I feel...

I feel like I'm in a really weird state of mind lately. The weathers been shitty and it sucks. It rained all day on Thursday. The one day I had off, and it rained, and was really depressing outside. I tried to keep myself busy though. I feel like I'm constantly doing things all the time now. If I'm not working, I'm cleaning, doing laundry, taking pictures, developing pictures, running errands, and buyin shit I don't really need. I guess I tend to do that though, make myself busy all the time, so I don't have to sit here and think about everything that sucks right now.
I think it's gotten worse at my house. None of us are ever here all at the same time. My sister will be with Tyler or at work, my mom and dad at work, and that leaves me waking up to an empty house everyday. Whenever we get home, we all do our own thing. My sister sits in her room with the door closed, my dad watchin some show in the living room, while my mom watches the same fuckin show in her room, and me sittin in the basement watchin tv. When I got back from Minnesota, I wanted to try really hard to bring us together, but no matter what I do, it's not working. It's like we don't know how to talk to eachother. I try to hang out with my sister and talk to her, but it's just weird for some reason. It shouldn't be, she's my sister, but it is, and it sucks. It just makes me feel so alone. I don't know how much more I can take of it. I need someone to show me they care, on a daily basis. Maybe that's hard to understand for some people, why I act the way I do, why I get angry about things like that in my relationships with my friends and lovers, it's how I am. I don't know how to change it.
I haven't talked to Keith in almost a month now. It's a really weird feeling. I think this is probably the longest I haven't talked to him. I'm not sure how I feel about it. A part of me thinks this is stupid and I just want to call him, but another part of me is still angry, and hurt to the point where I don't want to talk to him, or know anything about him. He said one of the most hurtful things he could say to me, and he knew it, and he said hes moving on but I don't feel any different than before. My mind hasn't registered that yet I don't think, but I have to do the same. It's gunna be so hard, and part of me thinks that no matter what I do, a part of me will never move on. I'm trying, slowly.
I need to find a job asap. Summer is almost here and I need to have a job lined up. I don't know what to do. If I don't find anything that pays at least $10, I'll have to go back to serving. I really don't want to do that, but I know I'll make bank if I do. I just need to get out there ad apply already. I only work Friday and Saturday next, how weak is that? I don't understand why they keep givin me a bunch of hours one week, and none the next.

It's time to take a shower, and get ready for work.


peace