Stuck

Side Note: I can't reveal full information on here so I apologize if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just venting.

I have so much to say and don't even know where to begin. The only things that are remotely keeping me sane is work and music. When I am alone I feel like I can't breathe. My anxiety levels and emotions are going NUTS. 

I haven't felt like this in a really long time and I don't know what to do except bury myself in a hole and try not to drag everyone else down with me. I know a lot of people think I'm just bitching and I'm "choosing to feel like this" and I just wanna be a "huge downer" all the time, but it's more than that. I don't know how to let this go that easily. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to have this huge negative cloud over me again, but its so hard when the bad outweighs the good. I've gotten rid of it before, I know I can again, it's just going to be a lot harder this time. I think about it everyday, the future, what it all means for me, how everyone thinks about me now, how my whole perception on love and relationships is not the same anymore. It will never be the same anymore... I'm finding some of my closest friends apparently only care about themselves and their own happiness. I can understand the feeling, but damn.. I guess I just didn't expect to be completely ignored and treated like shit. 

I can't sleep.

I can't eat. 

I'm so angry.

angry at God, 

angry at him, 

and I feel like anything can set me off. 

I'm so tired of being harassed. I wish he would stop being fuckin ignorant and just 

tell 

       me 

               what 

           I 

                       need 

to 

          know 

and 

                                         FUCK OFF. 

I've been without my own computer for almost 3wks now. Its killing me. It crashed erasing everything. I had saved a bunch of stuff on my hard drive but not everything.  I can 't do photoshop, I can't upload any of my pictures (and now i have no idea where my camera is and I think someone jacked it), I can't put any of my music from my ipod on there. I cant do ANYTHING I want to.  If I don't find my camera I'm going to loose my mind. If anyone found a nikon s550 at justin & demoes or know of anything whatsoever, PLEASE LET ME KNOW, THAT CAMERA'S MY LIFE. 

I need to go back to to me, taking care of me, and worrying about me. 

I need to think of Chicago, I need to think of all the amazing things I am going to learn, and all of the people I will meet who won't know anything about me. 

I need to let YOU go completely because the reality of it is, all you do is hurt me and you don't even know or care that you're doing it. 

I need to let THIS go. 

I need to breathe again.