the window. She asked me if I wanted do that, if I wanted to be one of those ballerinas, standing in a row holding on to the bar with their arms stretched open wide. I remember shaking my head up and down, and not saying anything. I can still envision it in my head like it was yesterday. From then on, my life was completely dedicated to dance until my senior year of high school. From the practice, to the costumes, the make-up, the rehearsals, the recitals, the blazing lights, and the crowd full of people waiting to watch you. I loved it. I couldn't tell you exactly what happened, or why I became so self conscious about it and stopped. I watch that show and it touches my heart in a way I can't explain. I really miss it.

This is really random, but one of my uncles died when I was in middle school. He was one of my mom's brothers. She always told me that he had so much potential, that he could be whatever he wanted, a fuckin comedian, a musician, an actor, or anything. She talked about him like he was some secret genius that had the world at his feet, but no where to stand. I can remember telling myself that I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to regret not doing something, or not fulfilling my potential. I still feel like this, I just lack the motivation and I don't know why. I don't know how, or why I lost it.

When I went to visit Columbia for the first time, I felt like I was home. I felt like all of my dreams, and my desires were just waiting to come true. I stepped into the dark rooms, the photography rooms, and the open dance studios, and I just wanted to do everything all at once. I'm excited and anxious for next fall, but I'm scared out of my mind. I have this feeling, the crazy assumption that once I go there everything will be ok, everything will work out the way I want it to, but.....what if it doesn't? What if I'm just running away from everything here? I hope that's not it. I don't think it is, but sometimes I feel like all I want to do is get away and start a new life. I have the chance to go to this amazing school, to fulfill everything I've always wanted to do, but if I lack the motivation, and don't have confidence in myself and my dreams, where does that lead me?

Here.

Stuck.

So what do I do? How do I get it back? When will I finally do all of things I want to?

The real world got in the way.

The jobs. The rent. The food. The gas. The bills. The car. The doctors. The medicine. The bad influences. The weed. The alcohol. The drugs. The bars. The negative environments. The bad relationships. The insurance. The government.

I'm just rambling. I've been alone for too long I think. I'm the only one here all the time, by myself. Neil's always at Autumns, Dobel's always at Shawn's, and Jade moved out last week. Basically, I wake up alone, come home after work, and have the whole house to myself again. It's crazy. At first it kinda creeped me out. I'd get scared randomly, hear things, and think it was something or someone it wasn't. It's kinda weird having no one to come home to, to rely solely on yourself. It's super lonely, but I've realized that I could manage. I'm content coming home and making myself some dinner, watching a movie, painting, listening to music, and fuckin around on photoshop. It makes me feel stronger everyday. I know some people might find that odd, but it makes me feel like I'm growing. Lately though, it's been making me super lonely. More so than often I wish someone would just come chill with me. I'm not really the life of the party during the week, and most people are down the street, but I'm too lazy to go anywhere or be around certain people I don't really care to be around. A part of me still feels like everyone came together, and I am still on the outside for some reason, stuck in limbo. I know I shouldn't feel like that and have no reason to because a lot of people have been trying to be-friend me and get to know me and I haven't really made the effort to do the same. I don't know why.

I think I'm going to be done with this crazy rant. I have to work 12hrs tomorrow, and I need sleep desperately. Even when I get it, I still don't feel like it's enough. I fall into these crazy deep sleeps and have dreams and when I wake, I just want to keep dreaming. I feel like they're trying to tell me something, whether its just my subconscious, or something spiritual or whatever it is. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy.

I'm probably crazy...

Night.

Present.

2009-05-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

I try to keep telling myself this everyday..

and it's slowly getting better.

One of the biggest things I've realized out of this whole situation is that no matter what, life goes on and no one can bring me up more than myself. Guys are dicks, and are ridiculously immature. If you can't talk to me or so much as look at me the same, fuck you then. Some days are still harder than others, but I feel like I'm making progress and I hope I can overcome this. I just need to stop caring about what everyone else thinks, what everyone else is doing, and just do me. I've been having a lot of crazy dreams again almost every night. I haven't had a lot of dreams consecutively in a long time so its cool, but kinda fuckin with me at the same time.

I FINALLY got my macbook. I am in love. I can't even describe how amazing this computer is. I scored it for $600 from one of my dad's clients. He put office mac, AND CS3 on it too. BOMB. I look forward to a lot of good things coming from this.

On a serious note, I keep getting more stressed, anxious, worried and excited about Chicago. Rasha decided to change her mind about living with me. At first it didn't really surprise me, I can totally understand where she's coming from. It's just going to be a lot more difficult to find someone to live with, and a lot scarier to go up on my own with the possibility of living with a stranger. Difficult, and stressful, but not impossible. If anyone knows anyone there looking for roommates, or if anyone wants to move with me...lol let me know!

I have so much going on in the next couple months, It's going to be crazy!

Mogwai.

Lease is up end of May, movin back home.

Possible road trip to Minneapolis with Ali.

Chicago in July & August.

Hot Shops.

Rock the bells? Anyone?

Erin's Graduation party.

Teresa's Graduation & party.

I'm also going to be taking an Intermediate Photography class at Metro this summer, and I'm really excited. I need it so bad.

Another thing I've realized,

PEACE.

For me

2009-04-22T00:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I got here,

how I ended up.

or where I'm going.

BUT....

I'm going,

and I'm leaving.

Leave home

Leave familiar

Leave the course you’re on because you never wanted to be there in the first place.

Leave him

Leave her

Leave because they don’t appreciate your love, now do they really?

Leave working for someone else’s dream

Leave the shitty scene

Leave your comfortable couch

Leave convention

Respectability

Responsibility

Obligation.

Leave the guilt sorrow abuse violence rape

Leave it in the past because fuck them for attempting to ruin your future.

Leave apprehension

Leave intimidation

Leave “what’s right”, because who are they to tell you anyway.

Leave glasgow

Leave new york

Leave miami

Leave chicago

Definitely leave LA, because there is an adventure

a plane

Bus Train School application

Job application away.

Leave soul killing jobs

Leave negative people

Leave dead relationships

You are wasting your time

Your life

Your talent

Your love

Your opportunity

And with each passing day you slowly lose your shine

your glow

your spark

your fight

your heart.

You talk about it all the time.

Just fucking leave… And find yourself.

See you when I see you....

Stuck

2009-04-13T22:03:00.000-07:00

Side Note: I can't reveal full information on here so I apologize if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just venting.

I have so much to say and don't even know where to begin. The only things that are remotely keeping me sane is work and music. When I am alone I feel like I can't breathe. My anxiety levels and emotions are going NUTS.

I haven't felt like this in a really long time and I don't know what to do except bury myself in a hole and try not to drag everyone else down with me. I know a lot of people think I'm just bitching and I'm "choosing to feel like this" and I just wanna be a "huge downer" all the time, but it's more than that. I don't know how to let this go that easily. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to have this huge negative cloud over me again, but its so hard when the bad outweighs the good. I've gotten rid of it before, I know I can again, it's just going to be a lot harder this time. I think about it everyday, the future, what it all means for me, how everyone thinks about me now, how my whole perception on love and relationships is not the same anymore. It will never be the same anymore... I'm finding some of my closest friends apparently only care about themselves and their own happiness. I can understand the feeling, but damn.. I guess I just didn't expect to be completely ignored and treated like shit.

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

I'm so angry.

angry at God,

angry at him,

and I feel like anything can set me off.

I'm so tired of being harassed. I wish he would stop being fuckin ignorant and just

tell

what

need

know

and

FUCK OFF.

I've been without my own computer for almost 3wks now. Its killing me. It crashed erasing everything. I had saved a bunch of stuff on my hard drive but not everything. I can 't do photoshop, I can't upload any of my pictures (and now i have no idea where my camera is and I think someone jacked it), I can't put any of my music from my ipod on there. I cant do ANYTHING I want to. If I don't find my camera I'm going to loose my mind. If anyone found a nikon s550 at justin & demoes or know of anything whatsoever, PLEASE LET ME KNOW, THAT CAMERA'S MY LIFE.

I need to go back to to me, taking care of me, and worrying about me.

I need to think of Chicago, I need to think of all the amazing things I am going to learn, and all of the people I will meet who won't know anything about me.

I need to let YOU go completely because the reality of it is, all you do is hurt me and you don't even know or care that you're doing it.

I need to let THIS go.

I need to breathe again.

Life...lately

2009-04-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a pretty strong believer in karma and I've been having some pretty bad karma lately. Every time I feel like I've reached a good point in my life, I keep getting hit with all of these speed bumps and they continue to bring me down. I don't understand it. I don't understand how God, or even the world works. I know everything happens for a reason but damn.....
Why me?

When Jeff died I told myself I was going to live better, live more like him. I told myself I was going to enjoy every single breathe I take, every sunset, every rainy day, every food I put in my mouth, and everyone I meet. To live each day like it was your last, to dance when you wanna dance, sing even though you're horrible, laugh as much as possible, and love with all your heart.

I guess I just gotta keep trying to stay up and keep goin. The only good thing thats happened thus far was getting accepted into Columbia. It's the only good news I've heard in awhile and maybe that means something more than what I thought it did.

I just wanna get away....

Thanks for all the support, you know who you are, and I can't thank you enough for loving me anyways and not thinking differently of me despite all my flaws.

...........

2009-03-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

My mind has been so scrambled the past couple weeks. I've been tryin to sit down and write, but nothing comes out except anger, frustration, and guilt. My computer has also been fucked up as well.

Monday, March 16, 2009

I was having a really good day. Work was better than usual, and when I got off I wanted to enjoy the beautiful weather. I walked to Homers and bought Brother Ali's, "The Truth is Here," and Atmosphere's, "God Loves Ugly." I saw a Common poster on the wall and asked if it was for sale and the guy told me he had an extra one and that I could just have it for free. I was so stoked. I walked home, ready to blast those cd's and put my poster up when Jake called me.

He told me they found a body about a mile away fro Jeff's car. I didn't know what to say or what to do so I told him to call me if he finds anything else out, and I hung up the phone. I started to cry and called my mom A part of me didn't want to believe it was him, but I knew it had to be.

Shortly after, I got off the phone with my mom and called Jake back and told him I was headed over to Keith's. I didn't want to be alone.

I got in my car and cried the whole way there. Andrea called and filled me in on some more information. I could tell she had been crying too. I kept saying, "What if it's not him, maybe there's a chance," and she would say, "I doubt it though Kramer, you knw it is, it's gotta be."

I stopped over at Keith's and the door was locked so I walked over to Andrea's and watched the news with her. Sissy came in and told us the body couldn't be identified yet but he was a 20yr old male wearing a tye-dye shirt and khaki pants. We all just knew. My heart sank and I got a huge pit in my stomach. I didn't know what to do and I just kept saying, "Oh my God..."

I called Jake again and he said they were all eating at Romeo's. I wasn't even hungry but I went and ate anyways. I just wanted to be around everyone. I knew if I was alone I'd loose it.

The rest of the night we all went back to Keith's and tried to have a couple drinks. I didn't feel like doing or saying anything. We were all kind of dumbfounded and didn't know how to act.

I went home really late and knew I wasn't going to sleep. I just lay there in my bed picturing him in a feild somewhere, thinking of all the memories I had, the summer nights at Kurt's, the first time I met him, seeing him everyday, and all the things I should have done or should have said. I fell asleep around 3am and had a crazy dream.

I was at a party and it was the summer time. I was walking around this house and there were people everywhere, people upstairs, downstairs, on the stairs, and outside cooking out hamburgers and hot dogs. I walked inside and headed downstairs to the basement. I'm not sure what I was doing down there, but as I walked upstairs I saw Jeff in the corner. There was a light shining over him from the sun and he was smiling. I looked back behind me to see if anyone was following me up the stairs. I opened my mouth, about to say something to someone downstairs when I looked back up and he was gone. I ran upstairs and started telling people I saw him. I ran into the living room full of a crowd of people and saw him again dancing i the corner. He was flaling his arms about and bobbin his had up and down the way he always did. I turned around again, looking around the room to see if anyone else saw him, saying, "Its Jeff! He's right there! Can't you guys see him?" No one said anything and looked at me like I was crazy. I turned back around and he was gone. I ran outside, sunshine blasting on my face and saw Kurt standing in a circle around a bunch of people I didn't recognize. I ran up to him puting my hands around his arm and saying, "I saw him! I saw Jeff! He's alive, I saw him!" He didn't say anything at first giving me a crazy look. He told me I was crazy and imagining things. I got pissed and walked away. standing right in front of me as I looked up from the ground was Jeff with his back to me, with his brown shaggy hair. I reached out slowly and touched him, felt y hand resting on his shoulder. He slowly turned around, my heart was racing. I saw his big smile as my alarm went off and I was awake.

It felt so real, like I had actually touched him. I lay in bed wanting so badly to go back to sleep. My eyes started to tear up as I forced myself to get out of bed.

The rest of the week was hard. I tried to stay at Keith's and around everyone as much as possible. If I was alone, I couldn't handle it.

When Thursday came, I went to his wake and it all started to sink in. Here was one the greatest people I'd ever met in my entire life, and he was gone. I was never going to see him again, never get to hug him, laugh with him, or just plain sit there and do absolutely nothing. Seeing all of his pictures, his videos, his art work, and all the shows he went to, my heart just broke.

The funeral on Friday was the hardest thing for me, as it was for everyone. It was a really nice funeral full of a lot of colors and all of the beautiful people who's lives he touched. I saw so many people I hadn't seen in a long time, people I didn't even know knew him.

I watched him be buried in the ground.

I spread dirt over his grave.

I still can't make it real in my head. I don't know what to feel except lost.

I have so many unanswered questions, so many things I wish I would've done or said. I feel like a shitty friend. I feel like shit for staying away from everyone for my own selfish reasons.

How could this happen? How does God take all of the good people of this world and leave the shitty ones here to rot and take up space? I don't understand it.

Jeff,

I remember the first time I met you, sitting next to you in Photojournalism class in high school. You were going through some tough shit at the time and I didn't know what to do or tell you. You always had a smile on your face and could make me laugh everyday. I had a pretty big crush on you back in the day. I wish I would've told you. You have taught me so much about life, love and friendship. You have inspired me to live my life to the fullest, to never take anything or anyone for granted, and to just be free. I miss you presence everyday. I will love you forever and always hold a spot for you in my hear.

I've started on this collage from one of the gap posters I had in my room. I'm painting over it and painting a tree on it and filling it with pictures of all of my friends and family. If anyone has any pictures (old or new) let me know, I'll take them! I'm really excited for this, it's just going to take me awhile to get it perfect.

Thanks for reading, and thank you to all the people who have been there for me through this,

I love you all.

Peace and love

In the Zone.....!

2009-02-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

For the past week I've been in straight writing mode. Most of the time I get a good 2 or 3 hours in the morning at work before it gets busy to just write whatever. Sometimes its random stuff that's on my mind, or other times its strictly about my experiences at work. I also found some old stories (some true, and some I just made up) I wrote and decided to put them on here as well. I also changed names.....in some of them.

Enjoy =]

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She was 6 years old when they moved into that 3 story level suburban house. Dad wanted to move out west and mom thought it'd be for the best. Nothin but open land and peace and quiet, dirt roads with barely any houses yet. And when she turned 9 she had some friends to play with, ride their bikes all day in the summer time, meet up in that circle to play kickball and unwind. Catholic school girl from the beginning. Started noticin boys but they didn't pay her any mind. Brace face girl with the glasses to match it, sickly skinny with the insecurity to attach it.

........not finished......

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When I walked in through the apartment he wasn't there. He was the first person I'd look for upon entering a room, but I tried to not make it seem like I was.
"Jake's getting alcohol," Josh said looking towards me sitting on the couch. It was almost as if he knew I was looking for him.
"Oh," I said trying to act like I really didn't care. I was expected to go to a halloween party and I was wearing a cop uniform. It cut off like a belly shirt, almost like a tube top, and it had a really tiny black mini skirt to go with it. I looked like a complete slut, and I knew if I unbuttoned my jacket everyone would be in shock at the tag "Officer Naughty" on the right side of my shirt.
The door opened and in walked Jake with a case of bud-select. He didn't say hi or even so much as look at me. He grabbed a beer and clanked it together with Josh's saying, "Back to old times." I knew exactly what that meant and I thought I was going to be sick.
Thoughts of the night before came rushing through my head. The smell of his skin, and the beating of my heart pounding as I blatantly stated that I wanted to fuck him. It was blurry but I couldn't tell if I knew what I was doing or not. He was so attractive to me right then in that moment that something inside me just snapped.
I began to feel disgusted with myself, begging for him to not make me regret it as if he could somehow read my mind. I was still hung over, standing there wanting to crush him into a million tiny pieces. I knew from the very beginning that he was just a hard dick wanting to fuck anything that came his way.
How could I be so stupid? How did I just let that happen without letting myself think first? What was I turning into? He didn't like me and I knew that from the start, but I let myself believe that, like I would somehow have an excuse for my actions later.
The rest of the night he barely talked to me, or so much as glanced my way. He even had the balls to call up a bunch of chiks to come over. I wanted to cry and scream and throw things at him. The worst part of it all was I couldn't tell anyone. No one would look at me the same. It was Jake, the biggest man whore, the dirtiest guy ever, and I had had sex with him. I knew I didn't trust anyone enough anymore and I was ashamed of myself.

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As I was walking to my car from Joey's apartment I saw a guy come out from the building across, stumbling. His shirt was ripped open, brushing against a car he encountered with. He looked about my age, walking towards me, his head straight down to the ground. I got up the nerve to talk to him, thinking maybe he was going to try to drive home and I could stop him.
"Are you ok?" I asked, hesitantly.
"What?" he looked around, "Huh, yeah."
Fuck no you're not, I said to myself. He then explained what he came outside for; to first go to his car, and only after I told him that wasn't a good idea, he second, is going to lay in the grass. Man, this guy is a trip, I thought to myself. Here he was, dunk as fuck, trying to hide it. He said he wanted to lay in the grass because it's comfortable, looking at me crazy, like everyone does that shit or something.
Someone from behind yelled, "What are you doing? Your cars not even up there!"
I looked over my shoulder, placing my hip in an awkward position half in, and half out of my car. He had on your typical hollister attire, white t-shirt with ripped jeans, beige belt, and the bleach blond hair included.
"Who are you talking to?" hollister boy asked. He started to walk closer as I said,
"Hey, I just asked him if he was ok."
Then he did what every guy does when they meet an attractive girl. First there was the talk of all the alcohol they had,
"We got some whiskey, and rum....and some beer."
Next came the, "What are you doing tonight? You should come party." Ha! They were inviting me to a party. This made me feel really good at this point, but I still couldn't do it. They got mad because I said I had to work, and he said I was "ditching them." Who says that shit? Like we know each other or something...?
They kept giving me shit, saying, "She prolly just thinks were gunna rape her or something." I played along with their little game saying, "Oh no, not at all."
When it came down to it I said I'd come check it out and see whats up. Then he got uppity and said, "Oh well it's just me and him." He got nervous, felt like he had to impress me by saying he usually had parties all the time.
God, hollister boy sucks.
After a good 30 seconds of silence I declared I was going home. I was about to shut the door as he yelled for me again.
"Hey wait, whats your name?" hollister boy asked.
"It's Kate," I said blatantly, with a smile. They repeated my name to themselves and turned around.
"Hey wait, what's your guys names?" I asked quickly.
Hollister boy turned around quick,
"Blake."
Blake. What a shitty name for a face like that. He looked more like a Nick or Matt.
"Nick," said the drunk guy.
Oh, there's the Nick. Those names seemed opposite of each other.
"Oh, well....peace!" I said closing the door behind me. As I turned left out of the complex I could feel them watching me one last time. I realized I'd prolly never seem them again, so what the hell? I shrugged my shoulders, turned up the radio, and gave myself a grin.

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It's weird hanging out with old people you used to know. Matt Carney. I went to a party he was going to. Riley Sinclair. That's whose party it was. Crazy. Fuckin weird.
Carrie Sholin was there. I heard about how much of a slut she was, but I never really saw it to know for sure. She was all over this guy from the moment I walked in. She had on a tank, almost looking like a bra, and her jeans unbuttoned, showing her black thong.
I told her I'd met her before.
"At Drew's a long time ago," I said with a laugh.
"I don't remember your name, " she said in a drunken slur.
I began to explain who I dated for awhile and she instantly knew who I was. Hah! Yeah right...She was so drunk, I think she just went along with it. She started falling all over the place on this guy.
I felt bad for her, and I wanted to give her a chance, so I started talking to her. She told me some crazy story about how she got kicked out of a KMK concert. Again, I felt bad.
I tried to tell myself that maybe she was just misunderstood, like there's some reason why she acts the way she does and always wants some dick at all times.

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The radio woke me up, like it usually does on a typical Wednesday. It was that Pink song again. Every time I hear it, it reminds me of Teresa and Bryce, and it makes me feel a little sad. It was 8:46am. I rolled over to check before I got out of bed.
I'm so tired, I thought. "You gotta get up," one half of my brain would say. "Oh but I'm so tired, I was up too late," the other half would say. And I'd toss and turn, hearing these voices argue in my head. Eventually they would reach a compromise and say, "Ok, maybe I'll just sleep in till like oh....9:30, and not take a shower when I wake up."
It was a plan. 9:30 my mom comes in my room. I only say it's 9:30 because this is what my mom says after so rudely waking me up to tell me this, when its probably only 9:25, or a couple minutes ahead. She doesn't realize how valuable those few minutes are....ever.
"Yes," I said, after the second time she said my name. Of course I know what time it is. I woke up earlier, and reset it to sleep in longer. Here she was thinking how overpowering she was by asking if I knew what time it was, typical. This was typical mom behavior.
My mom wasn't always so paranoid. She was cautious as a mom should be, but I've never seen it like this. She's constantly this person who reminds me of everything you could imagine. There's the "Did you remember this...." "I just wanted to make sure...." and, "Don't forget this..." statements I hear everyday.
9:30, my radio is blasting and I am shaken awake by the loud noise. I had went to bed hot, and suddenly I was freezing, and my covers felt so warm. I was just in that one spot I'd been sleeping in. I had found this to be my normal spot in the middle of my queen mattress. I even formed my own little crack where my feathered mattress cover split apart slowly over time. I liked that crack, I was free to stretch my legs over both sides and open my arms wide.
"This time you really have to get up, it's 9:30," my inner voice would say. And still they would argue, like my other half wanted to overcome so badly.
"I don't even want to go, maybe I can skip, it's ok to skip sometimes, right?" it said.
"No," the other voice would strike back.
"You can't, it's only the second day."

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Sometimes I feel as though my head might explode at the next thing that reminds me of the past. Some days are better than others, some days nothing can bring me down and I feel like I'm on top of the world, but all it takes is one thing, one picture, one song, one memory, and it doesn't hurt right away, but it builds up. It's a million little things put together and when it reaches its max I feel like I can't breathe. It feels like I can't escape it. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be associated with my past, the things that happened with the people I don't even know anymore....

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Another 30 minutes to go and I'm still thinking about the most random things ever. I always do in church for some reason. It's like I'd rather over analize my life and bring back old, wounded memories than listen to Fr. Frank try to tell me what "God wants us to do."
When I look around every few minutes or so I see the same people, just like me, not knowing why they're really here, just here to prove they still believe in something. There's a lady a row across from me, to the left, half sleeping. She had dark brown hair and glasses, the ones with the small frames. Her head would fall up and down, up and down. And there she goes, head down, asleep. I would fall asleep too if I didn't find it rude, and this is, if my parents didn't yell at me for it.
Then I would turn to my right and see the usual old people fully into it, trying to listen as well as their ears would let them. I guess I found that when you get older you have a need to be closer to God, because you're scared of death or something? There was a small older woman with white hair, and a hunched over back holding her husbands hand throughout the whole mass. It was so cute, but at the same time it was as if they thought they'd suddenly keel over right there and wanted to go to heaven together.
"May God Bless you," Fr. Frank ended with, realizing I hadn't heard a word he said.

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It had always been my house, the street I lived on, and the place I grew up in. They would say it was once a zoo full of children my age, running around in a summer full of freedom, laughing and screaming as the water hose got us. And as I got older they would say it was nothing but a party house where people came and went as they pleased, leaving jokes behind.
It was never a home, just a place to sleep and eat as I saw fit. They always say home is where the heart is, and my heart was all over the place. It was tossed and passed along through the years to mindless immatures males, doing with it as they pleased. If home was where the heart was, I've got a lot of homes I've only rented.

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Still trying to write more often, just get writers block a lot sometimes.
Thanks for reading.

<3

This feelin in me.....

2009-02-21T15:02:00.000-08:00

I've been in a really weird state of mind the past couple weeks. My life has become so repetitive.

Work in the morning.
Come home.
See the roomates for maybe an hour or so,
and then
I
am
alone.

I used to enjoy this a lot when I was at my parents house, but now it's becoming depressing. I dont know if its the weather, or my attitude, but I haven't felt like doing anything. In fact, I haven't been feeling much of anything except alone. Sometimes I feel like I might scream , or cry, or just go crazy. It gets so intense that I reach out to people and things and vises that are never good for me. I can't stand it. I just want love. I want it like I had before, I want it so bad. It makes everything else seem bearable.

Then the weekend comes and I'm so excited it's here that all I want to do is get drunk. Let me tell you something....I'm tired of getting drunk. I'm tired of the bar scene, and I'm tired of the random parties filled with people I've never seen before in my life.
For the most part, I've tried to stay pretty positive about everything I do and my outlook on life in general, but lately....it's become harder.
The real world has hit me like a ton of bricks, and I didn't even see it coming. Everyday is a struggle.

This is your life,
you go to a job you hate just so you can pay the bills,
so you can put food in your stomache and gas in your car,
This is your life,
you go to sleep alone,
and you wake up alone.
This is your life,
and its happening right now.

Everyday that goes by, I want to leave more and more. I need a fresh start. I need something new.

I can't stand it when I go to hang out with old friends and the same shit happens. Somehow it always ends back to the same thing....the past. I sit there and listen to them talk to shit about the same person everyones been talkin shit about for years, but they don't do anything about it, and always seem to continue to associate themselves with him. Then there's always the drunk guy that spits out anything and everything and relates it back to me, brings me up like this shit happened yesterday. It's so annoying.

It used to bother me really bad and I stayed away from it and it didn't phase me, but for some reason it always come back to the same shit...
every
time.

I want to be ok again.

.......

2009-02-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

How do you show someone you care when they don't want you to care?

....when all they do is push you away....

(thinking out loud)

I'm totally lost....

.......again.

Say What?

2009-02-16T20:19:00.001-08:00

TED: MIT Students Turn Internet Into a Sixth Human Sense

LONG BEACH, California -- Students at the MIT Media Lab have developed a wearable computing system that turns any surface into an interactive display screen. The wearer can summon virtual gadgets and internet data at will, then dispel them like smoke when they're done.

Pattie Maes of the lab's Fluid Interfaces group said the research is aimed at creating a new digital "sixth sense" for humans.

In the tactile world, we use our five senses to take in information about our environment and respond to it, Maes explained. But a lot of the information that helps us understand and respond to the world doesn't come from these senses. Instead, it comes from computers and the internet. Maes' goal is to harness computers to feed us information in an organic fashion, like our existing senses.

The prototype was built from an ordinary webcam and a battery-powered 3M projector, with an attached mirror -- all connected to an internet-enabled mobile phone. The setup, which costs less than $350, allows the user to project information from the phone onto any surface -- walls, the body of another person or even your hand.

Maes showed a video of her student Pranav Mistry who she describes as the brains behind the project. Mistry wore the device on a lanyard around his neck, and colored Magic Marker caps on four fingers (red, blue, green and yellow) helped the camera distinguish the four fingers and recognize his hand gestures with software that Mistry created.

The gestures can be as simple as using his fingers and thumbs to create a picture frame that tells the camera to snap a photo, which is saved to his mobile phone. When he gets back to an office, he projects the images onto a wall and begins to size them.

When he encounters someone at a party, the system projects a cloud of words on the person's body to provide more information about him -- his blog URL, the name of his company, his likes and interests. "This is a more controversial [feature]," Maes said over the audience's laughter.

In another frame, Mistry picks up a boarding pass while he's sitting in a car. He projects the current status of his flight and gate number he's retrieved from the flight-status page of the airline onto the card.

"If you need to know what time it is, it's as simple as drawing a watch on your arm," Maes said, while Mistry used his right finger to draw a circle on his left wrist. The face of a watch popped up on his hand, which the audience liked.

When Mistry folds his hands in "namaste" fashion, the system opens a menu to allow him to choose an application. If he wants to read e-mail on his phone, he draws an @ symbol in the air with his finger. He can project a phone pad onto his palm and dial a number without removing the phone from his pocket. As he reads the newspaper on the subway he can project a video onto the page that provides more information about the topic he's reading.

Maes and Mistry told Wired they've been working on the project for four months, day and night, and have filed a patent for it.

Maes' MIT group, which includes seven graduate students, were thinking about how a person could be more integrated into the world around them and access information without having to do something like take out a phone. They initially produced a wristband that would read an RFID tag to know, for example, which book a user is holding in a store.

They also had a ring that used infrared to communicate by beacon to supermarket smart shelves to give you information about products. As you grab a package of macaroni, the ring would glow red or green to tell you if the product was organic or free of peanut traces -- whatever criteria you program into the system.

"We wanted to make information more useful to people in real time with minimal effort in a way that doesn't require any behavior changes," Maes said. "The wristband was getting close, but you still had to take out your cell phone to look at the information."

That's when they struck on the idea of accessing information from the internet and projecting it. So someone wearing the wristband could pick up a paperback in the bookstore and immediately call up reviews about the book, projecting them onto a surface in the store or doing a keyword search through the book by accessing digitized pages on Amazon or Google books.

They started with a larger projector that was mounted on a helmet. But that proved cumbersome if someone was projecting data onto a wall then turned to speak to friend -- the data would project on the friend's face. Last month, they switched to a smaller projector and created the pendant prototype to be worn around the neck.

The TED demo was the first time they've shown it in public, though they're far from making a commercial product or forming a company around their invention. "But we're really excited about the potential," Maes said.

They learned recently that cellphone makers soon plan to release cellphones with projectors integrated in them, which will simplify their system even more.

(taken from blog.wired.com)

Need some help.....

2009-02-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

I'm applying for this scholarship I found on fastweb. It's for an organization called "World Bank International." You have to answer the following questions and write a 10pg paper:

1. How does climate change affect you, your country, town or local community? How do you think it will affect you in the future? Think about the consequences for employment, health, security and other areas of your life.

2. What can you do, working together with your peers, to address the problem of climate change in your country, town or local community? Think specifically about the role of youth-led initiatives in the ‘green economy’.

This is the first one I came across that I thought would be really cool to write about and research. Thus far I have only done research and have a basis for an idea of what I want to write about. This is such a broad subject it's hard to narrow it down. I was thinking of giving a little backround internationally, and bring down to the U.S. and then Nebraska, and then take it locally (focusing more on this). I don't want this to be an entirally factual essay. I don't know if anyone has ever read the book 'Ishmael' but I want to somehow tye this into it and ask more of a question of "how things came to be" and focus more on the social and physical aspects.

If anyone has any ideas for me or suggestions pleeeeeeease let me know! I need all the help I can get! I can also submit a photo or a video with it as well.

Don't be surprised if I ask you to pertake in a survery!

This is due Feb 22nd and is all I will be working on for the next couple weeks. There is a 1st prize ($3000), 2nd prize ($2000) and 3rd prize ($1000)PLUS A TRIP TO KOREA!!

Thanks!
peace and love

Film Streams

2009-02-02T22:27:00.001-08:00

The first Monday of every month, they show a FREE MOVIE!! (you gotta have a student ID to get in though)
My roommates and I decided to check it out and tonight they showed:

A++++

Everyone should check this out!

Booked

2009-02-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

Friday, March 6, 2009
United Airlines # 578

Omaha Eppley Airfield (OMA) to Chicago O'Hare International (ORD)
Departure (OMA): March 6, 10:55 AM CST (morning)
Arrival (ORD): March 6, 12:30 PM CST (afternoon)

Sunday, March 8, 2009
United Airlines # 6163

Chicago O'Hare International (ORD) to Omaha Eppley Airfield (OMA)
Departure (ORD): March 8, 12:56 PM CDT (afternoon)
Arrival (OMA): March 8, 2:30 PM CDT (afternoon)

Got my letter of recommendations in, and my application in as well.

This is my face:

=]

I am in need of a vacation realllllllllly bad.

Things are starting to look up, just gotta keep focusing on the positive and everything that's to come.

Coincidence?

2009-01-28T22:09:00.000-08:00

No where else to go?

2009-01-28T12:16:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- It was described as one of the most grisly scenes Los Angeles police had ever encountered: the bodies of five small children and their parents, all shot to death, in two upstairs rooms of the family's home.

"The reaction on their faces was not a pretty sight," neighbor Jasmine Gomez told CNN. "There was an officer who came out of the house throwing up."

But even more incomprehensible to some was the story that emerged after the bodies were found Tuesday: A father who, after he and his wife were fired from their jobs, killed all six family members before turning the gun on himself.

In a letter faxed to Los Angeles television station KABC before his suicide, Ervin Antonio Lupoe blamed his former employer for the deaths, detailing his grievance against Kaiser Permanente's West Los Angeles Medical Center, where he and his wife Ana had worked as technicians.

Lupoe claimed the couple was being investigated for "misrepresentation of our employment to an outside agency for the benefit to ourselves's [sic], childcare." He said the initial interview was held on December 19, and when he reported for work on December 23, "I was told by my administrator ... that 'You should not even have bothered to come to work today. You should have blown your brains out.'"

"Oh lord, my God," the letter concludes. "Is there no hope for a widow's son?"

Kaiser Permanente said in a statement Tuesday night that while the company is "saddened by the despair in Mr. Lupoe's letter faxed to the media ... we are confident that no one told him to take his own life or the lives of his family."

The Lupoes' employment was terminated over a week ago "after an internal investigation," the company said.

"While we may never fully understand why today's senseless deaths occurred, everyone who worked with the Lupoes is shocked and terribly saddened by the tragedy," said the statement. "It never should have happened."

Lupoe wrote in the fax, "after a horrendous ordeal my wife felt it better to end our lives and why leave our children in someone else's hands ... we have no job and 5 children under 8 years with no place to go. So here we are."

Among those struggling to comprehend the news was Lupoe's 83-year-old grandmother, Josephine Lupoe of Atlanta, Georgia. She sobbed as she told CNN, "I just can't believe it."

She said Lupoe was born in Atlanta, but moved to Detroit, Michigan, with his parents as a child before moving to California. She recalled visiting the family when they lived in San Jose, California, "but that was years ago," she said. "I hadn't been to visit them since he got married and moved."

She said she last heard from him when he called her to say they were having a second set of twins.

"Every time I called, he was at work," Josephine Lupoe said. "He worked a lot, and even when I talked with him, he would be at work." But she said she had no indication of problems within the family.

She said she had spoken with Lupoe's mother a couple of days ago, and they discussed his sending pictures of the boys. "And then I hear this," she said tearfully.

Lupoe's mother was on the way to California on Wednesday, she said, but Josephine Lupoe said she is unable to travel.

Authorities said Lupoe and the three girls, identified by the Los Angeles Times as 8-year-old Brittney and twin 5-year-olds Jaszmin and Jasseley, were found in one upstairs room. Ana Lupoe and the boys -- twin 2-year-olds Benjamin and Christian, according to the newspaper -- were in another.

Police believe Lupoe also called 911, about the same time KABC was notifying police they had been contacted by a person who was threatening suicide. In the 911 call, police said, Lupoe reported returning home and finding his family dead.

Lupoe's co-workers told the Times they remembered the Lupoes as cheerful, good workers and caring parents.

Ana Lupoe was "always talking about the kids," said co-worker Hamlet Narvaez.

On Ervin Lupoe's Facebook page, which displays pictures of the family, he describes himself as a graduate of the University of Southern California.

Cherise Pounders-Caver, principal of the children's school, Crescent Heights Elementary, said Lupoe showed up to check the three older children out of school about two weeks ago and told her the family was moving to Kansas, the Times reported.

The deaths sent shock waves across the city and beyond.

"No matter how desperate you are, no matter how frustrated you are, to think this was the only answer -- to take your whole family with you in death -- is just too much to understand," said City Councilwoman Janice Hahn, who represents the city's Wilmington neighborhood where the slayings took place.

"It's sad that this happens anywhere, you know?" neighbor Jose Rodriguez told KABC. "You see it on the news but you never really become accustomed to it.

"I have kids, too, and grandkids," he said. "It hits home."

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This is so sad. To think that they felt they had to result to this....
I pray that no one ever feels like this, like this is the only way out and the only solution.

Delayed

2009-01-24T14:44:00.001-08:00

I havent written in here for awhile, it makes me feel kinda weird....
My computer is fucked, there's too much memory on it and it runs really slow so I haven't had the time to give updates.

I rented this movie the other day:

Really fuckin good..check it out. Deffinetley portrays a lot of underlining issues that go on day to day in our society. How they shot this was incredible.

One of my good friends recomended this site.....stumbleupon.com....and I've been finding a lot of cool shit thats blowin my mind.

I'll have to have a more elaborate update sometime later...

paz y amor

Questions

2009-01-11T02:17:00.000-08:00

What is my purpose?

What is your purpose?

How is it possible that someone I barely know can read me so precisely?

Why am I still awake?

When will I find love again?

Why does money exist in the first place?

Why did America let this happen?

Why didnt we love our neighbors?

Why arent people more honest?

Why do my roomates talk so much shit about their "friends"?

Why is it hard for you to pick up after yourself?

When are you gunna grow up?

How do you really feel when you get high?

Why do I feel like I'm so much older than I really am?

Why am I still here?

Why are you...of all people...still here?

Why do I still believe in fate?

What is the reason for everyting thats happened thus far?

Where is the music I long for?

Has it always been in the music?

Why cant I find the nice guy?

Carpe Diem

Streamin

2009-01-04T15:51:00.000-08:00

Finally got pictures on my flickr. Check it out!

Bought these books the other day:

Realllllllly stoked to read all these classics.

Relations or Relationships?

2008-12-17T11:41:00.000-08:00

Why is that when you tell a guy one thing he hears a totally different thing from what actually came out of your mouth? It's as if he interprets it in a completely foreign way that's mind boggling because you can't understand what part of his brain spit that out and was left right in front of you to deal with.

I mentioned to my friend the other day that it annoys me when he makes plans with me, but doesn't call or only wants to hang out on his terms. His immediate response was, "Kramer maybe we should just go back to being friends. It's cool what were doin and I like hangin out with you, but this is becoming too dramatic for me. You're already tellin me what I'm doing wrong and shit."

Do guys ever really listen to anything you say? Does it just go in one ear and out the other, jumping to their own conclusions?

In the beginning we had both agreed on the situation. We didn't want to be in a relationships or date each other. We only wanted to mess around and have fun while he was in town for the holidays. The feeling was mutual (or so I thought), and we agreed to only mess around just with each other.

Does friends with benefits ever really work?

As some of you reading this may know me, you know my past experiences with this kind of relationship. In each one they have never worked out. One person always ends up having feelings and they aren't returned, or aren't as strong as the others. Someone always ends up getting hurt.
The problem with this relationship is the confusion between sex and love. Women tend to confuse the two thinking sex and physical attraction is love, when a man just thinks sex is sex. Women tend to focus more on the "friends" and emotional attachments and men focus more on the "benefits" and it is easily for them to separate the two.
In my situation, it was different. There's no way I wanted to be in a relationship, I just wanted someone there to comfort my loneliness (and knowing he lives in a different state only further helped my decision). I have known him for years and I could see myself dating him, but don't really want to.
Upon hearing that statement come from him it suddenly hit me why relationships are so contradicting for me. Every guy I've ever been with was afraid to commit to me, or open up to me and let me in. This resulted in cheating, and break ups on their end looking for ways to turn around and run as far away as possible.
For a long time I thought this was my fault. I thought there must have been something that I did wrong for all of these guys to treat me unfairly and leave me. I would sit here and beat myself up over it, racking my brain trying to come up with some reason or explanation as to why it was so hard for them to love me, but easy for them to move on to the next girl and treat her like something that fell out of the sky.

Do we ever really want the 'good guy' or the 'good girl'?

I've been having a lot of conversations about this with Rasha and the regulars at the bar on Saturday nights. Rasha & I, (as well as the rest of the female population) have the same problem....always chasing after the bad guys, looking for the good in them and thinking we can change them into this made up dream guy we've been searching for all along. From past experiences we both know this doesn't work. It only causes a lot of heart ache and pain for us.
When we actually find the "good guy/good girl" who's treated us better than any other guy/girl before we find some way to fuck it up. Subconsciously, we want to be treated like shit because a. it's all we've ever known, or b. we don't think we deserve better. So we tend to go through the same cycle, and date the same type of guys/girls because at first they excite us, they become a challenge for us, and we feel like they are exactly what we want. But if they arent actually what we want and we don't want the good guy/good girl, what do we want?

So where does it all end? Do we choose to settle, choose to keep looking, or choose to stay on the same destructive and hurtful path to no where?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

4 days till I move out & 9 days till my bday
(expect some partyin comin your way)

If you took the time to read this pleeeeease give me some feedback and tell me what your opinions are, I'd really appreciate it.

Cali buds & Art studs

2008-12-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

Thursday:

Friday:

Saturday:

This art struck me most:

"It could be my imagination but it feels just like dope this feeling inside like dreaming out loud or your best friends face at midnight distorted by the firelight or water rushing in your room from beneath the door It may only be hallucination but it feels like truth this feeling of mine just like your brand new guitar crashing to the floor or your neighbors muffled voices in an empty room or your sleeping dog standing up to lock the door"
Check out John Miller here

Sunday:

Nothin but relaxin and watchin movies (Perfume, Hancock, and Baby Mama).
All equally good movies, but Baby Mama wasn't as funny as I thought it'd be.

17 days till my birthday
-------------------------------------------------------

karma's gunna hit you so hard you wont even see it comin....

forget you.

The Bride

2008-12-01T17:11:00.000-08:00

I've been brainstorming this idea for a little while now, and still not really 100% sure what I want to portray. On Saturday I randomly decided to just use my surroundings and see what comes out.

Last year I had taken a Women's Literature class and a Short Stories class both taught by the same teacher. She really challenged me and opened my mind to question not just stereotypes and sexism, but society in general.
Stories like:
The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman,
Rape Fantasies by Margaret Atwood,
The Awakening by Kate Chopin,
Hills Like White Elephants by Ernest Hemingway,
A Room of Ones Own by Virginia Woolf,
and
In Search of Our Mothers Gardens by Alice Walker,
and Poems like:
the mother by Gwendolyn Brooks
Bleeding by May Swenson,
and
Girl by Jamaica Kincaid

and many more....

These stories and poems tell of women desperate for their own lives, wanting to break free from their expectations, wanting to leave, sometimes doing so, and sometimes being too scared. With this sequence of photos I want to show that. I want to show the ideal stereotypical house wife and what it feels like for her to not be independent, to rely on her husband, and to become something not herself after years and years of this.
I tried on my mom's wedding dress and thought it was perfect. I've already gotten some comments saying, "These are creepy, and scary." They are meant to be. I want to experiment
around with self portraits and do a lot more. Some of them you may think to be personal and
relate to me, but the majority of them don't have anything to do with me all at. It's simply how I view it and want to show others what I think.

This is Cindy Sherman, a self portrait artist who uses masks, make up, wigs, prosthetics,and costumes to disguise herself.
"I like making images that from a distance seem kind of seductive, colorful, luscious and engaging, and then you realize what you’re looking at is something totally opposite. It seems boring to me to pursue the typical idea of beauty, because that is the easiest and the most obvious way to see the world. It’s more challenging to look at the other side."

Pretty crazy shit!

Turkey

2008-11-27T18:52:00.000-08:00

Today was probably one of the greatest days.

Sleepin in.
Layin in bed watchin Fresh Prince.
Bomb food.
Movies.
and Family.

Tomorrow:

BLACK FRIDAY.

The madness is coming....

6:30am

Connections

2008-11-23T19:05:00.000-08:00

Though some may be great, and some may be small, we fail to realize what or who they are until they're right in front of us, staring us in the face.

I'm a strong believer in fate, and words like "meant to be," and "everything happens for a reason," but the same question always arises, "How do you know?" It can be a haunting thing that we think about constantly if we allow ourselves to worry and think about it too much. And even though we may never know the answer, we can't help but wonder. That connection we thought was once gone forever comes back to us and we are completeley in awe.

My heart actually jumped, my stomach filled with butterflies, and I couldn't believe who was right in front of me. I was standing in the entry way of a random house party I got invited to. There were people all around me, some I recognized, and some I had never seen before in my life. With a beer in one hand, and my purse in the other I took a second to absorb everything in and observe my surroundings. I turned to my right looking into the kitchen and I saw someone that looked familiar. For a second I thought I was going crazy.....literally. Half drunk and half baked out of my mind and I thought I was seeing things. I took at least 3 double takes before I slowly started creeping forward to him. I had this look on my face that had confusion and "what the fuck" written all over it, not sure if I was about to make a fool of myself when I was finally standing next to him looking him dead in the eyes.
It was Thom. It was really him. He was supposed to be in Georgia going to school, and living the dream, but instead he was here right in front of me. I got this crazy feeling in my stomache, something I hadn't felt in a long time. My first response was of course, "What the fuck are you doing here?!" He said he was back home for break and that he just got in town an hour before. My mind was going crazy. For the first time in a long time I was completely in shock. My spirits were unbelievably lifted after that. Here he was, this guy I'd known since I was 15, one of my oldest friends at that, and I was so happy to see him. Even though there was a lot of people around we still got a chance to talk and smoke a bowl and catch up. He told me that he used to live here and that Sean now lives in his room upstairs in the attic. It all came together so quickly in my mind.
I woke up the next morning at 9:30 wide awake and couldn't go back to sleep. I was hungover and in a daze the whole day, but I was motivated to seize the day. I went home and cleaned my room, my car, the basement, and did a lot of laundry. I took the time to organize my cd's picking up Common's "Be" and puting the cd back in the case. When I opened it all I saw was "Cottage Grove." It was a street sign for the same street I was on the night before. Coincidence?
Afterwards I went to work out with my sister and when I got home I wasn't even tired. I took a shower and when I got done getting dressed I got a phone call.

Its crazy how fast time flys by and when you look back on it, it feels like yesterday....

I went to Aaron, Aaron, and Nate's show and Thom came with me. I had the best time ever and we didn't even really do anything the whole night. They didn't play till last (of course) and we got there early looking around at the art on the walls and ending up sitting on a couch talking while I was watching him draw various people we saw, using my notebook I carry around with me. He started to write something and when I asked what he said, "I'm writing to you, don't look!"
I felt as though time was on pause, and it didn't matter what did or didn't happen next.
They put on a good show with the little space and the little time they had to practice. Upon leaving I dropped Thom off at Sean's where him and some people went to the casino. I left feeling content and ended up at Collin's house where he was throwing a party. I ended up seeing a few people from highschool I hadn't seen in damn near 3yrs. I walked down the basement filled with writings all over the walls and I saw Ali's name in her handwriting. I was faced with yet another coincidental thing I randomly saw right in front of me.
I waited till I got home before I read what Thom wrote me. It was exactly what I needed and brought a smile to my face.
It's crazy how things pan out. Some people you never see again whereas others keep finding their way back into your life. I love it. Connections...sometimes right in front of your eyes, just gotta open them a little wider once in awhile and look the fuck around.

paz y amor

Whatever Happened to Dinosaurs

2008-11-17T20:17:00.000-08:00

Saturday, November 22
The Foundry
7pm
5 dolla

featuring...

Aaron Gloyne, Aaron Hansen, & Nate Soto.

DO IT TO IT

www.myspace.com/whateverhappenedtodinosaurs

The Holiday Season

2008-11-16T17:37:00.000-08:00

IT'S HERE!

It's that time of year again...
Time for demanding customers,
angry customers,
lines out the doors of the store,
hot and sweaty runnin around everywhere,
clothes thrown all over the place,
xmas lights,
trees,
SNOW,
warm nights by the fire,
cold,
HOT COCOA,
black friday,
and people spendin money all over the place.

This year could be different. I saw this video the other day. It's kind of depressing, but its pretty acurate. From my experience working in retail for the holiday season the past 5 yrs it has always been exciting and absolutely crazy all at the same time. I used to hate it so much and dread everything that comes along with it like standind at a register for hours doing the same thing over and over again, listening to people bitch and complain, but this is my 3rd year working at Gap for the holiday and I just love everything about it. I can't believe I'm sayin this but I really love my job there. lol It's like my 2nd family almost. This year is the last one in Omaha, the last time I'll see everyone home from college and it makes me sad, but I can't wait to see everyone. It's going to be awesome. Anyways...here's this video I saw that kinda brings a damper on the season, but with the way the economy is....damn.

-----------------------------------------------------

Dec 20
I will FINALLY get a chance to live out of my house for 6months with Dobel, Jade and Neil on 41st & Davenport. I'm so fuckin excited!

This past week I worked a total of 72hrs. That shit was rough. I have no idea how I did it, but I did. I almost broke down and wanted to cry, but I didn't. I have a feeling that this is gunna happen often because of the holidays and I hope I can get through it.

P.S.
I got a lot of new pics on the myspace. check it ouuuuuut!

Peace.

Upcoming Events

2008-11-11T15:01:00.000-08:00

Dec 4
The Imperial Nutcracker
The Rose Theater
$29 and up

Dec 12-14
STOMP
Orpheum Theater
$28 and up

Feb 28
DanceBrazil
Orpheum Theater
$19 and up

STOKED.

11-4-08

2008-11-05T15:23:00.000-08:00

Schedule for the day:
8am-4pm OMax.
4:15-4:30 Went into the Gap to pick up my "Vote for___" shirt.
4:30 Voted at Aldrich Middle School.
4:30-5:45 Ironed on letters for my t-shirt, sat around talked about politics with both my mom and dad.
6:00pm arrive at the bar for a crazy fuckin night.

First off, this song was stuck in my head ALLLL DAYYY and I kept singing it for everyone. (just the Obama part of course) =]

Naturally, I was asking everyone all day yesterday if they had voted and if they hadn't to encourage them to go out and do so. You would be surprised at all the feedback I got from everyone. The majority of the people that came into Office Max had voted already, strictly Republicans bashing Obama, (including a good 10 people I work with). I tried not to get involved too much, but apparently no one reminded me of the saying, "There are two things you don't talk about, politics and religion." Throughout the day I didn't say much only said a few statements here and there, but when the majority of the people you work with are strict Republicans you can't tell them shit.

When I got off work I went into the Gap to decorate my free "Vote for_____" shirt that was given to every employee. We had to wear it if we were working that day and I wasn't but I still wanted to wear it. They had iron on letters and a peace sign patch decorated in the American flag that I put on. After that I went to go vote for the first time EVER. I was really excited, and even though it wasn't all I thought it up to be in made me feel really good. It went by really quick and I afterwards I felt so relieved. My mom and I both voted for Obama, while my dad voted for Mccain. When I got home I spelled out Change, ironed it on my shirt and went to work.

When I walked into the bar I got nothin but stares and glares. Only 3 people mentioned anything about my shirt the whole night. Heather was the first saying, "Did you get in trouble for wearing that today?" No.... "Oh well I heard you get in trouble if you wear and Obama shirt to the polls." My shirt doesn't say anything about Obama, it says "Vote for Change" and I didn't wear it to the polls. She began to tell me a story about some girl she saw on the news that wore an Obama shirt in to vote and was kicked out until she changed her shirt. That just sounded ridiculous. What happened to freedom of speech? I understand its promoting Obama and that your'e not supposed to suid people either way, but...it's a fuckin shirt, and....isn't that the point?
The 2nd & 3rd people to say anything abotu my shirt was a couple I waited on when I first got there. The lady had asked me where I got it and said she saw it on Oprah. I explained to her that I work for the Gap and we got them for free and that she probably could've got one for free also since we didn't sell any of them and ended up passing them out to customers. She told me it was really cool and that of course ,"People listen to Oprah."
CNN and Fox News were both playing on all of our tv's the whole night. CNN was only on 2 out of the 15, 16 tv's we have. It was interesting to see the separation between people and how outrageously Republican that bar is. I went around asking people if they had voted and the majority took one look at my shirt and immediately hated on me saying, "You voted for Obama didn't you," "One day youll wake up and realize," "Obama hates America," and even a CLASSIC, "You're stupid," was thrown out there. I felt overwhelmed and didn't want to say too much. There were also a good handful of people I talked to that WEREN'T EVEN REGISTERED. The same people that come in there every Tuesday complaining about their jobs, the economy, their wages, and they're not even registered to vote? Get the fuck outta here and shut up! How can you sit there and complain when you dont even wanna have a say in it?? Ridiculoussss!

Once the polls were up for Nebraska I was amazed.
Mccain 57%
Obama 41%
The majority of those votes for Obama came from Douglas, Lancaster, Saline, and Thurston Countys ALONE! Thats fuckin crazy you guys! Even though Nebraska is still a red state, we really made a difference here. I am just so exstatic about this. The only thing that pisses me off is the Affirmative Action law. Apparently we still have some racist mother fuckers. (58% yes, 42% no) Ridiculous.
When you take a look at the National reports its outrageous.
56% Female.
49% Male.
66% Between the ages of 18-29.
Thats AMAZING!
We made history yesterday and it was all of us standing up for what we believe in and it feels sooooo fuckin good.

After Obama was announced President I was standing next to one of the regulars that comes into the bar all the time, Geoff. It happened to be his birthday and all of his friends (more regulars) were all gathered together. I was waiting on all of them the whole night, making sure I was on top of it and making sure they were takin care of at all times. I turned to Geoff and said, "See I told you, I told you it was gunna happen, It's all over." He turned to me and went off, angry saying, "No thats bull shit, Obama wants to get rid of small businesses, thats ME, Obama wants to fuck ME over." I wasn't sure what to say without making him even more mad and just said, "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say." Apparently he spit in the trash can and walked out. His friend cashed out a little later and gave her tab to Dawn saying, "Make sure you keep this, this is for you, don't give any to Kramer she made Geoff mad on his birthday." WHAT THE FUCK! I'm sorry for voicing my opinion, I'm sorry I was given the right TO SPEAK MY OPINION and you want to sit there and be drunk and ignorant and not tip me because of that? Fuck that. That's the pettiest thing I've ever come across and I was livid. I left not long after that I couldn't stand it anymore. Everyone started bickering, an old man walked out after saying all of us demorats and the youth were stupid, that we didnt know anything, that he served in WWII and blah blah blah. You don't know how much I wanted to tell him and everyone in that bar to fuck off. This country needs a change, America has spoken, get over your ignorance and your racism and help support Obama. I was so angry after I left there. I came home and had to sit and talk to my mom for a little bit before I could go to sleep.

Watching Obama's speech in Grant Park made me wanna cry. I was so overjoyed and wished I could have been there. You have no idea. Take a look at these pictures! They are really amazing and touched me in a way I can't describe. You can see more at www.chicagotribune.com

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD, MAKE A DIFFERENCE, AND LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD.

Digi

2008-10-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

Oh Yes.
It's here ladies and gents..FINALLY!

This was totally an impulse buy. As you all know, I've been meaning to get a digital for awhile now. At first, I wanted to wait and get a Canon450 D EOS BUUUUUUT....it's just a little too expensive right now. People keep asking me to take pictures for them and I've been limited to what I can do. I've been eyeing this camera for a couple weeks, (since I see it everyday at work) and yesterday Aaron asked me to take pictures for him and his band at practice and shows, and that just triggered it. I went to best buy and bought it for $176.99. (discounted online price, including $15 off) It was orignally $199.99 everywhere I looked. It has 10 megapixels, 5x zoom, high ISO sensitivity,smile & blink mode, video, and voice recording. BOMB! I also bought a 4GB SD card (only $20!) so this will get me almost 1,000 pictures. Oh yes...I felt that I needed this NOW. =]
I'm really excited about this, you guys have no idea!

Look out for 92497498985791491 pictures on the way!

Rearrange

2008-10-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little out of it lately. I'll try to write this so whoever reads this can understand it, or better understand me.
My whole mental capacity has been surrounded by nothing but negativity, straight anger, fear, and heart ache, my WHOLE LIFE. Ever since I can remember, I have always assumed the worst possible outcome in every situation. I have always been negative and walked around with a "fuck you" attitude. I have always put everyone else in front of me. I look through my journals and my writings full of everything I ever felt dating back to when I was in the 4th grade, and I am amazed at everything I wrote, and every emotion I felt. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I sit here and wonder why I was like that, why I fell into the same patterns over and over again, and why I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Being this way has caused a lot of people to turn away from me, whether they were my friends, or my lovers. It seems like I hurt the people I love the most and push them away.
Metaphorically speaking, I was on this path. This path lead to a sense of peace, closure, and happiness within myself. The kind of feeling most people don't experience until they're in their 30's, 40's or 50's. It's the kind of feeling like you're on top of the world and nothing can bring you down, like your whole perspective on life is focused on nothing but the good.
I had this feeling for about a month straight. I would wake up with a smile on my face, ready to embrace the day. When something went wrong I told myself everything was going to be ok, and saw the positive out of every situation. It was the best feeling in the world.
Somewhere along this path, I got distracted. I let my fantasies and my emotions and my crazy ideas of love get in the way. I thought that if I could just do everything at once before I left, I would have the ultimate hapiness. I could be the most successful person in the world, doing what I love to do, living the dream, but without love I'm not complete. I always feel like its something I need in my life RIGHT NOW, right this second, all the time, and it's not at all. I am better by myself.
For those of you who think all I want to do is say "fuck you" to Omaha, you're wrong. In the beginning this was the case. I was angry about everything here, and I just wanted to leave. I realized that I don't want to leave without making things right with my family, and my friends. I don't want to leave and regret not doing something or saying something. Who knows when I'll be back. Now all I want to do is enjoy the time I have here, and I don't want my feelings to get in the way of anything.

I need to stop thinking too much about the future.
I need to stop worrying.
I need to stop hoping for something that wasn't ever really there in the first place.
I need to stop fuckin up and get back on my path.
FO REALZ.

I know things won't always be like this. I know I won't always be negative, and I know someday I will achieve everything I want to. I know that one day I will prove everyone wrong about me.

Pray for me.

P.s. If you read this let me know. I wanna know who reads my shit!

Update of current events:

2008-10-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

Working this much is really starting to catch up with me. I feel really good waking up and going to a job everyday making money and knowing that I'm doing the right thing right now. At the same time, it's wearing me out (physically and mentally). A few days ago I developed what I thought was a blister on my foot. I thought it was just from my shoes, but it has gotten worse the past 2 days. I worked 8-4, then 6-930 both Thursday and Friday. It's really put a strain on my foot. I was limping both days. Since I've been doing that, its causing a strain on my muscle in my leg that I dont normally use. It hurts really bad. Since I am no longer on my parents insurance, I don't have ANY. Office Max offers some, I'm just waiting on the paper work to go through. Hopefully it is soon because if this keeps up....I could be in trouble with ALLLLL of my jobs.

Housing situation is coming along slowly. We looked at a house on Thursday and fell in love with it. Its only $700 a month for a 4 bedroom, possible 5th, 2 full bath + shower, living room and dining room wood floors, sun room, kitchen, back porch and front. The lease is either a 10month (perfect for me) or a year. We decided to just jump on it and filled out applications yesterday. I went down to fill mine out after work and when I arrived, no one was there. I walked around said, "Hello" a few times and no one answered. Not even 5 mins later their alarm started going off. I didnt know what the fuck to do so I had to stay there so no one would think I was tryin to rob the place. Two cops showed up and asked me questions and ended up being pretty nice and didnt accuse me of anything and really just seemed like they didnt wanna be there. An hr later, the guy showed up and gave me an application and said I could bring it back tomorrow. (After waiting around for an hr I was very impatient) I asked him if I could fill it out now and give it to him and told him that we wanted this house and have the money for the downpayment, and are ready to move in ASAP. He said hes gotten a lot of applications and showing for this house and said we could meet today and go over things. SO were meeting with him today HOPEFULLY (cross your fingers for us!) we will get this house. I really hope this works out. If it doesnt, well have to start all over again and I dont think it'd even be worth it after this month.

Everything else is pretty much in the air. Goin with the flow and ready for whatever comes next. I dont even have time to care about anything except for me and my dream. I havent been smoking or drinking that much at all and its amazing how clear my head is and how clear I see everything around me. I'm not saying those things are bad or anything, but after doing them for so long and living a certain lifestyle and then changing and living the lifestyle without them, its completely different. I dont know if that makes sense to anyone...I just feel really good about everything right now. (Financially, and friend-wise....romantically is a different story)

Enjoy the beautiful day today!

Yann Arthus-Bertrand

2008-10-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

Damir sent me a message today that gave me a link to this website.
I found Yann's actual website through there and I was blown away. He started out as an animal photographer, and later turned to aerial photography.
He has produced over 60 books of his landscape photographs taken from helicopters and balloons Yann Arthus-Bertrand's work has often been published in the National Geographic magazine.
His works have both political and aesthetic connotations, and have been exhibited in public spaces all over the world.
In 1991, he founded the Altitude Agency in Paris, a photographic library that specializes in aerial photography. It is the only one of its kind.
In 2000, Arthus-Bertrand created an exhibition with a collection of 100,000 photographs taken in 76 countries which make up his Earth from the Air exhibit. Some of these have been published in his book 365 days: Earth from the Air and exhibited in London, Singapore, Poland, The Netherlands, Finland and elsewhere.
Arthus-Bertrand is a member of the "Académie des Beaux-Arts de l'Institut de France".
One of Arthus-Bertrand's most well-known photographs is of the 'heart' of Voh in Ne Caledonia, which he has used as the cover of several of his books: The Earth from the Air and Earth from Above.
(excert curstey of Wikipedia)

These photographs are amazing. I will do this someday no doubt about it.

Check it out here.

Thoughts on another Level

2008-10-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

So I've been listening to a lot of Atmosphere, (all day, everyday that shit is blastin in my car, when I'm gettin ready, or just chillin at home), and I've been having these crazy dreams. The first one I didn't think too much into it. I was at this wearhouse that was close to a dock with the ocean overlooking it. I saw Sean, and then Ant and a bunch of dudes I didnt recognize. I figured they were about to play a show somewhere around there and just kind of walked over and started talking to them. Sean came off exactly how I imagined he would if I ever met him in real life. He was guarded, didnt give a fuck, but sweet at the same time. At first, he talked to me as if I was just another dumb ass girl that wanted his nuts, and then once we started talking more, he talked to me as if I was his friend. I couldnt tell you what we talked about, but I remember feeling like I was talking to someone I'd known forever, as if he were an old friend. He invited me to join them back stage and chill with them after the show. Then I woke up.
Last night.
I had almost the same dream, just a different location. I was in my basement, but it was the basement I knew before it was finished. (Cement floors, wood staircase, and nothing but open space and a rug on the floor). They were playing in my basement, having a full on live show. There wasnt a stage, or anywhere they could really set up their shit so they just put it in the middle of the floor. There was a bunch of people crowded all over the floor. Everyone formed a circle around them and Sean was in the middle with the mic. He was saying something to the effect of loving every minute of your life no matter what happens next. I was in the front, and he started looking me dead in the eye, pointing and smiling. I smiled back and remember feeling such an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. I started to dance and look at him in the eye. He handed the mic off to a random person in the crowd and walked over to me. He instantly put his arm around me and gave me a hug. We started dancing and the same feeling came over me. (That I had known him forever, that this wasnt awkward or weird, that we connected in some way). I felt as though I was drunk, but didnt remember drinking anything. I pulled out my camera phone and said "I want a pic of us on my phone," and he replied saying, "Girl! I want a pic of us on my phone!" and laughed. We started taking a bunch of pictures of eachother, dancing, hugging, and kissing. Before I knew it we were upstairs in my living room. He started to put his hands around my waist and I felt his fingers slip under my jeans on my hip bones. I felt a tingling sensation (like I always do, in general when someone does that) and I remembered I hadn't shaved. (I think you know what I mean here....) I quickly said, "Ooooooooo I will be RIGHT back," and he said, "What? Where are you going?" I immediately saw where this was going to go and I said, "Don't worry, I'll be right back in like...10mins." I quickly ran upstairs to my bathroom. I began shaving as fast as I could. I was so excited and my mind was going crazy with all these thoughts in my head.
6:40 am my alarm goes off.
I try to pretend I dont hear it. I try to go back to sleep, but it's too loud. I immediately get mad and set it for 7:10, shut it off, and lay back down. I shut my eyes and hope that I can slip back into sleep, and back into my dream. I am unsucessful. My mind tries to escape back into it, and it can't.
You have no idea how angry I was. So close to a sex dream.....and it was totally ruined by my alarm clock. AHHHHH!!!

But anyway....

I've been finding myself writing a lot lately. (Mostly ryhmes and poetry) I figure if I don't share my thoughts with as many people anymore, I might as well write what I'm feeling. PLUS when you stand at a register all day and don't have anything to do after cleaning, doing whats asked of you, and finding things to do.......you get bored. It's been constant this whole week, writing at work, writing when I get off work and before I go to sleep. It's awesome because I feel like my old self again. Thats what I used to do alllllllll the time. I would post a bunch of it, but the majority of it is of one subject and I'm trying to move away from that because no one wants to hear the same shit over and over again in different ways. Am I right? But eventually I will find the balls to put it up here. I just get really self concious about it and only let certain people read it.

More to come soon.

Peace and One.

Art through the eyes of Thomas Edward Wharton III

2008-10-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

I've known this dude since I was 14, had our share of ups and downs and different lifestlyes, but still kept in touch over the years. I got a chance to talk to him the other night and catch up, reminisce about the past, and share eachothers dreams. He's currently in Georgia, livin the dream, and doin what he loves to do, lookin in to studying in France next year. He's always been an artist ever since I've known him and I FINALLY got a chance to see his portfolio thus far. I was completely blown away. I know I will buy some of his work one day. It's always an amazing feeling to see such passion in someone and what they love to do. Check it out!

This represents an actual story in history (that I dont remember...sorry guys.) against good and evil.

Self portrait.

This is pretty self explanatory, symbolizing everything evil that comes from smoking cigarettes. He said he drew this after he quit smoking for a year.

The right side represents the angry and ignorant people of society and how the mother is afraid to change, that people pass down their ignorance from generation to generation (represents the closed eyes) and how the child is still innocent (eyes open).

He told me this was an abstract of my friend Cherron playing the bass, and how music can put you in a trance.

This one was described as a bad mushroom trip, of a guy sitting in his chair watching the tv.

These last four I didn't get a chance to ask him about, but they are amazing.

This one is BY FAR my favorite one. Look at those colors!!

Enjoy.

Om

2008-09-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

I keep seeing this symbol everywhere. It was really starting to freak me out a little bit. I know what it means and what it stands for, but didn't really know the history behind it, so I did a little research.

This is the most legit article I found.

Interesting stuff.

Crazy

2008-09-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

I need this NOW.

and this too......

I will have sex with you 72 times in a row if you buy me these 2 things.

No joke.

Shakin n Bakin

2008-09-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

First week of work, and it feels awesome. It's pretty boring just standing up there at a register but surprisingly the time goes by pretty fast. Once xmas season starts tho....oh man. I will have no time for anyone or anything. lol Gotta do what ya gotta do!
This weekend was A+. Friday was filled of unnecessary bull shit, but I'm not even trippin about it. I finally realize what I need to do with the whole situation and it's gunna suck hurting someone but the whole thing just isn't worth it. I wanna do whatever I want to do and I can't worry about whether thats gunna effect someone else or not.
Saturday....was awesome! There was so many fuckin people there I could barely move, but I just felt on top of the world. I needed the music and the good vibes and the dancing and the dancing....and oh..the dancing. It was really weird/awesome/crazy that there was so many people I knew all in one room. Almost had to fight somebody haha....but I let it go. The only thing that sucks is taking care of drunk people. =/
I finally see the big picture. Life is too short to dwell on the past, to let anyone bring you down, and to try to do anything other than to just BE and make the best of every situation. I don't have much time left here, and I don't wanna have any grudges, any conflicts, regrets, or any awkward vibes.

Nothin can bring me down anymore except for me, and I refuse to sit here and be angry and let negativity walk all over me.

Tonight....LOOOOOOOOOOOM! =]

Have a good day kidos!

Love is nothin, scared of success

2008-09-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

DJ Rare Groove, Abstract Rude, Blueprint, and Atmosphere

WOOOOOOOO BABY!

This show was amazing. I went by myself, because no one else wanted to go with me, but I didn't even care. I got there at 730 thinking I was late, and waited in line to get in for a half hr. Once the doors were open, I got myself a hoodie! Dj Rare Groove started off the night with some spinnin. OOOOOOOooooo was that awesome. I decided to just go right to the front while I could. To my left....2 drunk bitches....to my right...2 really cool dudes. =] All I gotta say is those girls sucked. Spillin their drinks all over the stage, yellin and screamin for "Slug" and dancin like hookers. Me and the guys wanted to slap em!
But anyway, Abstract Rude was pretty decent. I wasn't a huge fan, but he put on a good show. Blueprint completely blew my mind. I need to get some of his shit fer sure.
Then of course, the main event, Atmosphere! This was seriously a dream come true. Their music has influenced me and helped out through a lot, and to see them live was just a trip. Mankwe's voice blew me away. I looked over at her and screamed, "Yeah girl!!" and held up my finger, and she smiled at me and nodded and held her arms out, letting me know she understood. It was fucking awesome. I'm surprised I didn't loose my voice.

Overall....I was in heaven. =]

Chased the Dark Clouds Away

2008-09-08T12:47:00.001-07:00

Everything is finally looking up for me. I'm on my way and it feels sooooo fuckin good!

I just got hired at Office Max last Thursday. Full time, $9 an hr, Mon-Fri 8-4, sometimes Saturdays. HOOOOOOLY SHIT was i stoked. It's the best offer I've had and I agreed to take it. One problem.....drug test. I took Strip Thurs night and took the test on Friday around 11am. They called me today and said, "Well we got your test results back and it looks like you have traces of methamphetamine." I got silent for a second and didn't know what to say, and then he said "No I'm just kidding, everything was fine." Scared the fuck out of me. All I could do was say..."Ok, I was like um...what?" followed by a ha ha ha! Then he said he would contact me on when I can start training which hopefully is sometime this week.
This was my face upon hearing all of this information...

=]

I'm so fuckin happy about this you guys don't even know!

PLUS.......

I'm going to be moving into a house with Ali and Maggie, and possibly 1 or 2 other people. We've already laid down rules, looked at houses on Craig's List, newspapers, ads, and everything. We have a good 20-25 were interested in. Now, we just have to wait for Ali to come back from Arizona and get this shit rollin! I'm really excited! I think this might actually happen this time, I can feel it. We're trying to shoot for Mid Oct, or early Nov but hopefully sooner than later. We're looking at houses in Midtown, (mostly creighton/uno area) just cuz it'd be amazing...of course.

Full Time job.
Gap.
Rookies.
HOUSE.
Almost done with my essay for Columbia.

Good things to come and lots of hard work to look forward to. I'm so ready for it. I just wanna scream I'm so happy!

Out

2008-08-31T17:15:00.000-07:00

I gotta find somewhere else to live.
My mom's kicking me out.
I don't know where she thinks I'm gunna fuckin go. I know I could crash at a couple different places, but I can't afford to live anywhere, and I don't think anyone would let me live with them till I got back on my feet.

Ugh.

I wanna cry.

Fuck this.

Lauryn Hill

2008-08-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

This album is AMAZING. I had heard a couple songs, but DAAAAYYYUMMM!

Every song relates to my life in some way or another. I can't get enough of it.

My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away
And life squeezes so tight that I can't breathe
And every time I try to be, what someone else has thought of me
So caught up, I wasn't able to achieve
But deep in my heart, the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to define my own destiny
I look at my environment
And wonder where the fire went
What happened to everything we used to be
I hear so many cry for help
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know his strength is within me
And deep in my heart, the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to define my own destiny
And deep in my heart...
And deep in my heart, the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to define my own destiny

Dear Omaha,

2008-08-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

You have been my home my entire life. You've watched me ride my first bike, see my first stiches, and make my first friend. Everything I was, am and will be, is because of you. You are my backround, my childhood, and some of short lived adulthood.
I've watched myself grow and change so much over the years. It's crazy to look back and think it was just yesterday I was running around with my best girl friends, spying on the neighborhood boys, and blaring our music outside just to be noticed. I was just a kid, full of life, and a million insecurities to come with it.
The first time my heart was broken I was 9. I watched my mom cry for the first time in front of me. Most people think it'll be some boy, or a death in the family, (even though I had my share later on0, but when I saw my mom that hurt, I cried. She was sitting in the bathroom in the kitchen, door closed, with the lights on. I opened the door and asked her what was wrong, and gave her a hug. I remember exactly how her face looked, her eyes watery and puffy, and the way she pulled me closer to her. She said, "I just miss her a lot." I don't know for sure to this day is it was just her mom she was upset about, but to see my mom in that state for the first time was a turning point for me. No one is ever as strong as they appear.
Middle school was the best and worst years of my life. You think everything is crucial to everything. Whether the boy you like is going to say hi to you today, to how you look, to everything you say and do. It was a chance to be silly and have all be all kinds of mixed up on a million different emotions. I wouldn't change anything.
Highschool came and went too fast. Looking back on it now, I can say I had the best time of my life. I had good friends, GREAT friends, the kind of people you wait to meet and when you finally do, you can't believe they actually talk to you. I did aqnd saw a lot of crazy things I would give anything to press rewind and hit play on a random day at school. You spend all of your time hating it, but when its all over, all you wanna do is go back.
Being out of highschool for 2 years now (going on 3), has opened my eyes to a lot of things. People either change and grow up, or they leave themselves to the same shit they've been doin their whole lives. I only talk to a handful of people I graduated with, and I like to think thats for a reason. I've realized that even though you think everything will be the same, nothing is ever the same. You get tired of the same drama, the same issues, the dumb things you thought you escaped from highschool, and you do your own thing.
I saw a lot of old faces I hadn't seen in awhile, and I smiled and said, "Whats up, How are you doin?" to every single one of them. I didn't have any negativity towards anyone, and I get hated on by the majority of the people I thought I didn't have any problems with.
Its a comment here, the sarcastic, "Oh look at me I'm smokin weed," (followed by being ignored the rest of the night), an action there, or a look across the room. It was the girl attached to his hip everytime I entered a room, trying to hurt me in someway that he thinks I'll care, like a 12yr old trying to make me jealous of his new toy. It was the crazy stares from the girl who was intimidated by my very presence of even being there, thinking I'm there to steal the man she doesnt even want, flaunting herself all over every guy there tellin you you got a chance. It was the whispers, the stares that say, "What are you even doing here," the obnoxious immature behavior, the same dumbass girls you sit there and talk shit on, but always seem to find their way the to next party and into the next guys pants.
It's no wonder there's STD's all over here. If you add it up right, everyones hooked up with everyone somehow. You meet people through the people you know already, like highschool. You move on to the next friend, the next girl you've know for awhile, or just met through a friend. It's a cycle that never ends. It just keeps going in a circle.
Omaha, I love you in a sense that you are my home. You will always be there, but right now, I don't like you very much. I will be leaving you sooner than I planned, in a couple of months. At first I will not miss you at all. I just hope that when I come back here, everything won't be the same. I hope that people will have GROWN UP ALREADY. I hope I can appreciate you, but right now I need to leave. I need to find my own way, my own path to myself where everyone here is not attached to me, and doesn't have any connection to me in anyway. Been still tryin to escape the baggage, and I don't even talk to him or them or anyone.
No one probabaly understands where I'm coming from. I'm the only one of my friends who hasn't been out of their house, out of this state, or stayed in a dorm. I've done a good job of isolating myself, and only hanging on to a select group of people. I don't expect anything from anyone anymore. Life is only what you make it, and I'm determined to make it a million times better than this.

It's gotta be.

Viral Infection?

2008-08-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

Experimenting with drugs has never really been my forte. I never smoked weed until I was 17, and even then was afraid to do it. I don't believe in peer pressure. I think that everyone makes their own choices, regardless of what anyone says. No one has control over you, except you. I've been around a lot of drugs, the majority of them right in front of my face, watching other people do them. It didn't ever phase me. It wasn't something I was interested in (and still not.) Almost everyone I know has done some kind of drug outside of weed, whether it be from popping pills to coke, or even meth.
On Tuesday night I was feeling a little better from feeling slightly sick and decided to go out with Devin. We went to some kid's house and played a round of beer pong, and drank a little. I had about 3-4 beers in me and I was feeling amazing. I haven't been drinking a lot lately, so it went straight to my head. Devin's friend asked me a question I'd heard a million times before, "You wanna do extacy tonight?" My immediate answer was no, of course. But then I hesitated. I started asking them all kinds of questions about it, told them I was scared to do it, but wanted to try it someday. Devin's friend replied with, "Well I know where we can get it right now if you want to, we can go back to my place and just chill." The kid's place we were at was kind of lame. Everyone sat around the t.v. stoned out of their minds watching the news. No one was talking to anyone.
I decided to just go for it. I was nervous, but I got it in my head that I was going to do it. We met up with someone on 120th & center and got it. They got 7 different ones, 2 yellow, 1 orange, and 4 blue. They told me to take a yellow one because they were the least strongest. Devin took the same with me. We got back to his friends house, and I didn't feel anything. They said it would probably take awhile to kick in, and that when it did, I would know.
Half hour went by, and I still didn't feel anything. Devin and I shared an orange one, each taking half. Another half hour went by, and I started to feel sick. I ran to the bahtroom and lay my head on the toilet. I thought I was going to puke, for sure, and Devin came in the bathroom with me. He told I was going to puke, that my body just wasnt used to it, and it was adjusting. I started to get really hot, and feel really sick. Devin stayed in the bathroom with me for a good hour until I felt ok.
When I came out I just felt really high, like a marijuana high, only more intesnse. My body felt numb, but my mind was focused. After a lot of deep conversations, and 4hours later, it was 6am. I had to go home. We were on 60th & L and I knew if I didn't go home soon, my mom was going to freak out.
After arriving home, I went straight to my bed after hearing a "Jesus Christ Christine," from my mom. I lay in bed, and tried to sleep. Sleep didn't come. I waited an hr and a half till everyone left the house before I got up to go to bathroom, trying to get it out my system. Nothing worked. I couldn't puke, I couldn't poop, and worst of all I couldn't sleep. I lay awake in my bed for 6hrs, staring at the fan on my ceiling. I wasn't hungry, all I could do was drink water.
I stayed awake for a total of 34hrs straight. My whole body felt like it was asleep, by my mind wouldn't shut off. It was the worst feeling I've ever had.
The majority of this continued until today. I was able to sleep, but my appetite was completely gone. Nothing sounded good, and anything that I did eat, I either pooped it out, or it made me really nauseous. I feel like I'm wasting away. I've lost so much weight the past couple of days, I'm pale as fuck, and I look like death is waiting for me.

Yesterday I went to the doctor, told her everything, and she said, "It sounds like you have some kid of viral infection." She gave me some immodium a.d and some anti nausea pills. So far, I've been ok. I found out I shouldn't smoke while I'm on either of these. Apparently the anti-nausea pills make you drowsy as is, and I passed out around 10 last night. I feel better today than any other day, but I just gotta take it one day at a time. Hopefully I don't have to close tonight, otherwise I'll prolly pass out and die of pushing my body too much.

Lesson learned.

.......

2008-08-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

The thing about Omaha is.....it's small,
people talk.

All I have to say is...

JUST.

DO.

IT.

ALREADY.

Bitchin

2008-08-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot of friends because I don't like a lot of people.

It's hard for me to trust.

It's hard for me to open up.

I lose touch with people because I push them away.

The friends that I do have are not exactly down for anything and everything.

This leaves me home alone not doing anything I want to do.

Is ANYONE for real anymore? Damn..

I want new friends.

I'm tired of the same shit.

I'm tired of being there for people anytime, anywhere, and getting nothing in return.

What the fuck is my purpose?

What about ME?

What about what I WANT?

I'm gunna start living by me. If no one else wants to do it, fuck it. IM gunna do it. If I have to go by myself, fuck it. I'll do it. Who says you can't have fun by yourself, right?