Monday, March 16, 2009
I was having a really good day. Work was better than usual, and when I got off I wanted to enjoy the beautiful weather. I walked to Homers and bought Brother Ali's, "The Truth is Here," and Atmosphere's, "God Loves Ugly." I saw a Common poster on the wall and asked if it was for sale and the guy told me he had an extra one and that I could just have it for free. I was so stoked. I walked home, ready to blast those cd's and put my poster up when Jake called me.
He told me they found a body about a mile away fro Jeff's car. I didn't know what to say or what to do so I told him to call me if he finds anything else out, and I hung up the phone. I started to cry and called my mom A part of me didn't want to believe it was him, but I knew it had to be.
Shortly after, I got off the phone with my mom and called Jake back and told him I was headed over to Keith's. I didn't want to be alone.
I got in my car and cried the whole way there. Andrea called and filled me in on some more information. I could tell she had been crying too. I kept saying, "What if it's not him, maybe there's a chance," and she would say, "I doubt it though Kramer, you knw it is, it's gotta be."
I stopped over at Keith's and the door was locked so I walked over to Andrea's and watched the news with her. Sissy came in and told us the body couldn't be identified yet but he was a 20yr old male wearing a tye-dye shirt and khaki pants. We all just knew. My heart sank and I got a huge pit in my stomach. I didn't know what to do and I just kept saying, "Oh my God..."
I called Jake again and he said they were all eating at Romeo's. I wasn't even hungry but I went and ate anyways. I just wanted to be around everyone. I knew if I was alone I'd loose it.
The rest of the night we all went back to Keith's and tried to have a couple drinks. I didn't feel like doing or saying anything. We were all kind of dumbfounded and didn't know how to act.
I went home really late and knew I wasn't going to sleep. I just lay there in my bed picturing him in a feild somewhere, thinking of all the memories I had, the summer nights at Kurt's, the first time I met him, seeing him everyday, and all the things I should have done or should have said. I fell asleep around 3am and had a crazy dream.
I was at a party and it was the summer time. I was walking around this house and there were people everywhere, people upstairs, downstairs, on the stairs, and outside cooking out hamburgers and hot dogs. I walked inside and headed downstairs to the basement. I'm not sure what I was doing down there, but as I walked upstairs I saw Jeff in the corner. There was a light shining over him from the sun and he was smiling. I looked back behind me to see if anyone was following me up the stairs. I opened my mouth, about to say something to someone downstairs when I looked back up and he was gone. I ran upstairs and started telling people I saw him. I ran into the living room full of a crowd of people and saw him again dancing i the corner. He was flaling his arms about and bobbin his had up and down the way he always did. I turned around again, looking around the room to see if anyone else saw him, saying, "Its Jeff! He's right there! Can't you guys see him?" No one said anything and looked at me like I was crazy. I turned back around and he was gone. I ran outside, sunshine blasting on my face and saw Kurt standing in a circle around a bunch of people I didn't recognize. I ran up to him puting my hands around his arm and saying, "I saw him! I saw Jeff! He's alive, I saw him!" He didn't say anything at first giving me a crazy look. He told me I was crazy and imagining things. I got pissed and walked away. standing right in front of me as I looked up from the ground was Jeff with his back to me, with his brown shaggy hair. I reached out slowly and touched him, felt y hand resting on his shoulder. He slowly turned around, my heart was racing. I saw his big smile as my alarm went off and I was awake.
It felt so real, like I had actually touched him. I lay in bed wanting so badly to go back to sleep. My eyes started to tear up as I forced myself to get out of bed.
The rest of the week was hard. I tried to stay at Keith's and around everyone as much as possible. If I was alone, I couldn't handle it.
When Thursday came, I went to his wake and it all started to sink in. Here was one the greatest people I'd ever met in my entire life, and he was gone. I was never going to see him again, never get to hug him, laugh with him, or just plain sit there and do absolutely nothing. Seeing all of his pictures, his videos, his art work, and all the shows he went to, my heart just broke.
The funeral on Friday was the hardest thing for me, as it was for everyone. It was a really nice funeral full of a lot of colors and all of the beautiful people who's lives he touched. I saw so many people I hadn't seen in a long time, people I didn't even know knew him.
I watched him be buried in the ground.
I spread dirt over his grave.
I still can't make it real in my head. I don't know what to feel except lost.
I have so many unanswered questions, so many things I wish I would've done or said. I feel like a shitty friend. I feel like shit for staying away from everyone for my own selfish reasons.
How could this happen? How does God take all of the good people of this world and leave the shitty ones here to rot and take up space? I don't understand it.
Jeff,
I remember the first time I met you, sitting next to you in Photojournalism class in high school. You were going through some tough shit at the time and I didn't know what to do or tell you. You always had a smile on your face and could make me laugh everyday. I had a pretty big crush on you back in the day. I wish I would've told you. You have taught me so much about life, love and friendship. You have inspired me to live my life to the fullest, to never take anything or anyone for granted, and to just be free. I miss you presence everyday. I will love you forever and always hold a spot for you in my hear.
I've started on this collage from one of the gap posters I had in my room. I'm painting over it and painting a tree on it and filling it with pictures of all of my friends and family. If anyone has any pictures (old or new) let me know, I'll take them! I'm really excited for this, it's just going to take me awhile to get it perfect.
Thanks for reading, and thank you to all the people who have been there for me through this,
I love you all.
Peace and love
