I gotta find somewhere else to live.
My mom's kicking me out.
I don't know where she thinks I'm gunna fuckin go. I know I could crash at a couple different places, but I can't afford to live anywhere, and I don't think anyone would let me live with them till I got back on my feet.
Ugh.
I wanna cry.
Fuck this.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Lauryn Hill
This album is AMAZING. I had heard a couple songs, but DAAAAYYYUMMM!
Every song relates to my life in some way or another. I can't get enough of it.
My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away
And life squeezes so tight that I can't breathe
And every time I try to be, what someone else has thought of me
So caught up, I wasn't able to achieve
But deep in my heart, the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to define my own destiny
I look at my environment
And wonder where the fire went
What happened to everything we used to be
I hear so many cry for help
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know his strength is within me
And deep in my heart, the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to define my own destiny
And deep in my heart...
And deep in my heart, the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to define my own destiny
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Dear Omaha,
You have been my home my entire life. You've watched me ride my first bike, see my first stiches, and make my first friend. Everything I was, am and will be, is because of you. You are my backround, my childhood, and some of short lived adulthood.
I've watched myself grow and change so much over the years. It's crazy to look back and think it was just yesterday I was running around with my best girl friends, spying on the neighborhood boys, and blaring our music outside just to be noticed. I was just a kid, full of life, and a million insecurities to come with it.
The first time my heart was broken I was 9. I watched my mom cry for the first time in front of me. Most people think it'll be some boy, or a death in the family, (even though I had my share later on0, but when I saw my mom that hurt, I cried. She was sitting in the bathroom in the kitchen, door closed, with the lights on. I opened the door and asked her what was wrong, and gave her a hug. I remember exactly how her face looked, her eyes watery and puffy, and the way she pulled me closer to her. She said, "I just miss her a lot." I don't know for sure to this day is it was just her mom she was upset about, but to see my mom in that state for the first time was a turning point for me. No one is ever as strong as they appear.
Middle school was the best and worst years of my life. You think everything is crucial to everything. Whether the boy you like is going to say hi to you today, to how you look, to everything you say and do. It was a chance to be silly and have all be all kinds of mixed up on a million different emotions. I wouldn't change anything.
Highschool came and went too fast. Looking back on it now, I can say I had the best time of my life. I had good friends, GREAT friends, the kind of people you wait to meet and when you finally do, you can't believe they actually talk to you. I did aqnd saw a lot of crazy things I would give anything to press rewind and hit play on a random day at school. You spend all of your time hating it, but when its all over, all you wanna do is go back.
Being out of highschool for 2 years now (going on 3), has opened my eyes to a lot of things. People either change and grow up, or they leave themselves to the same shit they've been doin their whole lives. I only talk to a handful of people I graduated with, and I like to think thats for a reason. I've realized that even though you think everything will be the same, nothing is ever the same. You get tired of the same drama, the same issues, the dumb things you thought you escaped from highschool, and you do your own thing.
I saw a lot of old faces I hadn't seen in awhile, and I smiled and said, "Whats up, How are you doin?" to every single one of them. I didn't have any negativity towards anyone, and I get hated on by the majority of the people I thought I didn't have any problems with.
Its a comment here, the sarcastic, "Oh look at me I'm smokin weed," (followed by being ignored the rest of the night), an action there, or a look across the room. It was the girl attached to his hip everytime I entered a room, trying to hurt me in someway that he thinks I'll care, like a 12yr old trying to make me jealous of his new toy. It was the crazy stares from the girl who was intimidated by my very presence of even being there, thinking I'm there to steal the man she doesnt even want, flaunting herself all over every guy there tellin you you got a chance. It was the whispers, the stares that say, "What are you even doing here," the obnoxious immature behavior, the same dumbass girls you sit there and talk shit on, but always seem to find their way the to next party and into the next guys pants.
It's no wonder there's STD's all over here. If you add it up right, everyones hooked up with everyone somehow. You meet people through the people you know already, like highschool. You move on to the next friend, the next girl you've know for awhile, or just met through a friend. It's a cycle that never ends. It just keeps going in a circle.
Omaha, I love you in a sense that you are my home. You will always be there, but right now, I don't like you very much. I will be leaving you sooner than I planned, in a couple of months. At first I will not miss you at all. I just hope that when I come back here, everything won't be the same. I hope that people will have GROWN UP ALREADY. I hope I can appreciate you, but right now I need to leave. I need to find my own way, my own path to myself where everyone here is not attached to me, and doesn't have any connection to me in anyway. Been still tryin to escape the baggage, and I don't even talk to him or them or anyone.
No one probabaly understands where I'm coming from. I'm the only one of my friends who hasn't been out of their house, out of this state, or stayed in a dorm. I've done a good job of isolating myself, and only hanging on to a select group of people. I don't expect anything from anyone anymore. Life is only what you make it, and I'm determined to make it a million times better than this.
It's gotta be.
I've watched myself grow and change so much over the years. It's crazy to look back and think it was just yesterday I was running around with my best girl friends, spying on the neighborhood boys, and blaring our music outside just to be noticed. I was just a kid, full of life, and a million insecurities to come with it.
The first time my heart was broken I was 9. I watched my mom cry for the first time in front of me. Most people think it'll be some boy, or a death in the family, (even though I had my share later on0, but when I saw my mom that hurt, I cried. She was sitting in the bathroom in the kitchen, door closed, with the lights on. I opened the door and asked her what was wrong, and gave her a hug. I remember exactly how her face looked, her eyes watery and puffy, and the way she pulled me closer to her. She said, "I just miss her a lot." I don't know for sure to this day is it was just her mom she was upset about, but to see my mom in that state for the first time was a turning point for me. No one is ever as strong as they appear.
Middle school was the best and worst years of my life. You think everything is crucial to everything. Whether the boy you like is going to say hi to you today, to how you look, to everything you say and do. It was a chance to be silly and have all be all kinds of mixed up on a million different emotions. I wouldn't change anything.
Highschool came and went too fast. Looking back on it now, I can say I had the best time of my life. I had good friends, GREAT friends, the kind of people you wait to meet and when you finally do, you can't believe they actually talk to you. I did aqnd saw a lot of crazy things I would give anything to press rewind and hit play on a random day at school. You spend all of your time hating it, but when its all over, all you wanna do is go back.
Being out of highschool for 2 years now (going on 3), has opened my eyes to a lot of things. People either change and grow up, or they leave themselves to the same shit they've been doin their whole lives. I only talk to a handful of people I graduated with, and I like to think thats for a reason. I've realized that even though you think everything will be the same, nothing is ever the same. You get tired of the same drama, the same issues, the dumb things you thought you escaped from highschool, and you do your own thing.
I saw a lot of old faces I hadn't seen in awhile, and I smiled and said, "Whats up, How are you doin?" to every single one of them. I didn't have any negativity towards anyone, and I get hated on by the majority of the people I thought I didn't have any problems with.
Its a comment here, the sarcastic, "Oh look at me I'm smokin weed," (followed by being ignored the rest of the night), an action there, or a look across the room. It was the girl attached to his hip everytime I entered a room, trying to hurt me in someway that he thinks I'll care, like a 12yr old trying to make me jealous of his new toy. It was the crazy stares from the girl who was intimidated by my very presence of even being there, thinking I'm there to steal the man she doesnt even want, flaunting herself all over every guy there tellin you you got a chance. It was the whispers, the stares that say, "What are you even doing here," the obnoxious immature behavior, the same dumbass girls you sit there and talk shit on, but always seem to find their way the to next party and into the next guys pants.
It's no wonder there's STD's all over here. If you add it up right, everyones hooked up with everyone somehow. You meet people through the people you know already, like highschool. You move on to the next friend, the next girl you've know for awhile, or just met through a friend. It's a cycle that never ends. It just keeps going in a circle.
Omaha, I love you in a sense that you are my home. You will always be there, but right now, I don't like you very much. I will be leaving you sooner than I planned, in a couple of months. At first I will not miss you at all. I just hope that when I come back here, everything won't be the same. I hope that people will have GROWN UP ALREADY. I hope I can appreciate you, but right now I need to leave. I need to find my own way, my own path to myself where everyone here is not attached to me, and doesn't have any connection to me in anyway. Been still tryin to escape the baggage, and I don't even talk to him or them or anyone.
No one probabaly understands where I'm coming from. I'm the only one of my friends who hasn't been out of their house, out of this state, or stayed in a dorm. I've done a good job of isolating myself, and only hanging on to a select group of people. I don't expect anything from anyone anymore. Life is only what you make it, and I'm determined to make it a million times better than this.
It's gotta be.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Viral Infection?
Experimenting with drugs has never really been my forte. I never smoked weed until I was 17, and even then was afraid to do it. I don't believe in peer pressure. I think that everyone makes their own choices, regardless of what anyone says. No one has control over you, except you. I've been around a lot of drugs, the majority of them right in front of my face, watching other people do them. It didn't ever phase me. It wasn't something I was interested in (and still not.) Almost everyone I know has done some kind of drug outside of weed, whether it be from popping pills to coke, or even meth.
On Tuesday night I was feeling a little better from feeling slightly sick and decided to go out with Devin. We went to some kid's house and played a round of beer pong, and drank a little. I had about 3-4 beers in me and I was feeling amazing. I haven't been drinking a lot lately, so it went straight to my head. Devin's friend asked me a question I'd heard a million times before, "You wanna do extacy tonight?" My immediate answer was no, of course. But then I hesitated. I started asking them all kinds of questions about it, told them I was scared to do it, but wanted to try it someday. Devin's friend replied with, "Well I know where we can get it right now if you want to, we can go back to my place and just chill." The kid's place we were at was kind of lame. Everyone sat around the t.v. stoned out of their minds watching the news. No one was talking to anyone.
I decided to just go for it. I was nervous, but I got it in my head that I was going to do it. We met up with someone on 120th & center and got it. They got 7 different ones, 2 yellow, 1 orange, and 4 blue. They told me to take a yellow one because they were the least strongest. Devin took the same with me. We got back to his friends house, and I didn't feel anything. They said it would probably take awhile to kick in, and that when it did, I would know.
Half hour went by, and I still didn't feel anything. Devin and I shared an orange one, each taking half. Another half hour went by, and I started to feel sick. I ran to the bahtroom and lay my head on the toilet. I thought I was going to puke, for sure, and Devin came in the bathroom with me. He told I was going to puke, that my body just wasnt used to it, and it was adjusting. I started to get really hot, and feel really sick. Devin stayed in the bathroom with me for a good hour until I felt ok.
When I came out I just felt really high, like a marijuana high, only more intesnse. My body felt numb, but my mind was focused. After a lot of deep conversations, and 4hours later, it was 6am. I had to go home. We were on 60th & L and I knew if I didn't go home soon, my mom was going to freak out.
After arriving home, I went straight to my bed after hearing a "Jesus Christ Christine," from my mom. I lay in bed, and tried to sleep. Sleep didn't come. I waited an hr and a half till everyone left the house before I got up to go to bathroom, trying to get it out my system. Nothing worked. I couldn't puke, I couldn't poop, and worst of all I couldn't sleep. I lay awake in my bed for 6hrs, staring at the fan on my ceiling. I wasn't hungry, all I could do was drink water.
I stayed awake for a total of 34hrs straight. My whole body felt like it was asleep, by my mind wouldn't shut off. It was the worst feeling I've ever had.
The majority of this continued until today. I was able to sleep, but my appetite was completely gone. Nothing sounded good, and anything that I did eat, I either pooped it out, or it made me really nauseous. I feel like I'm wasting away. I've lost so much weight the past couple of days, I'm pale as fuck, and I look like death is waiting for me.
Yesterday I went to the doctor, told her everything, and she said, "It sounds like you have some kid of viral infection." She gave me some immodium a.d and some anti nausea pills. So far, I've been ok. I found out I shouldn't smoke while I'm on either of these. Apparently the anti-nausea pills make you drowsy as is, and I passed out around 10 last night. I feel better today than any other day, but I just gotta take it one day at a time. Hopefully I don't have to close tonight, otherwise I'll prolly pass out and die of pushing my body too much.
Lesson learned.
On Tuesday night I was feeling a little better from feeling slightly sick and decided to go out with Devin. We went to some kid's house and played a round of beer pong, and drank a little. I had about 3-4 beers in me and I was feeling amazing. I haven't been drinking a lot lately, so it went straight to my head. Devin's friend asked me a question I'd heard a million times before, "You wanna do extacy tonight?" My immediate answer was no, of course. But then I hesitated. I started asking them all kinds of questions about it, told them I was scared to do it, but wanted to try it someday. Devin's friend replied with, "Well I know where we can get it right now if you want to, we can go back to my place and just chill." The kid's place we were at was kind of lame. Everyone sat around the t.v. stoned out of their minds watching the news. No one was talking to anyone.
I decided to just go for it. I was nervous, but I got it in my head that I was going to do it. We met up with someone on 120th & center and got it. They got 7 different ones, 2 yellow, 1 orange, and 4 blue. They told me to take a yellow one because they were the least strongest. Devin took the same with me. We got back to his friends house, and I didn't feel anything. They said it would probably take awhile to kick in, and that when it did, I would know.
Half hour went by, and I still didn't feel anything. Devin and I shared an orange one, each taking half. Another half hour went by, and I started to feel sick. I ran to the bahtroom and lay my head on the toilet. I thought I was going to puke, for sure, and Devin came in the bathroom with me. He told I was going to puke, that my body just wasnt used to it, and it was adjusting. I started to get really hot, and feel really sick. Devin stayed in the bathroom with me for a good hour until I felt ok.
When I came out I just felt really high, like a marijuana high, only more intesnse. My body felt numb, but my mind was focused. After a lot of deep conversations, and 4hours later, it was 6am. I had to go home. We were on 60th & L and I knew if I didn't go home soon, my mom was going to freak out.
After arriving home, I went straight to my bed after hearing a "Jesus Christ Christine," from my mom. I lay in bed, and tried to sleep. Sleep didn't come. I waited an hr and a half till everyone left the house before I got up to go to bathroom, trying to get it out my system. Nothing worked. I couldn't puke, I couldn't poop, and worst of all I couldn't sleep. I lay awake in my bed for 6hrs, staring at the fan on my ceiling. I wasn't hungry, all I could do was drink water.
I stayed awake for a total of 34hrs straight. My whole body felt like it was asleep, by my mind wouldn't shut off. It was the worst feeling I've ever had.
The majority of this continued until today. I was able to sleep, but my appetite was completely gone. Nothing sounded good, and anything that I did eat, I either pooped it out, or it made me really nauseous. I feel like I'm wasting away. I've lost so much weight the past couple of days, I'm pale as fuck, and I look like death is waiting for me.
Yesterday I went to the doctor, told her everything, and she said, "It sounds like you have some kid of viral infection." She gave me some immodium a.d and some anti nausea pills. So far, I've been ok. I found out I shouldn't smoke while I'm on either of these. Apparently the anti-nausea pills make you drowsy as is, and I passed out around 10 last night. I feel better today than any other day, but I just gotta take it one day at a time. Hopefully I don't have to close tonight, otherwise I'll prolly pass out and die of pushing my body too much.
Lesson learned.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
.......
The thing about Omaha is.....it's small,
people talk.
All I have to say is...
JUST.
DO.
IT.
ALREADY.
people talk.
All I have to say is...
JUST.
DO.
IT.
ALREADY.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Bitchin
I don't have a lot of friends because I don't like a lot of people.
It's hard for me to trust.
It's hard for me to open up.
I lose touch with people because I push them away.
The friends that I do have are not exactly down for anything and everything.
This leaves me home alone not doing anything I want to do.
Is ANYONE for real anymore? Damn..
I want new friends.
I'm tired of the same shit.
I'm tired of being there for people anytime, anywhere, and getting nothing in return.
What the fuck is my purpose?
What about ME?
What about what I WANT?
I'm gunna start living by me. If no one else wants to do it, fuck it. IM gunna do it. If I have to go by myself, fuck it. I'll do it. Who says you can't have fun by yourself, right?
It's hard for me to trust.
It's hard for me to open up.
I lose touch with people because I push them away.
The friends that I do have are not exactly down for anything and everything.
This leaves me home alone not doing anything I want to do.
Is ANYONE for real anymore? Damn..
I want new friends.
I'm tired of the same shit.
I'm tired of being there for people anytime, anywhere, and getting nothing in return.
What the fuck is my purpose?
What about ME?
What about what I WANT?
I'm gunna start living by me. If no one else wants to do it, fuck it. IM gunna do it. If I have to go by myself, fuck it. I'll do it. Who says you can't have fun by yourself, right?
Monday, August 11, 2008
New
I got the pics from my teacher today in class from the Painting with Light project. The above image is my favorite. I got a lot of positive feedback that made me feel really good! I don't have a digital still, so he let me borrow his and take the majority of the pics. It was really sweet. We went all the way out to Underwood, IA in the middle of no where on this girl from my class' barn. It was huge! She had geese, pigs, cows, chickens, and horses. It was really awesome, and the prefect place to take those pictures. We stayed out there till damn near 1:30 am! Go check em out on my myspace and/or facebook. I'll defenetially be experimenting with this more. (Once I can round up some lights and filters) So if anyone has any l.e.d lights, strobe lights, big massive studio lights, spot lights, glow sticks, sparkles, WHATEVER......If I could borrow them that'd be awesome!
peace and love
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Stressssss es es es es
I'm freakin out and this isn't even the start of whats to come. I put in 30hrs this week at gap. Been there everyday, workin my ass off with new shipment and visuals. It's helpin me wake up earlier and prepare my body for that, so thats good, but DAMN!
Got an interview tom with Convergys. Hopefully...they don't drug test me on the spot, but if they do, hopefully...niacin will work and I'll be good. I'll prolly have another interview with Cox sometime next week too. At this point, I don't think I'm gunna find anything that pays $10 or more besides places like that, and answering phones all day. It sucks, but I gotta do it. Gotta get that moneeey! My life's gunna be completely consumed by work 7 days a week. What else I gotta do? NOOOOTHINNN!!!
On top of all that....Brandon is just adding to it. Exactly what I don't need in my life right now. I don't need someone being all clingy and having all these expectations of me and how I should act. He thinks I treat him like shit, and well...he's right. I just don't care. If I sit there and tell you straight up how the situation is, you can't really expect a whole lot from me. When I got really drunk one night a couple weeks ago, I came home and broke down. Brandon was blowin up my phone and I couldn't take it. I can't even hold hands, kiss, or cuddle, or do ANYTHING without thinking about the past.
I'm trying to separate myself completely and not make it any worse then it already is, and he won't leave me alone. He's a good guy, treats me right, puts me first and everything, but I don't feel anything towards him.
He's not you.
GRRRRRR >=(
Got an interview tom with Convergys. Hopefully...they don't drug test me on the spot, but if they do, hopefully...niacin will work and I'll be good. I'll prolly have another interview with Cox sometime next week too. At this point, I don't think I'm gunna find anything that pays $10 or more besides places like that, and answering phones all day. It sucks, but I gotta do it. Gotta get that moneeey! My life's gunna be completely consumed by work 7 days a week. What else I gotta do? NOOOOTHINNN!!!
On top of all that....Brandon is just adding to it. Exactly what I don't need in my life right now. I don't need someone being all clingy and having all these expectations of me and how I should act. He thinks I treat him like shit, and well...he's right. I just don't care. If I sit there and tell you straight up how the situation is, you can't really expect a whole lot from me. When I got really drunk one night a couple weeks ago, I came home and broke down. Brandon was blowin up my phone and I couldn't take it. I can't even hold hands, kiss, or cuddle, or do ANYTHING without thinking about the past.
I'm trying to separate myself completely and not make it any worse then it already is, and he won't leave me alone. He's a good guy, treats me right, puts me first and everything, but I don't feel anything towards him.
He's not you.
GRRRRRR >=(
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