The Positive & The Negative

It's almost 3 am. Usually I'm awake at this time every night, but tonight I wanted to try to go to bed early. For some reason, this almost never works. I shut off the t.v. at 1:50 am and have been tossing and turning until now.
My mind is racing. I'm thinking about the people I work with, how my manager is trying to come up with excuses for me to leave and why. I'm thinking about how I'm going to take portraits, things I need to get done this week, everything Shanae and I talked about earlier, and Keith.
I've been having a lot of time to myself, trying to figure out me, and why I say, think, and do the things I do. I've noticed that I am a very negative person who has a lot of built up anger and frustration. I feel as though I'm trying to come out of my cage, and taking baby steps. I don't know who I am, and that's whats so frustrating to me. I feel like I'm both of my parents personalities (complete opposites) smashed into one, and it's hard to know which one I am because I feel like I can't be both.
I think I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist, for real this time. In grade school, and high school, I don't think I really got what I needed. I need to know how to gain confidence, and how to turn my negatives into positives, and how to deal with my anger properly instead of letting it build up until I feel like I'm going to explode. I need to learn how to get motivated, to stand up for myself, and something I believe it. I need to know why I put myself in the craziest relationships and try to make them work. Most of all, I just need someone to talk to. If all they do is try to put me on a bunch of drugs, I'm out. I don't believe they do anything for me. Maybe I haven't been on a high enough dose, but when I was on them in high school it helped for about a year, and then I was right back to cutting myself and getting really depressed all over again. All they do is make me numb. I don't want to be numb, it's the worst feeling in the world. I can't get excited or really sad about anything.
I have had the most negative attitude my whole life. I go to sleep thinking I don't want to do anything tomorrow, that I won't want to wake up, and when I actually do wake up, my first thought is exactly that. The only time I have a positive thought in my head is when someone tells me something positive, or when I excited about something I enjoy doing. It's not exactly the best way to live, and I've been doing it ever since grade school, and I don't know how to stop. I can say its because of this and this and this, but in all actuality, it's me and the way I think. I want to change that. I don't want to complain about everything everyday, and let every negative thing said or done to me affect me in such a way that I beat up on myself because of it. I don't want to immediately jump to the negative. It shouldn't be like that.
Wow....I'm sorry I'm getting all deep and shit. I think I'm gunna stop now.
3:24 am....=/

Fate

I had a really good/bad experience Thursday night. Steph and Em moved into their new house and were throwing a barbecue. Gap cut my shift that night so I decided to drive to Lincoln. It felt so good to see all of those people. As the night went on, its pretty obvious as to what happened next, we all got really drunk. I haven't laughed till my stomach hurt, and reminisced about the old days. Then Steph and I started to text people. At first it was just funny as we watched ourselves make numerous typos and not even bother to correct them. As the night went on, everyone started to leave, and Steph and Em went to bed. Karlee and I were the only ones up, still drinking at 230. I went upstairs to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to be sick. I ended up in the shower, letting the hot water fall on me, giving me a sense of relaxation. At this point I got it in my head that I wanted to go home. I don't know why I always do that. So I ran downstairs, picked uo my purse and camera case, and walked out the door in the rain. I wanted to leave quickly so no one could stop me. I started my car and went at least 10 miles down the road. I checked my phone out of habit and I saw that Karlee had called. As I pushed talk to call her back, my car went up on a curb and fell back down onto the road. I started yelling, "FUCK FUCK FUCK! Are you serious? Come on!" and I started to cry. My car had two flat tires, and I could feel it. I pulled over into a Home Depot parking lot, and got hysterical, talking to myself. I was angry because this happened to me, and then I started to get angry at myself for leaving in the first place. I saw there was a Taco Bell across the street, and got out of my car. It was raining, not pouring but drizzling, just enough to get me wet. I knocked on the door and a guy came and opened it and said "Can I help you?" I exaplained that I had two flat tires, and asked if he could help me. He came out, looked at my car, and said, "Oh man you got two flat tires?? Shit...that really sucks." At this point, I didn't know what else to do except call my mom. For some reason I didn't want to call anyone at Steph and Em's. I got it in my head that they were asleep, and they couldn't do anything anyways, and that I was alone in this. I told myself that this was my fault and I couldn't involve anyone else. My mom didn't know what else to do except call my aunt. My phone died shortly after that conversation. I used Taco Bells phone and my mom said my aunt would be there in a half hour. The people from Taco Bell said they had to set the alarm, so I walked outside and they said, "Well good luck to you," and got in their cars and left. Now I was completely alone. I went in my car and just sat there, paranoid. There was no one I could call, and no where I could go. It felt like forever until my aunt came to pick me up. I started to get scared, and cried some more. I started talking to myself, saying how stupid I was and blaming myself for my actions. My aunt finally showed up and I could tell she was mad. She kept saying, "I was asleep, your mom has called me several times." I just kept apologizing. I didn't know what else to say. When we got to her house it was 4am. I passed out immediately on one of her beds in the basement. I woke up to my mom telling me to wake up. I couldn't even move. My head was pounding, and my body was incredibly weak. I felt like I was literally dying, and couldn't do anything except sleep it off. My mom came in a 2nd time and said her and my aunt were going out to lunch and asked if I wanted to come. I mumbled and said, "No I'll prolly puke if I eat anything right now." They went to lunch and I fell back asleep. I finally woke up around 2 or 3, and we waited till 530 until my car was done. It took them almost 6hrs to fix it. My rims were all kinds of fucked up, and I needed new tires.
Moral of the story is pretty obvious. I lucked out, and it could've been so much worse. I keep thinking what would've happened if I actually got on the interstate. Yes, I am an idiot.
This is yet another thing that has happened to me that I have lucked out. I've been in several situations where I should be dead, or in jail, or gotten a D.U.I, but I am still here. It makes me think that God wants me to be here, and theres a reason why both of my tires went flat, and I was unable to drive home. I don't think I could even kill myself even if I tried. I'm lucky to be here right now, and I'm lucky to be alive. I've been having so many issues with myself and who I am and maybe I'm meant to do something amazing with my life, and maybe I just needed a sign.
There's so much that I take for granted everyday, and I need to start being thankful for the things that I do have, and stop seeing the negative in everything.

Project

So....I got some new prints!! yayayay! You can check them out on my faceboook or my photobucket----->http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v231/kramekrame
I took a lot of pictures at the Qwest Center last Saturday for the Berkshire Hathaway Event and I'm thinkin I could do a little Dylan Vitone action and paste some things together and make that my final project. It would be really cool, and I'm really stoked about it, cuz I have like 2 rolls from that. The next thing I still have to do is motion (which is killing me...I have no idea what to do) and portraits. It's gunna be tricky, I just have to step out of my comfort zone, get some balls, and just ask people if I can photograph them. I always feel weird and uncomfortable for some reason, and I shouldn't at all. So I'm thinkin I'll photograph people at the bar, the regulars, and a bunch of drunk guys that wouldn't care at all. We also have to do a self portait. That is gunna be sooo difficult for me. I have no idea what I will do.
Signed up for Experimental Photography 2 days ago. I think it starts June 5 or 6, somethin like that. I'm really excited for that class. We're gunna do so much crazy shit. AND I get to use my lomo camera!!
Now all I need to do is sign up for the ballet & pointe class.
I'm gunna be busy busy busy this summer. I can't wait.

peeeeeace

Green Eyes-Erykah Badu

My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend
My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I don't care, I swear
I'm too through with you I am
You don't mean nothing to me
So go ahead and be with your friend

My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend
My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I'm insecure
But I can't help it
My mind says move on
My heart lags behind
But I don't love you any more
I'm so insecure
Never knew that love did this
Ooh, ooh

I can't remember the last time I felt this way
About somebody
You've done something to my mind
And I can't control it
But I don't love you any more
Yes I do, I think
Loving you is wrong baby
Ooh, ooh

La-di-da
Dum-dee-da-da
Dum-didi-da-da-da
Dum-didi-da-dum-di

I'm so confused
You tried to trick me yeah
Ooh, ooh, oh
Never knew that love could hurt like this
Never thought I would but I got dissed
Makes me feel so sad and hurt inside
Feel embarrassed so I want to hide
Silly me I thought your love was true
Change my name to Silly E. Badu
Before I heal, it's gonna be a while
I know it's gonna be a while, chile


I hope it's not too late
Too late, too late, too late
Feeling insecure
Your love has got me sore
I don't want no more

Oh, oh
It's too late, oh, oh ooh, ooh
I'm sorry I love you
At first it was cool
You told me you loved me too, ooh
And then you lost your love
And then you lost your love
And then you lost your love
You wanted me to go away
But I can't go
See I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late

Just make love to me
Just one more time and then you'll see
I can't believe I made a desparate plea
Believe me yeah, ye-ah, no, oh
You see I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
Don't you know, I can't leave, it's too late
Can't go no where, no
It's too late
It's too late
It's too late
It's too late yeah
Come on babe

Don't you want be strong with me
You told me we could have a family
Want to run to me when you're down and low
But times get tough and there you go
Out the door, you wanna run again
Open your arms and you'll come back in
Wanna run cause you say your afraid, afraid

Never knew what a friendship was
Never knew how to really love
You can't be what I need you to
And I don't know why i fuck with you

I know our love will never be the same
But I can't stand the growing pains

The Pittsburgh Project

I saw Dylan Vitone last night. He came and spoke at Metro and showed us his work. He's a really cool guy. He's working on a project called "The Pittsburgh Project."

"For the past year I have been documenting Pittsburgh, a rustbelt town seated at the confluence of the Ohio, Allegheny and Monongahela rivers in Western Pennsylvania. In its heyday, Pittsburgh was an economic hub that served as one of the nation’s largest producers of steel, coal, glass and aluminum, attracting scores of immigrant workers for the promise of work in the mills. As Pittsburgh’s economy boomed, its culture flourished, and the city became home to some of the most influential families in the country: the Carnegies, Rockerfellers, Fricks, Heinzes, Hillmans and Mellons.

With the deindustrialization of the latter 20th century, Pittsburgh suffered a massive economic decline, losing half its population over the last 50 years alone. The city currently has trouble affording some of the most basic of municipal services. It can not keep public pools open in the summer or plow the streets in the winter. Last year the City of Pittsburgh was on the verge of declaring bankruptcy.

Today, Pittsburgh strives to diversify its industry. As area real estate is relatively inexpensive, companies are finding incentives for moving into the city. The sites of what once were the largest steel mills in the country have been cleared in favor luxury condos and shopping plazas. There is hope that things are changing, but only time will tell.

This project documents Pittsburgh’s struggle to reconcile its history with the uncertainty of its future. Like other cities across the nation’s rustbelt, Pittsburgh has been forced to reinvent itself."

His photographs are 12 x 80 inch ultrachrome inkjet prints. He said he sometimes takes over 5 rolls of film in one area, and pastes photographs together (using photoshop) to create the image he wants. The things that he captures are truely amazing.

Check him out at http://www.dylanvitone.com/

New Prints!!

Today I went to an interview at the Double Tree Hotel. I got hired on the spot and the guy said, "Well we'll go ahead and give you a drug trest and then just call us when youre available to start working." Uh.....what...?! I had no idea they drug tested, and me being me, smoked 2 days ago. I was fucked. The girl followed me to the restroom, stayed outside the restroom until I was done, and I checked positive for THC. She said they had to take it in for further testing and would call me. HAH! Yeah right...

Then I decided to go take pictures and went to Benson Park. I was getting ready to leave and my car started and then immediately died. I didn't have anymore gas left, and my gas light never went off. So I was stuck at the gas station across the street for a good 2hrs. Apparently no one carries gas cans anymore.

By that time, I had to go to class. We listened to all swing music in the lab. It was the shit. I went crazy today. I printed as much as I could get done. It looks like I might have some pictures to work with for sense of place already, but I'm not crazy about any of them.

Go check them out on my facebook or photobucket. (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v231/kramekrame)

peace and love!

Pissed

The whole day was completely wasted.
My teacher told me to go to 93rd & maple to get my camera fixed. Well.....there isnt any camera repair store anywhere around there. I came back home and looked online for other ones. It said there was a store called Flat Land on 87th and fort. I drove there, and guess what....theres nothing there except a bunch of houses, and the human society. I asked 2 or 3 people where this fuckin store was and theyd never heard of it. So I finally decided to give up and just went to Rockbrook. The guy there told me that it would cost $150 just to fix my shutter. Fuck that.....
So I went to the other Rockbrook on 168th and they told me it wouldnt be worth it to put $150 into it and that they would sell me a body for $90. FUUUUCKKKKK!!!! I don't have $90. I get paid tom or Thurs, and I really hope its tom cuz today and tomorrow are like the only sunny days all week.
I spent the whole day running around town, and not being able to take pictures, or make prints, or do anything I wanted to do today.
I'm so pissed off right now, the whole day was wasted. Now I have to go to work for 8 or 9hrs. SWEEEEEEEEEETTT!!!