For me

I don't know how I got here,

how I ended up. 

or where I'm going. 

BUT....

I'm going, 

                                                         and I'm leaving. 

Leave home 

Leave familiar 

Leave the course you’re on because you never wanted to be there in the first place. 

Leave him 

Leave her 

Leave because they don’t appreciate your love, now do they really? 

Leave working for someone else’s dream 

Leave the shitty scene 

Leave your comfortable couch 

Leave convention 

Respectability 

Responsibility 

Obligation. 

Leave the guilt sorrow abuse violence rape 

Leave it in the past because fuck them for attempting to ruin your future. 

Leave apprehension 

Leave intimidation 

Leave “what’s right”, because who are they to tell you anyway. 

Leave glasgow 

Leave new york 

Leave miami 

Leave chicago 

Definitely leave LA, because there is an adventure 

a plane 

Bus Train School application 

Job application away. 

Leave soul killing jobs 

Leave negative people 

Leave dead relationships 

You are wasting your time 

Your life 

Your talent 

Your love 

Your opportunity 

And with each passing day you slowly lose your shine 

your glow 

your spark 

your fight 

your heart. 

You talk about it all the time. 

Just fucking leave… And find yourself.

See you when I see you....

Stuck

Side Note: I can't reveal full information on here so I apologize if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just venting.

I have so much to say and don't even know where to begin. The only things that are remotely keeping me sane is work and music. When I am alone I feel like I can't breathe. My anxiety levels and emotions are going NUTS. 

I haven't felt like this in a really long time and I don't know what to do except bury myself in a hole and try not to drag everyone else down with me. I know a lot of people think I'm just bitching and I'm "choosing to feel like this" and I just wanna be a "huge downer" all the time, but it's more than that. I don't know how to let this go that easily. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to have this huge negative cloud over me again, but its so hard when the bad outweighs the good. I've gotten rid of it before, I know I can again, it's just going to be a lot harder this time. I think about it everyday, the future, what it all means for me, how everyone thinks about me now, how my whole perception on love and relationships is not the same anymore. It will never be the same anymore... I'm finding some of my closest friends apparently only care about themselves and their own happiness. I can understand the feeling, but damn.. I guess I just didn't expect to be completely ignored and treated like shit. 

I can't sleep.

I can't eat. 

I'm so angry.

angry at God, 

angry at him, 

and I feel like anything can set me off. 

I'm so tired of being harassed. I wish he would stop being fuckin ignorant and just 

tell 

       me 

               what 

           I 

                       need 

to 

          know 

and 

                                         FUCK OFF. 

I've been without my own computer for almost 3wks now. Its killing me. It crashed erasing everything. I had saved a bunch of stuff on my hard drive but not everything.  I can 't do photoshop, I can't upload any of my pictures (and now i have no idea where my camera is and I think someone jacked it), I can't put any of my music from my ipod on there. I cant do ANYTHING I want to.  If I don't find my camera I'm going to loose my mind. If anyone found a nikon s550 at justin & demoes or know of anything whatsoever, PLEASE LET ME KNOW, THAT CAMERA'S MY LIFE. 

I need to go back to to me, taking care of me, and worrying about me. 

I need to think of Chicago, I need to think of all the amazing things I am going to learn, and all of the people I will meet who won't know anything about me. 

I need to let YOU go completely because the reality of it is, all you do is hurt me and you don't even know or care that you're doing it. 

I need to let THIS go. 

I need to breathe again. 

 

Life...lately

I'm a pretty strong believer in karma and I've been having some pretty bad karma lately. Every time I feel like I've reached a good point in my life, I keep getting hit with all of these speed bumps and they continue to bring me down. I don't understand it. I don't understand how God, or even the world works. I know everything happens for a reason but damn.....
Why me?

When Jeff died I told myself I was going to live better, live more like him. I told myself I was going to enjoy every single breathe I take, every sunset, every rainy day, every food I put in my mouth, and everyone I meet. To live each day like it was your last, to dance when you wanna dance, sing even though you're horrible, laugh as much as possible, and love with all your heart.

I guess I just gotta keep trying to stay up and keep goin. The only good thing thats happened thus far was getting accepted into Columbia. It's the only good news I've heard in awhile and maybe that means something more than what I thought it did.


I just wanna get away....







Thanks for all the support, you know who you are, and I can't thank you enough for loving me anyways and not thinking differently of me despite all my flaws.