Digi

Oh Yes.
It's here ladies and gents..FINALLY!

This was totally an impulse buy. As you all know, I've been meaning to get a digital for awhile now. At first, I wanted to wait and get a Canon450 D EOS BUUUUUUT....it's just a little too expensive right now. People keep asking me to take pictures for them and I've been limited to what I can do. I've been eyeing this camera for a couple weeks, (since I see it everyday at work) and yesterday Aaron asked me to take pictures for him and his band at practice and shows, and that just triggered it. I went to best buy and bought it for $176.99. (discounted online price, including $15 off) It was orignally $199.99 everywhere I looked. It has 10 megapixels, 5x zoom, high ISO sensitivity,smile & blink mode, video, and voice recording. BOMB! I also bought a 4GB SD card (only $20!) so this will get me almost 1,000 pictures. Oh yes...I felt that I needed this NOW. =]
I'm really excited about this, you guys have no idea!

Look out for 92497498985791491 pictures on the way!

Rearrange

I'm feeling a little out of it lately. I'll try to write this so whoever reads this can understand it, or better understand me.
My whole mental capacity has been surrounded by nothing but negativity, straight anger, fear, and heart ache, my WHOLE LIFE. Ever since I can remember, I have always assumed the worst possible outcome in every situation. I have always been negative and walked around with a "fuck you" attitude. I have always put everyone else in front of me. I look through my journals and my writings full of everything I ever felt dating back to when I was in the 4th grade, and I am amazed at everything I wrote, and every emotion I felt. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I sit here and wonder why I was like that, why I fell into the same patterns over and over again, and why I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Being this way has caused a lot of people to turn away from me, whether they were my friends, or my lovers. It seems like I hurt the people I love the most and push them away.
Metaphorically speaking, I was on this path. This path lead to a sense of peace, closure, and happiness within myself. The kind of feeling most people don't experience until they're in their 30's, 40's or 50's. It's the kind of feeling like you're on top of the world and nothing can bring you down, like your whole perspective on life is focused on nothing but the good.
I had this feeling for about a month straight. I would wake up with a smile on my face, ready to embrace the day. When something went wrong I told myself everything was going to be ok, and saw the positive out of every situation. It was the best feeling in the world.
Somewhere along this path, I got distracted. I let my fantasies and my emotions and my crazy ideas of love get in the way. I thought that if I could just do everything at once before I left, I would have the ultimate hapiness. I could be the most successful person in the world, doing what I love to do, living the dream, but without love I'm not complete. I always feel like its something I need in my life RIGHT NOW, right this second, all the time, and it's not at all. I am better by myself.
For those of you who think all I want to do is say "fuck you" to Omaha, you're wrong. In the beginning this was the case. I was angry about everything here, and I just wanted to leave. I realized that I don't want to leave without making things right with my family, and my friends. I don't want to leave and regret not doing something or saying something. Who knows when I'll be back. Now all I want to do is enjoy the time I have here, and I don't want my feelings to get in the way of anything.

I need to stop thinking too much about the future.
I need to stop worrying.
I need to stop hoping for something that wasn't ever really there in the first place.
I need to stop fuckin up and get back on my path.
FO REALZ.

I know things won't always be like this. I know I won't always be negative, and I know someday I will achieve everything I want to. I know that one day I will prove everyone wrong about me.

Pray for me.



P.s. If you read this let me know. I wanna know who reads my shit!

Update of current events:

Working this much is really starting to catch up with me. I feel really good waking up and going to a job everyday making money and knowing that I'm doing the right thing right now. At the same time, it's wearing me out (physically and mentally). A few days ago I developed what I thought was a blister on my foot. I thought it was just from my shoes, but it has gotten worse the past 2 days. I worked 8-4, then 6-930 both Thursday and Friday. It's really put a strain on my foot. I was limping both days. Since I've been doing that, its causing a strain on my muscle in my leg that I dont normally use. It hurts really bad. Since I am no longer on my parents insurance, I don't have ANY. Office Max offers some, I'm just waiting on the paper work to go through. Hopefully it is soon because if this keeps up....I could be in trouble with ALLLLL of my jobs.

Housing situation is coming along slowly. We looked at a house on Thursday and fell in love with it. Its only $700 a month for a 4 bedroom, possible 5th, 2 full bath + shower, living room and dining room wood floors, sun room, kitchen, back porch and front. The lease is either a 10month (perfect for me) or a year. We decided to just jump on it and filled out applications yesterday. I went down to fill mine out after work and when I arrived, no one was there. I walked around said, "Hello" a few times and no one answered. Not even 5 mins later their alarm started going off. I didnt know what the fuck to do so I had to stay there so no one would think I was tryin to rob the place. Two cops showed up and asked me questions and ended up being pretty nice and didnt accuse me of anything and really just seemed like they didnt wanna be there. An hr later, the guy showed up and gave me an application and said I could bring it back tomorrow. (After waiting around for an hr I was very impatient) I asked him if I could fill it out now and give it to him and told him that we wanted this house and have the money for the downpayment, and are ready to move in ASAP. He said hes gotten a lot of applications and showing for this house and said we could meet today and go over things. SO were meeting with him today HOPEFULLY (cross your fingers for us!) we will get this house. I really hope this works out. If it doesnt, well have to start all over again and I dont think it'd even be worth it after this month.

Everything else is pretty much in the air. Goin with the flow and ready for whatever comes next. I dont even have time to care about anything except for me and my dream. I havent been smoking or drinking that much at all and its amazing how clear my head is and how clear I see everything around me. I'm not saying those things are bad or anything, but after doing them for so long and living a certain lifestyle and then changing and living the lifestyle without them, its completely different. I dont know if that makes sense to anyone...I just feel really good about everything right now. (Financially, and friend-wise....romantically is a different story)

Enjoy the beautiful day today!

Yann Arthus-Bertrand

Damir sent me a message today that gave me a link to this website.
I found Yann's actual website through there and I was blown away. He started out as an animal photographer, and later turned to aerial photography.
He has produced over 60 books of his landscape photographs taken from helicopters and balloons Yann Arthus-Bertrand's work has often been published in the National Geographic magazine.
His works have both political and aesthetic connotations, and have been exhibited in public spaces all over the world.
In 1991, he founded the Altitude Agency in Paris, a photographic library that specializes in aerial photography. It is the only one of its kind.
In 2000, Arthus-Bertrand created an exhibition with a collection of 100,000 photographs taken in 76 countries which make up his Earth from the Air exhibit. Some of these have been published in his book 365 days: Earth from the Air and exhibited in London, Singapore, Poland, The Netherlands, Finland and elsewhere.
Arthus-Bertrand is a member of the "Académie des Beaux-Arts de l'Institut de France".
One of Arthus-Bertrand's most well-known photographs is of the 'heart' of Voh in Ne Caledonia, which he has used as the cover of several of his books: The Earth from the Air and Earth from Above.
(excert curstey of Wikipedia)

These photographs are amazing. I will do this someday no doubt about it.

Check it out here.

Thoughts on another Level

So I've been listening to a lot of Atmosphere, (all day, everyday that shit is blastin in my car, when I'm gettin ready, or just chillin at home), and I've been having these crazy dreams. The first one I didn't think too much into it. I was at this wearhouse that was close to a dock with the ocean overlooking it. I saw Sean, and then Ant and a bunch of dudes I didnt recognize. I figured they were about to play a show somewhere around there and just kind of walked over and started talking to them. Sean came off exactly how I imagined he would if I ever met him in real life. He was guarded, didnt give a fuck, but sweet at the same time. At first, he talked to me as if I was just another dumb ass girl that wanted his nuts, and then once we started talking more, he talked to me as if I was his friend. I couldnt tell you what we talked about, but I remember feeling like I was talking to someone I'd known forever, as if he were an old friend. He invited me to join them back stage and chill with them after the show. Then I woke up.
Last night.
I had almost the same dream, just a different location. I was in my basement, but it was the basement I knew before it was finished. (Cement floors, wood staircase, and nothing but open space and a rug on the floor). They were playing in my basement, having a full on live show. There wasnt a stage, or anywhere they could really set up their shit so they just put it in the middle of the floor. There was a bunch of people crowded all over the floor. Everyone formed a circle around them and Sean was in the middle with the mic. He was saying something to the effect of loving every minute of your life no matter what happens next. I was in the front, and he started looking me dead in the eye, pointing and smiling. I smiled back and remember feeling such an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. I started to dance and look at him in the eye. He handed the mic off to a random person in the crowd and walked over to me. He instantly put his arm around me and gave me a hug. We started dancing and the same feeling came over me. (That I had known him forever, that this wasnt awkward or weird, that we connected in some way). I felt as though I was drunk, but didnt remember drinking anything. I pulled out my camera phone and said "I want a pic of us on my phone," and he replied saying, "Girl! I want a pic of us on my phone!" and laughed. We started taking a bunch of pictures of eachother, dancing, hugging, and kissing. Before I knew it we were upstairs in my living room. He started to put his hands around my waist and I felt his fingers slip under my jeans on my hip bones. I felt a tingling sensation (like I always do, in general when someone does that) and I remembered I hadn't shaved. (I think you know what I mean here....) I quickly said, "Ooooooooo I will be RIGHT back," and he said, "What? Where are you going?" I immediately saw where this was going to go and I said, "Don't worry, I'll be right back in like...10mins." I quickly ran upstairs to my bathroom. I began shaving as fast as I could. I was so excited and my mind was going crazy with all these thoughts in my head.
6:40 am my alarm goes off.
I try to pretend I dont hear it. I try to go back to sleep, but it's too loud. I immediately get mad and set it for 7:10, shut it off, and lay back down. I shut my eyes and hope that I can slip back into sleep, and back into my dream. I am unsucessful. My mind tries to escape back into it, and it can't.
You have no idea how angry I was. So close to a sex dream.....and it was totally ruined by my alarm clock. AHHHHH!!!

But anyway....


I've been finding myself writing a lot lately. (Mostly ryhmes and poetry) I figure if I don't share my thoughts with as many people anymore, I might as well write what I'm feeling. PLUS when you stand at a register all day and don't have anything to do after cleaning, doing whats asked of you, and finding things to do.......you get bored. It's been constant this whole week, writing at work, writing when I get off work and before I go to sleep. It's awesome because I feel like my old self again. Thats what I used to do alllllllll the time. I would post a bunch of it, but the majority of it is of one subject and I'm trying to move away from that because no one wants to hear the same shit over and over again in different ways. Am I right? But eventually I will find the balls to put it up here. I just get really self concious about it and only let certain people read it.


More to come soon.

Peace and One.

Art through the eyes of Thomas Edward Wharton III

I've known this dude since I was 14, had our share of ups and downs and different lifestlyes, but still kept in touch over the years. I got a chance to talk to him the other night and catch up, reminisce about the past, and share eachothers dreams. He's currently in Georgia, livin the dream, and doin what he loves to do, lookin in to studying in France next year. He's always been an artist ever since I've known him and I FINALLY got a chance to see his portfolio thus far. I was completely blown away. I know I will buy some of his work one day. It's always an amazing feeling to see such passion in someone and what they love to do. Check it out!







This represents an actual story in history (that I dont remember...sorry guys.) against good and evil.




Self portrait.




This is pretty self explanatory, symbolizing everything evil that comes from smoking cigarettes. He said he drew this after he quit smoking for a year.




The right side represents the angry and ignorant people of society and how the mother is afraid to change, that people pass down their ignorance from generation to generation (represents the closed eyes) and how the child is still innocent (eyes open).





He told me this was an abstract of my friend Cherron playing the bass, and how music can put you in a trance.




This one was described as a bad mushroom trip, of a guy sitting in his chair watching the tv.


These last four I didn't get a chance to ask him about, but they are amazing.




This one is BY FAR my favorite one. Look at those colors!!


Enjoy.