Rearrange

I'm feeling a little out of it lately. I'll try to write this so whoever reads this can understand it, or better understand me.
My whole mental capacity has been surrounded by nothing but negativity, straight anger, fear, and heart ache, my WHOLE LIFE. Ever since I can remember, I have always assumed the worst possible outcome in every situation. I have always been negative and walked around with a "fuck you" attitude. I have always put everyone else in front of me. I look through my journals and my writings full of everything I ever felt dating back to when I was in the 4th grade, and I am amazed at everything I wrote, and every emotion I felt. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I sit here and wonder why I was like that, why I fell into the same patterns over and over again, and why I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Being this way has caused a lot of people to turn away from me, whether they were my friends, or my lovers. It seems like I hurt the people I love the most and push them away.
Metaphorically speaking, I was on this path. This path lead to a sense of peace, closure, and happiness within myself. The kind of feeling most people don't experience until they're in their 30's, 40's or 50's. It's the kind of feeling like you're on top of the world and nothing can bring you down, like your whole perspective on life is focused on nothing but the good.
I had this feeling for about a month straight. I would wake up with a smile on my face, ready to embrace the day. When something went wrong I told myself everything was going to be ok, and saw the positive out of every situation. It was the best feeling in the world.
Somewhere along this path, I got distracted. I let my fantasies and my emotions and my crazy ideas of love get in the way. I thought that if I could just do everything at once before I left, I would have the ultimate hapiness. I could be the most successful person in the world, doing what I love to do, living the dream, but without love I'm not complete. I always feel like its something I need in my life RIGHT NOW, right this second, all the time, and it's not at all. I am better by myself.
For those of you who think all I want to do is say "fuck you" to Omaha, you're wrong. In the beginning this was the case. I was angry about everything here, and I just wanted to leave. I realized that I don't want to leave without making things right with my family, and my friends. I don't want to leave and regret not doing something or saying something. Who knows when I'll be back. Now all I want to do is enjoy the time I have here, and I don't want my feelings to get in the way of anything.

I need to stop thinking too much about the future.
I need to stop worrying.
I need to stop hoping for something that wasn't ever really there in the first place.
I need to stop fuckin up and get back on my path.
FO REALZ.

I know things won't always be like this. I know I won't always be negative, and I know someday I will achieve everything I want to. I know that one day I will prove everyone wrong about me.

Pray for me.



P.s. If you read this let me know. I wanna know who reads my shit!