Change

It's something constant, something that happens all the time. It's growth, hurt, despair, grief, independence, realization, faith, and a learning experience for the soul and mind. Sometimes it's a good thing, and sometimes it's a bad thing. Sometimes it's people you know, their lifestlyes, habits, music, and thoughts, or sometimes its your personally. People grow and learn new things. People move on, get new friends, and nothing is ever the same.

For me, change has always be a constant thing in my life. I rarely ever keep the same friends, or stick around the same crowd of people. I don't know why this is, but it is something that I have always done. I hang out with a group of people for a certain amount of time. It could be weeks, months, or years, but sooner or later we all drift apart into our own seperate friends, our own seperate lives.

I've always had very different groups and types of friends. When I try to bring them all together, it never works out. They don't always like eachother, or just plain don't get along. I can still remember my 17th birthday party the year after transfering to Millard North. I threw a typical party in my basement, and invited everyone I knew from Skutt and from Millard North. They were all separated. Skutt on the left, Millard North on the right. I didn't know what to do. I had to keep going back and forth through crowds. Rosie and Shanae helped me do this, and tried to get everyone to talk to everyone, but it didn't work out. I don't know why this has always been the case, or what that says about my personality, but it's really frustrating sometimes.
I've been realizing that my life is yet to make another turn before I go to Chicago. This summer won't even be 50% of what last summer was. I'm going to be busy as fuck, working, goin to class, and takin a ballet & pointe class. Right now I usually only get one day off a week. I probably won't see half the people I hung out with everyday last summer. It's not just that I'm busy, but it doesn't even feel the same anymore. They don't even try to hang out with me or invite me to do anything. A part of me saw this coming but didn;t want to believe it I guess. But then again I think, maybe its me. Maybe I've changed and grown up faster than they have.

I got to hang out with Kurt, Jeremy, Matt, Andrew A, and some kids I didn't know for the first time the other night since summer has started. It didn't even feel the same anymore. I barely said anything the whole night, just listening to them talk about all the things they're going to do this summer that doesn't include me in any way. I won't get to swim in the lake, watch fireworks on the 4th, make fun of dumb ass hos, go to Rock the bells, smoke with everyone, go to the same parties, be at Keith's everyday, or just sit there and listen to all of them jam. It makes me sad, but eventually I knew it would happen.

I was so worried and trippin about Keith coming back here, and for what? I miss him like crazy, but what does it matter anymore? I have no control over anything that happens, and if I'm not going to be around him or his friends, what am I trippin about? I know I'll see them ocassionally, but it just won't be the same. I'm done trying to hang out with them. Half the time they blow me off anyway, and if they never call to hang out in the first place, why try? I don't know why I was freakin out about all of this. It's not like anythings going to change when Keith moves back here.

I'm slowly going through a realization that there is going to be nothing left here for me in Omaha. (with the exception of my family and Shanae). I rarely hang out with anyone here as it is, so maybe it'll help me let go easier next year. I dont know what's in store for the future, but I can't sit here and think about every possible outcome and stress myself out over it.

Things are going to change no matter what.