When you were younger, did you ever think that this is where you would be? That this would be your life? That each decision, each embrace, and each path would lead you straight to here, to this very moment? Don't get me wrong, I don't despise or regret anything I've done thus far, but sometimes I wonder if it's really freedom of choice, or if God has some mysterious plan for all of us.
I just got done watching the season final of Taking the Stage. I haven't seen all of the episodes, but have a pretty good idea of what's going on. Even though I despise MTV with a passion, this show seriously inspires me. These kids are in high school and they go to a fuckin amazing art school in Cincinnati and they're unbelievably talented. They literally blow my mind. It makes me want to dance my heart out everytime I watch it. I can remember when I was 5 years old when my mom took me to a small dance studio called Milldred Collins by Nobbies on 120th & center. My mom lifted me up so I could see the dancers in the window. She asked me if I wanted do that, if I wanted to be one of those ballerinas, standing in a row holding on to the bar with their arms stretched open wide. I remember shaking my head up and down, and not saying anything. I can still envision it in my head like it was yesterday. From then on, my life was completely dedicated to dance until my senior year of high school. From the practice, to the costumes, the make-up, the rehearsals, the recitals, the blazing lights, and the crowd full of people waiting to watch you. I loved it. I couldn't tell you exactly what happened, or why I became so self conscious about it and stopped. I watch that show and it touches my heart in a way I can't explain. I really miss it.
This is really random, but one of my uncles died when I was in middle school. He was one of my mom's brothers. She always told me that he had so much potential, that he could be whatever he wanted, a fuckin comedian, a musician, an actor, or anything. She talked about him like he was some secret genius that had the world at his feet, but no where to stand. I can remember telling myself that I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to regret not doing something, or not fulfilling my potential. I still feel like this, I just lack the motivation and I don't know why. I don't know how, or why I lost it.
When I went to visit Columbia for the first time, I felt like I was home. I felt like all of my dreams, and my desires were just waiting to come true. I stepped into the dark rooms, the photography rooms, and the open dance studios, and I just wanted to do everything all at once. I'm excited and anxious for next fall, but I'm scared out of my mind. I have this feeling, the crazy assumption that once I go there everything will be ok, everything will work out the way I want it to, but.....what if it doesn't? What if I'm just running away from everything here? I hope that's not it. I don't think it is, but sometimes I feel like all I want to do is get away and start a new life. I have the chance to go to this amazing school, to fulfill everything I've always wanted to do, but if I lack the motivation, and don't have confidence in myself and my dreams, where does that lead me?
Here.
Stuck.
So what do I do? How do I get it back? When will I finally do all of things I want to?
The real world got in the way.
The jobs. The rent. The food. The gas. The bills. The car. The doctors. The medicine. The bad influences. The weed. The alcohol. The drugs. The bars. The negative environments. The bad relationships. The insurance. The government.
I'm just rambling. I've been alone for too long I think. I'm the only one here all the time, by myself. Neil's always at Autumns, Dobel's always at Shawn's, and Jade moved out last week. Basically, I wake up alone, come home after work, and have the whole house to myself again. It's crazy. At first it kinda creeped me out. I'd get scared randomly, hear things, and think it was something or someone it wasn't. It's kinda weird having no one to come home to, to rely solely on yourself. It's super lonely, but I've realized that I could manage. I'm content coming home and making myself some dinner, watching a movie, painting, listening to music, and fuckin around on photoshop. It makes me feel stronger everyday. I know some people might find that odd, but it makes me feel like I'm growing. Lately though, it's been making me super lonely. More so than often I wish someone would just come chill with me. I'm not really the life of the party during the week, and most people are down the street, but I'm too lazy to go anywhere or be around certain people I don't really care to be around. A part of me still feels like everyone came together, and I am still on the outside for some reason, stuck in limbo. I know I shouldn't feel like that and have no reason to because a lot of people have been trying to be-friend me and get to know me and I haven't really made the effort to do the same. I don't know why.
I think I'm going to be done with this crazy rant. I have to work 12hrs tomorrow, and I need sleep desperately. Even when I get it, I still don't feel like it's enough. I fall into these crazy deep sleeps and have dreams and when I wake, I just want to keep dreaming. I feel like they're trying to tell me something, whether its just my subconscious, or something spiritual or whatever it is. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy.
I'm probably crazy...
Night.
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