Class

Tonight was a huge disappointment. I went in early to develop my film, did everything perfectly, and STILL showed up with not even 15 pictures, out of 2 rolls. I was so pissed. One of the rolls, I even cheated and just set it to program, and I only got 1 picture from that one. 1! So I had my teacher check out my camera for the 2nd time, and apparently theres some shit on the shutter making it stick together and not open. Here I was thinking I was doing something wrong...
I have to take it in to get cleaned off tomorrow. Its supposed to be sunny all day and our sense of place assignment is due mon, and motion due weds. I'm really excited. The tough one is going to be motion. I want to take pictures of people and during the week they can be hard to find.
I made some prints tonight, but they're not quite perfected yet. Tonights music choice: Michael Jackson. It was awesome. I still need to do some filters/burning and dodging/getting rid of my spots on my film. Hopefully I can get those on here tomorrow before work.
I skipped class last Weds and it totally just threw me off track. I didn't get to hear him talk about pinhole cameras, or watch videos about a famous photographer, or hear about stuff going on during the weekend, or hear him talk about. Man....that really bums me out. I don't think I ever wanna skip class again. I don't really have a good reason as to why I skipped either. I just said, "I don't feel like it" and didn't go.
Anyways....
We watched this old film projector of Henri Cartier Bresson with the tape player being played next to it. It was total 70's, and it was great. He was the one speaking the whole time, and he is the coolest dude ever. The way he views photography is so interesting to me. "The photograph itself doesn't interest me. I want only to capture a minute part of reality." He's a French photographer who was considered to be the father of modern photojournalism, and helped develop street photography. He's traveled all over the world to places like China, India, Mexico, Canada, Japan, and the Soviet Union during 1960-1970. Everything hes photographed hes been known to just be in the right place at the right time.
Here's some of my favorites:







A-mazing.

I'm thinkin about taking Advanced Experimental Photography this summer. My teacher is the one that will be teaching it, and from what he told me it sounds like it'll be bomb. It will be from 10-5 Mon and Weds though. I don't know if I want to do that. I can always take it in the Fall, but I've just been thinkin about it. A part of me wants to just be crazy busy this summer, but I gotta take a break sometime right?


Alright....
peeeeeace

Boredom

It sucks that everyone has class in the morning....except me.
I don't ever have anything to do/have anyone to hang out with during the week, so that leaves me sitting here, watching tv for hours, and loosing my mind.
Gap didn't schedule me allllllll week. What the fuck am I spose to do with that? I might as well just fuckin quit. It's not worth it anymore. I just need something that I can do everyday that will keep me going. I just don't want a full time job until after the summer is over.

I really think I might just get in my car and drive. There's nothing to do, no one call, and the night is young.

Peace out

Can't Sleep

I just got home....and I don't think I could sleep even if I tried.
It's like I have to completely drain myself out or something? Who knows....
I know once I fall asleep I'm gunna have some crazy ass dream. It's been happening almost every night, and I've been writing them down, and holy shit. Its just crazy to me. I dream so much (and remember it) I don't understand it.

Well....

I dont have anything else to say.



Peace
love

Rookies

Started working last night. It's way more laid back than Red Lobster, and I'm not used to it at all. I felt over dressed, and over polite to everyone. At first, it overwhelmed me. The other server, Danielle, was taking 5, 6 tables at a time, where as I'm only used to 3. That'll be a good thing once I get used to it. Everyone there was really cool. I got hit on like 10 times, sooooo I'm thinking I could easily make a lot of money there. YUUUUSSSS! I didn't make a whole lot, but I didn't really expect to. (plus Danielle was jackin all the tables, because she knew everyone, which is understandable, but DAMN) I'm gunna have to learn to be more aggressive and loud.
Shes got me working by myself for an hr tomorrow night. I'm really nervous about that. It seems like its an easy job, but by myself is a totally different story.

Overall.....I'm stoked.

My Response

Today was the first day I actually cried over you since St. Patty's Day.
I cried because I can't even talk to you anymore, because of what you wrote, and because of everything else thats going on in my life.


I never said you never cared, nor do I think that, cuz I know you did.
Do I think you care about me now? Of course not.


I UNDERSTAND why things didn't work out.
I UNDERSTAND why they CAN'T.

Am I hurt? Fuck yeah. EVERYDAY I THINK ABOUT YOU.
Am I angry? Fuck yeah. I want to scream at you and say everything hurtful I can think of but I won't. I've got more class than that, and I've learned from past experiences that that doesn't do any good.


I made a mistake, but really...did you ever want to be in a relationship with me in the first place? No. I knew this for a fucking year, and I stuck around. I could've, (and probably should've) said fuck that, but I didn't. I believed in us, and believed we could get through it.

Am I going around getting drunk all the time and fucking everyone and being a make out whore? FUCK NO. Does it have anything to do with you? FUCK NO.


No girl should ever be the girl on the side, the best friend fuck buddy, waiting to get attention, and needing affection, but never getting it.


Just because a girl wants you to say something, doesn't mean you should, ESPECIALLY if you know how SENSITIVE that girl is to those words.
And did you explain the truth to me? No.

What I DON'T understand is why it was necessary to post that for everyone to see.
I DON'T understand what "cut the line" means, and apparently it means not trying to talk to me, deleting me from your myspace, and cutting me right out of your life.
I DON'T understand why you would say the most hurtful thing you could possibly say to me, and not give a shit.
I DON'T understand why you never wanted to be with me.
I DON'T understand why everyone I get close to LEAVES.
and I DON'T understand how I'm supposed to move on, and why you already have.


The truth is....you never wanted to be with me in the first place, and I fucked myself over by sticking around. All you care about is your music, your friends, and your family. I don't fit anywhere in there, nor did I ever.

I'm just not capable of being loved by anyone. Not my family, my friends, and not even you. I know you might say..."well thats not true," but I'm finding more and more everyday that it is. Thats why I have given up on relationships completely. I don't know what it is about me that people find so hard for themselves to fall for me, stay with me, and love me.


You wanted to move to Minnesota, you wanted to say fuck everything thats here and peace out, you wanted to be by yourself, you wanted to cut the line, you wanted to do whatever the fuck YOU WANTED TO DO, like always. You're selfish and you always will be, and its not gunna get you anywhere except alone.


Thats all I have to say

Do do do do

I have no idea what to do today.
I have 2 rolls of film to develop, but I'll wait and do it before class, so.....I'm bored.
This blog is probably pointless, but thats a-ok.
I think my familys havin a garage sale sometime before my mom and I go to Chicago. Should be pretty sweet. We all have a bunch of crap that we don't need and need to get rid of.
Also, my dad needs someone to paint the deck again. I said I'd do it if he paid me. It took me so long to do it last time, but moneys money.
I haven't even been trying to save money at all. As soon as I get paid I spend it on film, paper, food, clothes, weed, and gas. Hopefully serving for Jeremy's mom will work out. I haven't ever even been there/know what prices are or anything. She wants me to come in and start training tom night. At this point....it was the first job offered to me, so I gotta take it. A part of me just wants to work all summer, but it summers...I gotta have some free time, take a break, ya know?
So far I think I've come up with a pretty good plan.
1. See Columbia College in Chicago.
2. Determine if I like it/can live there.
3. Take a ballet/pointe class in the summer.
4. Work more than usual.
5. Take a year off of school, or maybe just take some photography classes.
6. Work full time.
7. Try to find a roommate/move out by myself if I have to.
8. By the end of the year, get the fuck out of Omaha.
9. No looking back, just moving forward.
I've never felt so determined than I do right now. There isn't anything or anyone standing in my way this time, and there wont be for a long time. The thing that gets me sidetracked everytime is other people. I worry too much about everyone else, when I need to just worry about me. Another problem is guys. I get too involved with some guy and I loose site of myself, and my goals, and I don't care about anything except him. I don't wanna do that anymore. I'm not even trying to get to know anyone like that, I just fuck myself over every time.
Sooooo.....fuck everyone else. Half the people I thought were my friends aren't really my friends at all, I just didn't want to see it.


All I got is me.


Check it out:
















haha jk! You think I would cut my hair that short?? fuuuuck no....

420

Happy 420 kids!





but seriously...