The Positive & The Negative

It's almost 3 am. Usually I'm awake at this time every night, but tonight I wanted to try to go to bed early. For some reason, this almost never works. I shut off the t.v. at 1:50 am and have been tossing and turning until now.
My mind is racing. I'm thinking about the people I work with, how my manager is trying to come up with excuses for me to leave and why. I'm thinking about how I'm going to take portraits, things I need to get done this week, everything Shanae and I talked about earlier, and Keith.
I've been having a lot of time to myself, trying to figure out me, and why I say, think, and do the things I do. I've noticed that I am a very negative person who has a lot of built up anger and frustration. I feel as though I'm trying to come out of my cage, and taking baby steps. I don't know who I am, and that's whats so frustrating to me. I feel like I'm both of my parents personalities (complete opposites) smashed into one, and it's hard to know which one I am because I feel like I can't be both.
I think I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist, for real this time. In grade school, and high school, I don't think I really got what I needed. I need to know how to gain confidence, and how to turn my negatives into positives, and how to deal with my anger properly instead of letting it build up until I feel like I'm going to explode. I need to learn how to get motivated, to stand up for myself, and something I believe it. I need to know why I put myself in the craziest relationships and try to make them work. Most of all, I just need someone to talk to. If all they do is try to put me on a bunch of drugs, I'm out. I don't believe they do anything for me. Maybe I haven't been on a high enough dose, but when I was on them in high school it helped for about a year, and then I was right back to cutting myself and getting really depressed all over again. All they do is make me numb. I don't want to be numb, it's the worst feeling in the world. I can't get excited or really sad about anything.
I have had the most negative attitude my whole life. I go to sleep thinking I don't want to do anything tomorrow, that I won't want to wake up, and when I actually do wake up, my first thought is exactly that. The only time I have a positive thought in my head is when someone tells me something positive, or when I excited about something I enjoy doing. It's not exactly the best way to live, and I've been doing it ever since grade school, and I don't know how to stop. I can say its because of this and this and this, but in all actuality, it's me and the way I think. I want to change that. I don't want to complain about everything everyday, and let every negative thing said or done to me affect me in such a way that I beat up on myself because of it. I don't want to immediately jump to the negative. It shouldn't be like that.
Wow....I'm sorry I'm getting all deep and shit. I think I'm gunna stop now.
3:24 am....=/