This feelin in me.....

I've been in a really weird state of mind the past couple weeks. My life has become so repetitive.

Work in the morning.
Come home.
See the roomates for maybe an hour or so,
and then
I
am
alone.

I used to enjoy this a lot when I was at my parents house, but now it's becoming depressing. I dont know if its the weather, or my attitude, but I haven't felt like doing anything. In fact, I haven't been feeling much of anything except alone. Sometimes I feel like I might scream , or cry, or just go crazy. It gets so intense that I reach out to people and things and vises that are never good for me. I can't stand it. I just want love. I want it like I had before, I want it so bad. It makes everything else seem bearable.


Then the weekend comes and I'm so excited it's here that all I want to do is get drunk. Let me tell you something....I'm tired of getting drunk. I'm tired of the bar scene, and I'm tired of the random parties filled with people I've never seen before in my life.
For the most part, I've tried to stay pretty positive about everything I do and my outlook on life in general, but lately....it's become harder.
The real world has hit me like a ton of bricks, and I didn't even see it coming. Everyday is a struggle.

This is your life,
you go to a job you hate just so you can pay the bills,
so you can put food in your stomache and gas in your car,
This is your life,
you go to sleep alone,
and you wake up alone.
This is your life,
and its happening right now.

Everyday that goes by, I want to leave more and more. I need a fresh start. I need something new.

I can't stand it when I go to hang out with old friends and the same shit happens. Somehow it always ends back to the same thing....the past. I sit there and listen to them talk to shit about the same person everyones been talkin shit about for years, but they don't do anything about it, and always seem to continue to associate themselves with him. Then there's always the drunk guy that spits out anything and everything and relates it back to me, brings me up like this shit happened yesterday. It's so annoying.

It used to bother me really bad and I stayed away from it and it didn't phase me, but for some reason it always come back to the same shit...
every
time.




I want to be ok again.