Mixed Emotions

I feel like I've been hanging out with old friends this whole week. I thought things would be weird between, but they're not at all. I've come to realize that no matter how long I don't talk to those people, we can still pick up where we left off.
I got to see Emily, Steph, and Karlee on Tues. Unfortunately, Dobel had a test and wasn't able to come. They all came over to my house and we drank boxed wine and talked about our lives now, as well as a bunch of memories. My mom came down right after Karlee came in with the wine. I said, "Its just wine, mom," and she said "I know, but just don't be going outside or anything." I think my mom was just happy to see me with them, (and the fact that she loves all of them), that she didn't care at all, and went back upstairs. I drug out the home videos we used to make of us driving around stalking boys, or just hanging out in my backyard in the summer. I haven't laughed that much in so long. It was the best feeling ever. It wasn't the same without Dobel though. I missed them. There was a lot of drama between all of us, but I wouldn't change anything.
The next day I just went back into the same state of mind I've been in for a couple days. I keep getting so down, and so negative about everything. I hate being this way, but it's like my mind refuses to see anything positive about my life right now. I can't concentrate in school, I'm the only one on the floor at work most of the time, and when I'm at home, I'm more alone than ever, and I feel like I'm going to explode. I like being alone sometimes, but not now. All I do is think about the same things that I'm tired of thinking about. I'm so tired, angry, confused and hurt.
Today I realized that no ones going to take care of me, or love me, or treat me the way I should be treated, except me. I can't rely on other people for anything anymore, I have to rely on myself. It's time for me to be selfish for once in my life and say fuck everyone else.