"Do I look fat in these jeans?"

It's taken me awhile to actually sit down and write this specific blog. And it's not because I'm targeting one person in particular or because I'm angry in anyway, but because I want you to hopefully see where I'm coming from. 

I've been hanging out with a lot of girls the past couple months. At first this was really uncomfortable for me, and I was socially awkward. (Considering, of course, the last 4 years of my life have revolved around nothing but loud music, and sweaty dudes sitting around talking about how fine the girl that just walked down the street is.) I had no idea what to talk about, or how to even begin to relate to their everyday insecurities and drama filled lives. Everything was a competition, and somehow no one ever won. 

Growing up, I was always the tall, sickly skinny blonde chik who had braces, wore huge glasses and was always stuck in a book. The only thing I can really remember being insecure about, looks-wise, was my face. (Acne took over and planted itself everywhere) Being 13, I didn't have much else to care about, (besides the fact that I wanted huge boobs so guys would like me), so I never really worried about anything else on the outside. I was more scared of the things I said, and how I acted. 

When high school hit, I had a whole world of insecurities (just like everyone else). When I transfered to Millard North for the first time, I had a problem arise that I had never been faced with: Life without uniforms. Suddenly I could wear whatever I wanted to school, and in girl world this just meant who could wear the best jeans, the best shirt, the best shoes, and even breaking it down to who had the best backpack with the best school supplies to match it. Everything was a constant competition. It was like thriving off of compliments everyday so you could prove to yourself that you were in fact "stylish and cool." I also couldn't and didn't feel the need to say things like, "Ugh, my thighs are huge" and "Look at my rolls, they're so gross." (Because we know if I did, people would think I was actually in fact, annorexic.)

As I started attending Metro the fall after I graduated high school, I started learning a lot on this subject. Upon talking about expectations women hold, I announced to my class that I in fact only had 3 good girl friends, and all the rest were guys. My English teacher asked me once, "Why do you think it is you have more guy friends than girl friends?" I told her what I knew from my experiences, that girls tend to be very judgemental, dramatic, and obsessed with how they look. When you're in a room full of guys all the time, they're most likely not going to care what you look like. Besides, if you're attractive and you're the only girl in the room, what do you have to be insecure about? More power to you, right? 

In most ways I think this is why I wasn't your average insecure girl. I never obsessed about the way I looked, because I didn't have any reason to. I never had a girl constantly with me to remind me everyday that I was pretty, to tell me that those jeans don't look good one me, that my hair's beautiful, or that outfits just not me. I based my judgement on myself, by me. (I don't understand why you need me to constantly tell you if you look good or not.) Someone can tell you a million times you're beautiful or that dress looks good on you, but if you can't look in the mirror and say "Damn, I look good" by yourself every once in awhile, you're better off not even looking in the mirror to begin with. It's true you can change the way you look (whether it be working out everyday to gettin boob jobs) but if you don't make any effort to do so, no one wants to hear you bitch about it. 

This is where the confusion lies when I say things like this because I come off as some cocky bitch that thinks she's hot shit. Believe it or not, I'm not. Yes I am confident in the way I look the majority of the time, but that doesn't mean I don't have other insecurities on the inside as well. Everyone has SOMETHING their insecure about, it's just how we were made. It's all about how you choose to look at it. 

Here lies my problem: I've found myself slowly turning into the girls I despise. Because after all, it's easy to be THAT girl. All you have to do is gossip all the time, talk shit about everyone, and talk about how much you hate yourself and the way you look.  It's so annoying.....

I don't enjoy talking shit on other people.

I don't live for the thrill of telling someone someone said this, and someone did this. 

I don't care to hear over and over again about how shitty some guy treats you, when you let him do it. 

I don't care who's fucking who.

I'm not going to base my opinion on someone you know by your opinion, and I'm not going to be a bitch to them just because you don't like them. 

I DON'T LIKE DRAMA. 

Is it the pressure of being like every other crazy dramatic and sensitive girl, or is it the girls I hang out with? 

What do I do? This isn't me....